   Ganheim
2008-09-11 . chapter 6A Ranma/Futaba-kun Change crossover fan fiction
Chapter 1 - Just Desserts
Do you think I'm dumb enough to actually TASTE my cooking? Come on, get real. That's what I keep Ranma around for." Akane snickered.
[Points: +1]
Akane shook her head in negation and replied, "No, I've been having too much fun watching the two of them dance around the whole issue."
[That's an interesting idea with its own potential humour.]
"Oh how I enjoy playing to cute loving fiancée who listens to all his troubles."
[playing _the_ cute]
Shampoo shuddered, "no thank you.
[Capitalization: No.]
Akane smirked, "aww, are you sure.
[Capitalization: Aww. And the interrogative should end with a question mark instead of period.]
"Oh, you're evil. Want to be friends?"
[Points: +2]
it's off to the Ranma Wars" snickered Shampoo.
[Missing comma to close/transition the dialog.]
how be it slowly, very slowly.
[albeit?]
Chapter two - Just Decisions
“Why do I even bother to post my working hours?”
[Points for Tofu sensibly wanting some time away from the chaos: +1]
arts I know of, that is of any use
[Superfluous comma.]
He chuckled, “you’d be
[A chuckle is something done between speaking, it's not a variant of speech like when somebody yells or bites off his speech. Because of that, I'd close that narrative with a period. And the beginning of the dialog needs to be capitalized regardless.]
Ryouga shrugged, “nah, we
[Same as before: period and capitalization.]
He snickered, “with our curse,
[Same as before.]
paused and muttered, “silver linings.
[Same as before.]
“Sure, where too?”
[Word confusion: to]
“Baka,” she hissed under her breath.
[Obligatory Japanese. Nothing would have been lost by sticking to English.]
Ryouga put his face only inches from hers, “yes.”
[Funny, but 'yes' should be capitalized.]
Chapter three - Just Passing
Nabiki was furious. Ranma had mailed her a can of yen, of course he had sent it to her ‘postage due’ and that amount exceeded the total value of the enclosed thousand or so of one-yen coins. And she still had all those damn coins to wrap and get rid of as well.
[Points: +1]
Sigh, “Sometimes I hate
[A sigh isn't a manner of speech, it's an interruption. Therefore, I think a period belongs where the comma is.]
“Meet the newest member of the wrestling team”
[Missing closing period.]
“any other questions?”
[Capitalization.]
Akane rubbed her head, “that spying
[Punctuation and capitalization.]
“I’m glad you stopped by” Tofu confided.
[Missing closing/transition comma.]
the dancing doc. “this may take
[Capitalization.]
Yoiko grimaced at him, “nah,
[Capitalization.]
to be a challenge” he chuckled in a whisper.
[Missing closing comma.]
Futana chuckled, “you’re half right.
[Punctuation and capitalization.]
Find someone better” pleaded Yoiko.
[Missing closing comma.]
since I was born” somberly replied Futana.
[Missing closing comma.]
Both named their eldest Futana and the second kid was named Futaba.
[How are those the same name? Two of the syllables is the same, but they'd have different Kanji and a different third kana.]
Chapter four - Just Friends
Ukyou shrugged, “the cat’s out
[Punctuation and capitalization.]
You’re not worried about that baka are you?”
[Obligatory Japanese.]
“Does it affect us?” wondered the third.
[How...Neriman.]
Besides his wallet’ he smirked to himself.
[If this is a direct thought, shouldn't it be 'my'? Oh, and smirking doesn't affect the manner of the speech.]
not apologize” Shampoo snarled,
[Missing closing/transition comma.]
but carefully answered, “yes,
[Capitalization.]
Today was just sso busy.
[Extended consonant?]
“Buy it,” she challenged.
[You can try to replace 'Ranma' with 'Yoiko', but Ranma's still Ranma and his characterization throughout the series has consistently been against playing the girl. Yes, he abuses his curse, but diving into it like this is above and beyond canon Ranma.]
“Wear it” he dared.
[Missing closing/transitioning comma.]
momentarily, ‘what the hell am
[Capitalization.]
loosed several shirken to distract him
[Spelling: shuriken]
spatula even as she tossed two shirken
[Spelling: shuriken, although just 'throwing' also applies at least as well.]
Nodoka nodded, “fourth dan,
[Punctuation (a nod doesn't modify the speech) and capitalization.]
asked, “anything I can do to help?”
[Capitalization]
“Your blood type,” she whispered disbelievingly?
[This is an interrogative, and needs a question mark in the dialog. Disbelievingly should end with a period as that segment is not a question.]
save my pop” pleaded Yoiko.
[Missing closing/transition comma.]
clarified, “my, ah, sister
[Capitalization]
a blur over the rooftops, her dress flaring at times.
['a blur over the rooftops' would have been fine. The mention of flaring dress is unnecessary and also potentially misleading - loose cloth flares because of a change in momentum, leaving out that detail (even if it does happen) strengthens the impression of speed/haste.]
Chapter five - Just Curses
Yoiko, she's my friend." Futaba said
[The period after 'friend' should be a comma to transition. Otherwise the 'said' is rather out-of-place.]
Their father wordlessly rose and grabbed his keys, "What's the address?"
[That's not wordlessly. He's asking directions.]
he clarified, "everything."
[Capitalization]
they treated her so bad."
[Grammar: badly.]
He grimaced, "first, she can
[A grimace doesn't modify how the words are spoken so the closing punctuation should be a period instead of comma. And capitalize.]
glimmered in his eyes, "you know,
[Punctuation, capitalization. Just like my previous comment.]
