   Akemi Nyoko
2006-08-13 . chapter 1I liked the first chapter so far, I hope this becomes an interesting story later on (not that it isn't now). It's so hard to find an interesting story nowadays, I'm glad I found this one before I gave up. I'm very picky, really...
Scruple is funny... lol.
Anyway, time to give you some advice and pointers...
First, when you're switching a scene, I'll recommend putting something that divides that and the previous event by either putting a bar, an o, -, or anything to your liking. This is a problem because you can get a lot of readers confused. I know I didn't really understand it and I had to re-read the same thing to understand you switched the scene. Also, I'll recommend using the bar when the change of event is big, by that I mean as in from one character to another; Ex: From Shadow to Sonic, specially if they're in a different location. And if the event is a minor one (from the same character, but he/she moves to another location for a different scene) I'll recommend putting an o or - (~*~ works too and it looks pretty lol).
There was a few grammar mistakes, they're pretty small, so it's hard to notice. Hmm... that reminds me, there's punctuation errors, this usually happened in the dialogue. I understand that FF can take away some stuff at times, but I'll recomend reading over the chapter and fixing those errors.
That takes me to a critical part, the pronoun overuse... When I began writing for FF (not long ago really, just a few months ago) I had this same problem. Anyway, the problem is that you use he and she a lot, you should use colorful pronous; instead of she (for Amy) you can use 'the pink hedgehog' or 'the female hedgehog,' anything that describes her. Remember, this doesn't mean you can't use he/she from time to time. I had a friend point this mistake out for me (I'm very greatful), and now I can write without overusing those pronouns.
Oh... a pointer would be the way you use your thinking and talking punctuation. For example, you can use italics for Scruple (that represents him talking or... uhh thinking... whatever he does~), then the normal letters are for the dialogue, but if you have a character thinking, then use ' |
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