I haven't seen many people try to write about the Turks from this angle. It makes you think about what they really are in relation to Shin-Ra.

I like it!

I like this, and I want to like it more... but I've got some nit-picks. :) Sorry...

First of all... people who feel like worthless property to a corporate entity do NOT put their lives on the line for someone who doesn't care about them. I know Rufus can be an SOB, but hey... these 4 Turks give their lives for him, and stick by him even when the company is in shambles after WEAPON and surely no one is drawing a paycheck. I am a big fan of TsengxRufus, so of course my opinion is skewed in favour of that a bit... :) But I don't think Tseng despises either himself or Rufus as much as is hinted at here. Sorry!

And yes, we know for certain that Reno got mako injections, but we don't know about the others... it's not a huge leap, but I'd be a lot more comfortable if it were made clear that the ELDER ShinRa did this to them, and if you added a vignette where even RUFUS feels like property of the corporation. That would really bracket this well and make the whole thing... just... stick together really well.

Just my opinion, of course... I think you write very well, though we all need a beta reader from time to time--and it looks like you have a good one. I'm happy for you on that! A good beta is golden... you choose your words well, and do fine things with them. I'm merely suggesting that you look beyond the frame of this story and make it even better than it already is.

Thank you for sharing this. It really is well-written, and the repetition metric really makes a strong impression.

::Opens up a window and types as she reads. Sorry, I'm messing up your paragraphing, so I won't drag on about that. :)

It wasn't an easy job being a turk.
Elena was a cold, emotionless killer, no matter what.
Her target backed against a wall, she'd looked at them with cold eyes,::right here. I didn't like the repetition of 'cold', somehow...but no biggy.::

and pull the trigger. She'd watch with that same emotionless mask as blood spattered the walls, the ground, ::and? Though I get your effect.:: her. And when she was sure her target was dead, she'd slowly lower her gun, give a look of remorse, and walk away.::Heh. I like the remorse comment.::

'Poor little target.' She think, sounding very harsh. But, she didn't care, it was her job.::Job. Don't know, but that aspect has been explored so much, it's becoming a cliche, don't you think? Nevermind though.::

She'd go home, look in the mirror, see the uniform she was so proud to wear, and start cleaning it. Yet, no matter how many times she cleaned and scrubbed at her turk uniform, the blood just wouldn't go away. ::Ah, a favourite of angst wannabes. Oops, sorry. No, it suited this bit quite well. Ignore.::

Yes, she couldn't see it, but it was still there, for she was stained. All the turks were. ::*nods* Like.::

What was scary was, she liked it.

-

Tseng seemed to be made of glass, the way he acted.

He didn't like the action really. He'd rather work on paperwork, and do errands for President Rufus.::You know, not many people point this out. Good for you.::

And he would look at the young president, and put on that fake smile, and nod. Let his smile be his mask, for a puppet can't have any real emotions.

That's what he was. A puppet. A puppet of Shinra.::You have just given me a brainwave-::

But what scared him was, he liked it.::Like your repetition here-though it would be more effective if the prose sections about each character were a bit longer. *shrugs.* up to you.::

-

Reno was quite the joker, but under his lighthearted exterior was a ruthless killer.::Ah, you've used this sort of adjective before. Though its a nice view. I've written one, based on it, so I can't say anything about cliches. :)::

He would grin, shoot like a madman, and then laugh.::AH! I like this. Shoot like a madman. *nods*::

Elena called him mad, Rude called him mad, Tseng called him mad, though they were probably just joking. Probably.::Mad, mad mad? I thought you would put different adjectives in there, for some reason...:

But he wasn't.

Sure, maybe one say he'd give in to his darker emotions, but for now...

He had a date with a large bottle of beer.::This made me chuckle::

-

Rude was the silent one, choosing to talk with his fists instead.::You know what? You just pulled off a ver Colferesque sentence. Likes very much. ::

No one would have ever thought he'd fall in love with the enemy.::OH!! Are you planning to write another spinoff to this? no...Would probably ruin it. But such a cool foreshadow!! Loveness.::

But, he liked to hide his emotions. Never speaking, always hiding his eyes behind those glasses...::Hiding and hiding in the same line? Too much. Alternative: "His eyes, forever veiled behind those mirrored depths so the observer could see no soul except his own." ??::

He thinks he's fooling everyone, but who is he kidding?

-

And, at that moment, all four turks looked in their mirrors, and at their eyes.

There, right around the pupil, was a green circle.

Mako. They had been injected with mako. The creation of Shinra, apparently supposed to help people. Each member of Shinra was showered in it, or injected. Some more than others.

And it said to everyone who looked them in the eye...

'Property of Shinra Inc.' ::I like. LIkeness. Very cool, somehow.::

There were lines on the mirror, lines of her face.::YES! Is it just me, or is it supposed to represent age?::

She pretended not to notice, she was caught up in the race.

He was too tired to make it.

She was too tired to fight about it.

Life in the fastlane.

-Life in the Fastlane by The Eagles. (I think...)

::Good, but your humor-esque side seems to be bursting at her seems, coming out and diluting your first angst. Never mind though, as it makes a curious combination. Good work- I myself can never write humour. I have *never* written real humour, parody or no. Dark humour, don't count, don't think so. In anycase, keep going!

-Z-

Btw, have you thought about Genesis? I realised that the link might not have come out properly over email.

genesis DOT sevent-fantasy DOT org

The link to the forum is on the navigation. :)

no. it was actually quite good.

Take it from one who can only write angst- This was good. Very dark. I really liked the mako ring- that was a good touch. I truly hope this is not your last foray into Angst, because you are very good at it!