"So, I guess I'll get to meet my hopefully soon to be daughter-in-law then?"
[Squick.]
to the older woman, "please don't tell
[Where is the speech tag modifying the dialog? And capitalization.]
Kasumi shook her head, "no, I'm
[Punctuation, capitalization.]
her briefs, "ok."
[Punctuation, capitalization.]
talk later." She said with a stern look in her eyes.
[As the 'said' bit modifies how the dialog is spoken (mainly because of the key word 'said'), a comma and un-capitalized word should follow 'later'.]
simply commanded, "talk to me."
[Capitalization.]
Ranma paused, "but first,
[Punctuation (period), capitalization (But).]
while he verified blood compatibility.
[And screened it for diseases/parasites – the more medically wealthy nations, like Japan and America, do this, and that's why those nations recommend going to their hospital for medical treatments like surgeries instead of using “third-world nation” hospitals. The screening isn't nearly as intensive and potentially lets through a lot of nasty stuff.]
"A man would of . . ."
[would _have_]
and added, "ok, you've made your point."
[Capitalization.]
Shimeru family, "it seems
[Capitalization.]
I was in china
[Capitalization: China (the nation) is a proper noun.]
Ranma paused, "yours is different?"
[Punctuation, capitalization.]
sorcerer, who was exiled from china, sought
[China needs to be capitalized. Oh, and the commas aren't necessary - I think they detract from the flow.]
He paused and sighed, "he was gay,
[Capitalization. I'd also argue that, unless the words are the sigh, then the punctuation also needs to be changed.]
became a little forced, "somehow,
[Punctuation, capitalization.]
Futana looked at Ranma; "you're really a boy?"
[Punctuation (period instead of semicolon), capitalization.]
Nodoka paused only briefly, "of course
[Punctuation, capitalization.]
stereo conversation that he overheard went something like this.
[Rather confusing.]
martial arts idol" she suddenly crowed.
[Missing closing punctuation, it seems like an exclamation point to me.]
Sigh, "this just
[Punctuation, capitalization.]
has embittered Ranma so badly."
[Missing question mark, methinks.]
before nodding reluctantly, "ok."
[Punctuation, capitalization.]
Yoiko chuckled,
[Why not 'Ranma', now that the trick is up? Oh, and since this doesn't modify the way the dialog is spoken a comma doesn't fit.]
"so pop was 'lusting'
[Capitalization.]
Of course Genma had nearly a complete blood transfusion,
[He may have gotten a lot of blood, but six liters blood loss is immediate fatality for the strongest human body. More than 1.5 liters of blood loss is roughly 95% chance of death within 24 hours. That means he couldn't have lost more than 1 liter.]
Chapter six - Just Us
Nabiki doing a credible imitation of the Tendou Patriarch Waterworks.
Soun shrugged and held up a sign that said '10.0'
[If it's just 'credible' shouldn't the score be lower?]
"WA"
[Missing closing punctuation, I figure either a period or exclamation point.]
"don't thank me,
[Capitalization.]
"it was the ONLY
[Capitalization.]
Cologne just glared at her, "you actually
[Capitalization.]
Shampoo paused, glared at Nodoka and prepared to try to get his
[So Shampoo's cat-form gender switches, too? That's not what the letter implied.]
offered her hand, "peace?"
[Capitalization.]
"peace." He then added.
[Capitalization.]
"how's Mousse taking this?"
[Capitalization.]
She grimaced, "not good.
[Capitalization.]
"I want to get to know who you are.
[So instead of having the integrity and respect to just ask the subject in question, she's weaseling her way around him and listening in on confided conversations with somebody else that he thought was honorably confided.
Way to make her out to be better than the fiancees whose characters you brutilized for the purposes of slamming Ranma with her! /sarcasm]
It's your turn." retorted
[Punctuation: to transition to the direct speech tag that should be a comma instead of period.]
"who said anything about taking turns.
[Interrogative missing question mark.]
It ain't natural" he sneered.
[Missing closing punctuation.]
"I'm sorry, it's just that it seems 'unnatural' to me," whispered Ranma.
[This is an issue that should have been sorted out long before marriage – the fact that it wasn't smacks of jumping for a literary convenience and only now coming to terms with it.]
It seems more than just a little 'convenient' how Ranma took this long to come to a realization of who/what Futana is and the already highly convenient throwing out of the fiancee brigade didn't do anything to strengthen the extremely sudden 'hey, I just met this person a matter of weeks ago but now I'm marrying them' overconvenience. It's obvious that the fiancee brigade is highly out-of-character, that might be acceptable for the story (as the plot needs them to cease to be options) but Ranma seemed excessively stupid. For a long time he seems to magically fit into a new area despite leaving his mysterious fame and having left the only home he ever new, and that's besides the fact that I didn't see a single indication of a true relationship (the social alliance to start doesn't count as a real relationship) with Futana before the extremely sudden marriage, which was so without thought that it's only after a few weeks of having sex that Ranma thinks 'oh, hey, this is complicated for the other person too' when if this relationship had any depth then he would have had to have been confronted with this fact earlier. The fiancee brigade, besides for all intents and purposes vanishing for a large portion of the story, suddenly find themselves on the receiving end of an uncharacteristically vengeful (and one could say spiteful) Ranma. The young Saotome also seems unlike himself (to varying degrees) starting with the moment he meets Ryouga and is conveniently taken in by the Hibiki family and legal resources. |
FanFiction.Net - unleash your imagination
