Reviews for Imprisoned - FanFiction.Net

Reviews For: Imprisoned

Neonlights 2007-02-17 ch 2,	abuseso update already!
Cheekie Excel 2006-09-10 ch 2,	abuseAra! xD!! Go Innes! -shifty eyes- o.o;; Am I coming across as an Innes fangirl or something...? -.-;; I hope not. Anyway. Oh, oh, oh! Checkers, dear... :D When writing, uh, stuff (to be blunt), make sure to use words, not numerals when writing stuff. The only exception is the date and time e.g. 11.30 pm, 4 September, 1990. Uh, something like that... T.T End it on a cliff-hanger, why don't you...
Cheekie Excel 2006-09-10 ch 1,	abuse-deep breath in- INNES, INNES, INNES, INNES~~ xD;; Sowee, just had to get that out. Ara! Wait... @.@ I got confuzzled with the PoV change... Shoo... It was Lyon talking for the first two paragraphs, correct, Yam? And then, uh, Eirika's third-person narrative. -nods- 'Tis interesting! -.- Can't believe I only bothered to read it /now/. When exams are in. Two. Days'. Time.
Ganheim 2006-08-11 ch 1,	abuseCold. An abyss of nothing. I sank sluggishly, letting the slow tendrils of darkness crawl over me, inspecting, questing. Their touches were silent, but were nothing like the silence that pressed all around me, beating into my ears like drums. I wasn’t even sure I even had ears anymore. I was calm, at last. There was no pressure anymore, no pressure to be king; no pressure to be as good as Ephraim; no pressure to make the right choices. No pressure…to wonder aimlessly whether Eirika could possibly love me… [Due to the fact that these two lines are first person, indicating a special section of the narrative, and completely apart from the immediately following story, I think it would fit better for this to be italicized.] “Are you hale, sister?” “My liege, do you wish to rest?” Both concerned voices spoke as one, worried eyes locking onto her like homing beacons. Eirika gave an inward sigh. Truly, she appreciated their concern, but there was such a thing as becoming overprotective… [Though this is clear, it's not very cleanly phrased. I'd recommend that the speech tag of both people (neither of whom, by the way, have been explicitly identified by this point) is placed befre the spoken lines. It's also more than just a little annoying to read middle/old English mid-narrative. In dialogue and within character thoughts (italicized for clarity) is fine, but it's just one thing for the benefit of the audience to write so that they can read your story easily.] Seth and Ephraim spoke as one, asking, "Are you hale?" and "My liege, do you wish to rest?" Eirika gave an inward sigh. She appreciated their concern, but there was such a thing as being overprotective… trying to adopt a L’Arachel-like persona. [Adopting the persona of a person is usually done over a long period of time during which the speech, behavior, and ingrained mannerisms are displayed. However, it would only take a moment to strike a L'Arachel-like _pose_.] her dear friend, and perhaps more, [I see that this isn't based on the Eirika-Seth or Eirika-Saleh pairing possibilities. Not that I'm complaining, I always thought the Eirika-Saleh relationship was more of a friendship, and Eirika-Seth should have stopped at a friendship if just to remain culturally appropriate (thought it does depend on the social status of royal knight generals like Seth). Based on this and the next chapter, it appears that you share the same sentiment about Seth.] How could she not have recognized the ache that flashed in his eyes every time she had bade him farewell, leaving, laughing with her twin brother, him closer than anyone could ever be. [The phrasing on this is, though understandable, disjointed. I recomment a rephrase:] How could she not have recognized the ache that flashed in his eyes everytime she bade him farewell? When she left, laughing with her twin brother closer than anyone else could be? She could not have. He hid it too well. He hid all his pain away, tucked further in his soul than others knew to look. [This looks too much like the narrator making a factual statement, but I think it would fit better as Eirika thinking to herself. I use underscores to open and close segments that I would otherwise italics, if I had the capability to use italics in a review.] _I couldn't have,_ she tried to convince herself. _He hid it too well. He hid all his pain away, tucked further in his soul than any of us knew to look._ her close friend for three years, [Though the most aged flashback in the game is ~3 years, it's repeatedly stated that they've been friends since childhood, so they've been close for at least a decade.] An interesting start. It was a pleasure to read this, there were almost no flaws in writing fundamentals (punctuation, spelling, grammar), which is a rare treat. My last statement is in answer to your question at the top of "chapter 1", where you ask about the pairing with Tana. I always classified Cormag's relationship with her to be one of frendship (borne of being siblings-in-arms, particularly after recruiting Cormag by having Tana talk to him), whereas it always seemed relatively obvious to me that the Ephraim-Tana relationship is romantic in nature, one more than just friendship. Keep up your high quality writing, I enjoy being able to write a review that doesn't span nearly 10 pages long. Feel free to read one of my stories. God bless and happy writing/reading, Ganheim
MeowSap 2006-08-06 ch 1,	abuseGah! I'm surprised you only have one review! I enjoyed the detail you put into this; excellent word usage! You did a great job overall. I'll keep my eyes on this...good luck!
Toastyann 2006-08-02 ch 1,	abuseLooks like I'm to be your first review. An honor to be so. Anyway, this is an intriguing start. I liked how you described everything; it helped me get into the story quickly. Seeing how this is only the first chapter, I guess that's all I can say for now. But if you don't mind some grammatical quibbling, maybe you could split this sentence into two instead, like this: "How could she not have seen his body wasting away, violet eyes losing their bright, serene shine that had always seemed a part of him? How can she not have seen the way his body steadily lost its health?" Well, that's that. Looking forward to your next installment!

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