Reviews for Danger - FanFiction.Net

Reviews For: Danger

CSIvHP11 2008-01-28 ch 1,	abusegood fic, i like the plot, it flows, now I don't know what to say, but tis a very good fic
thjersyjnkx33 2006-09-23 ch 1,	abusei love it, awesome. one of my favorites, for sure.
RocketScientist2 2006-08-12 ch 1,	abuseCor I loved that! Excellant. Thank you for a lovely story. tear, tear!
odeepblue 2006-08-12 ch 1,	abuseaw that was beautiful ;)
MYBIGBLUEBOX 2006-08-12 ch 1,	abusehi excellent stuff. You got to keep writing I love it.
KittyX1981 2006-08-12 ch 1,	abuselove it. thank you
stareagle 2006-08-11 ch 1,	abuseYou have the fixings of a good story here- the action is fast paced, there is both emotional conflict and physical danger. There is tenderness effectively contrasted with brutality, juxtaposed with the brutality of silence that stifles communication and expressions of empathy and love. I was touched by your story and the fact that you are gaining experience as a writer. You didn't mention if you had a beta. I would like to offer some suggestions as to why a beta would assist in tightening up your work. You have some internal inconsistencies that detract from the effectiveness of your plot that an editor would pick up. In the spirit of constructive critical growth, I offer these thoughts, with the intention of honoring your creative effort. -1st line states that Cath and War are assigned the DB in Henderson; Grissom has stated his intention to stay in the office. Fix would have been for Grissom to take Henderson solo after Cath and War had gone to another location. – 2nd Villains are more effective if our main characters stay strong and true to character. After Sara left Grissom, knowing his dislike for reporters and her emotional upheaval, she could have directed him to Grissom’s office instead of to the reception area where he would normally have been told to wait. Coming out of the locker room after she had composed herself, she could have overheard Grissom taking the call to Henderson in front of the reporter, knowing Grissom was unaware of the stranger’s presence in his office. 3rd Sara was assigned to assist Nick; you have her working at a computer when her guilty conscience prods her to action. Had she returned to the lab with Nick? Had she been alerted or uneasy by no one hearing from Grissom? 4th Upon discovery of the officers down and the call to Cath- I think she would have checked the injured to confirm life/death. They are fellow officers and she would follow protocol despite the risk to Grissom. 5th What is the source of the static that corrupts the phone call. Would a radio in the patrol car work? I could see a phone not having a signal, a battery going dead in the patrol car- this is a detail that would make the situation more authentic. 6th Following the bad guys, I think Sara would attempt to leave a trail for someone to follow, not obvious to the thugs, but obvious to a CSI. For example, a piece of a swab, parts of a latex glove she shreds along the way to leave a DNA trail. 7th When Sara is captured, the bad guys gag her. Why? They are in the middle of nowhere… no one will hear her screams. More important is to bind her hands and feet. 8th Whips? Maybe one whip and a chain or a pelting him with a rock as well as registering the horror of realizing that Sara has somehow been brought to this scene – now that is agony. Her Scream you describe would be especially poignant under those circumstances and you can screw around with Gil’s inner torment some more. 9th Perhaps I am meaner than you are, but I would have had Sara crab walk or inch worm her way over to the injured Grissom. Starting with “His hands were bound tightly.” I would add… “Bowing her head, she kissed his hand and began to use her teeth to free him, the salt water of tears running down her cheek stinging the abraded areas of her face and his wrists.” 10th correct the sentence to read, “I didn’t deserve for the things I did not say earlier.” 11th After the kiss, have him work to release the ties binding Sara as feeling painfully returned to his hands or speared through his body as he moved injured arms, back muscles. Etc. 12th typos – First Aid kit, instead of frist! Inflicted on Grissom instead of invicted. 13th. The first aid offered by the team is incorrect. They are highly trained and would not move injured folks. First, Brass would have called for the chopper to come. The others would immediately treat for shock and exposure – supplying water, and wrapping them in an emergency blanket. I loved the last 2 sentences but rather than have him lift her up, I can see him refusing to let her out of his hold when the paramedics lifted them up! After all, they would have had only one stretcher! I hope you are not offended by these points- This editing is the best part of writing because you have already done the hard part of establishing character, plot, scene and action. This is the frosting on the cake. You are an excellent cake baker- Enjoy the frosting too!
CSIfan3 2006-08-11 ch 1,	abuseThat was good! I really like that story. You did a great job.

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