Hey girl its me Fairywarrioress from Deviantart :)

I was browsing through your gallery again and found the Nejisaku kissing pic and the link to this story - i must say, its a good story - i loved the plot for it ^^

hmm'
the beginning was gud
but da end too sudden
how coud they fal in luv on da 1st night?
meh
nice try though

Cute! very nice

Once again: Tenses= very important rule of grammar.

Your use of tenses confused me. If ever at any point of a piece you are going to say 'he did' in narration, you shouldn't narrate in the beginning using 'he is'. The change of tense makes it awkward. The first tense you use had an interesting introductory feel, but is very hard to maintain when presented with dialogue, so I don't blame you. If I were you, I'd just use past tense the whole way through.

Also, you switch tenses mid-sentence, which makes the meaning harder to decipher.

Honestly, I think you have something if you fix up your tense problem.

Very nice.Very nice.
Keep it up!