|Reviews for Memories|
| TheKillerDunja123 1/9/13 . chapter 12
omg im crying :/
| RememberMe-soon 9/11/12 . chapter 21
Alright, I found about you through the "Abuse" forum and read through your post about wanting ConCrit over the typical bland reviews. So I will first off say I'm not partial to this pairing, which has nothing to do with quality just opinion, but it will help you know that my input will be more clinical as a result. Whether that is a good thing is up for debate. ;P
Don't worry no flames here :)
So from what I've seen, you are quite good at creating dialogue that stays in character and you have a decent romance plot with conflicting emotions concerning multiple characters. Because you excell at it your work tends to lean toward being dialog heavy, the characters at times seem to be talking in a box and just at each other. They move about some but it's more like stage directions, such as coming into or out of the room, facial expressions, and the occasional thought. As results there several chunks of one-liners. I know it's common in fanfics because I suppose it makes for easier read or poetic license; as a consequence, the story pace is fast and choppy. I would use one liners more sparingly so that the emphasis is better placed, such as the speed of an argument or a line you really wish to drive into the reader.
I think you should focus on improving your narrative. I think there's a good metaphor in viewing narrative as your bread and dialogue as wine. Too much bread and the story will not only be dry but also fattening. Too much wine and the story will become drunk and disorienting. I'm not saying you have "no narrative" however, but it often comes in chunks. It improves through your advancement of chapters, Sakura and Lee's conversation in this chapter was more interesting to me for instance.
Start using the point of view to note the scenery by direct or indirect interaction. As little as looking at something, like an object or interactions of people around them. How one observes those things around them it will reflect their mentality but also a great place to add foreshadowing. Some will consider internal monologue as narrative, but your use of it is closer to dialogue. If the monologue is broken up and placed in more so in narrative paragraphs then it can help create a clear voice for each of your point of views.
I see only one error concerning paragraph structure.
' He cheered up. Sakura laughed at his response.'
In this example, Lee has just spoken and Sakura's response is in the same paragraph. The only way this would work if it was. ' He cheered up when she laughed at his response.' This works better in form because the paragraph is still about Lee. However, I don't think this works in this instance, because the context is changed. So, it would be better if you just have 'Sakura laughed at his response.' as the start of the next paragraph. Point is don't let characters' reactions invade each others' dialogue. When they do, it becomes confusing to the reader about which person is speaking.
As a last thing I noticed, your notes to reviewers are getting a bit out of hand. PM a reviewer for general thanks and chitchat, only post important questions pertaining the story itself that may have confused readers, or place it at the end with the rest of your author notes. Anon reviews are difficult to message, but if it's not about the story then why should I sift through/read it. It is good you have such a great interaction with your readers, but the majority of new readers are likely skimming this section, as it seems unimportant.
Anyways, I hope you aren't disheartened or hating me now -_-' . On the wrong person or just when someone is in a bad mood, others can take what I say badly. I try not to be negative or make the review overly personal but text is easy to take out of context. So I hope you take my suggestions well and you can feel free to PM me if you have any questions. Happy Writing!
| Cirno009 8/30/11 . chapter 1
I LOVE IT
| tenten93 7/12/11 . chapter 3
I'm gonna be completely honest with you.
Sasuke was very OOC.
And if this was any other story, I most likely would have rolled my eyes and quit reading HOWEVER, I just can't stop reading it.
It's so cute!
| embermoonlight 5/24/10 . chapter 16
I love this story a lot and some of it is really funny espically how you write about Sasuke!
| LastPandaHero 7/20/09 . chapter 22
I know you probably won't update this story again, so I just want to tell you that this is possibly the best fanfiction I have ever read. You captured all of the moments perfectly and made the bonds of Team 7 shine.
| Tobi'sgoodgirllovesSasuSaku 11/11/08 . chapter 14
Grr...THAT'S IT! I'M A GONNA DRAG HIS BUTT BACK TO KONOHA!(grabs pitchfork, torch, and rope)
Sasuke: Wait, wait,wait! I can explain!
Me: THE TIME FOR TALK HAS PASSED! NOW DIE!(attacks viciously)
Sasuke: AH!(gets attacked)
Me: All done!(points to tied up half-dead Sasuke)Now, does anyone know the address to the Hidden Leaf? No one. Damn. Ah well, guess I'll just keep him here for a while. I WILL return though. Becuase I haven't Anyway, awesome story. TIS SO SAD! Here's a cookie for you!(gives you Ino shaped cookie. Since SOMEBODY decided to be nice to Sakura.)(glares angrily at Sasuke)
Sasuke:(shifts slightly away)
Me: Anyway, keep writing awesome stories. BYE! : )
| Innocence and Instinct 10/3/08 . chapter 22
man i wish u could countiune this story T.T oh well
| Innocence and Instinct 3/24/08 . chapter 8
love it please update
| Innocence and Instinct 3/23/08 . chapter 1
love it please update i read everything so far and i want to here mre please
| Raye of the Sunshine 3/20/08 . chapter 22
*sobs* It's over already... I knew it said that it was on hold, but I couldn't help myself. It looked good. And it was THE most wonderful SasuSaku story I've EVER read. EVER. It deserves a favorite and an alert, because this is so good.
And when I think of Sakura in this story, I imagine her with a parasol in a dress that's silk and a very light pink with long silk gloves.
| XxriotxX 3/11/08 . chapter 1
| SeyWho 3/10/08 . chapter 22
Oh My God.
I love it.
pwease updatee soon.
| LuckyAccidents 1/8/08 . chapter 18
Oh my dear lord. What has foresaken you to think only of fluffy clouds and sugar? This story is pretty well written, and I dearly love it. In fact, I adore it, and have read each chapter a millions times. But what in hell possessed you to make chapter 17 so bad? Don't get me wrong, your wonderful, but the chappie was horrible. You need to tone it down a notch, cuz all this OCCness makes me sick. It ALMOST stopped me from reading the whole thing in the first place. OMG. Ur great, but you need to take back some of the sugary sweetness, and feelings, and out in some humor or ACTION, because your boring me to death. Really... So please, go back, and take out all those sugary sweet parts, and maybe put in some humor, maybe action, or MAYBE just take it out completely. Because this story is becoming a bit much... LUV YOU STILL THOUGH!
| ApplelovesApples 12/27/07 . chapter 1