   ILLK
2006-08-26 . chapter 1Wolfram's reaction to Yuuri's proclaimation that they're friends and that the engagement is a mistake was a bit too overdone. It's not as though Yuuri hasn't said as much in various other times already so it seemed as if it was an unnatural over-reaction.
I thought the song had been a poem and I skipped over it. It was not needed and I think had you really been pressed to include a song, it shouldn't have been cut up into pieces. It disrupted the flow of the story and though fitting, is something anyone could have written and could have fit for any number of characters in the fictional universe. In sort, too common for my tastes. Either all together at the top or the bottom, if you didn't want to spoil the ending from the song, would have been much better.
Though it was a death fic, I think this story would have been better if it were longer and you had explored both character's reaction. Or if you wanted to keep Wolfram a bit unknown from Yuuri's POV, at least had explored Yuuri's thoughts and feelings a bit more. He reacted a bit too strongly to Wolfram brushing him off, which is a bit uncharacteristic of him. The death scene where he attacked the soldier was also a bit off. I don't think you've established his feelings strongly enough to warrant such a passionate act. If anything, he should have just been ** off and went all-powerful-Maou on the soldier and dealt out his judgement.
Anyway, just my thoughts. I know this might be a bit too much but I see potential in your writing so I thought I might take some time to write out a proper critique so you can improve on the next story. |
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