It took me a while, but I read through the first few chapters to see what's up. It's nice to come across a Maya/Shinji story, but the one important thing to note is that Maya is off. Instead of coming across as the timid woman that she is, she seems just a frigid as Ritsuko. It's just the first few chapters so I'm not knocking it, it's just that she doesn't seem at all like herself. I mean, she doesn't exactly walk around demanding respect and her just up and slapping someone like that is pretty out there, too. It'd be alright if you mentioned why the sudden change occurred, and I'm actually expecting the reason to appear sooner or later. It's just odd to see her rendered like that.

Another thing you mentioned was that there are complaints about your dialogue. Normally, this is a personal preference kind of thing but I have to admit that I did notice some of it felt flat. In addition to that, there was some times when you used it to voice some thoughts that would have had more impact if you just expanded on them a little but more on that later. There are a lot of reasons verbal exchanges can turn out weak, but most of it rest with the character interaction which ties directly into characterization of course. So far, I can say that one reason things feel off is because Maya simply doesn't act or talk like that. I'm only three chapters in so I might be on the eve of the reason, but it's still pretty far from what I'm used to. That doesn't make it bad though.

At any rate, the interesting thing about it is that your writing is solid but you still have a tendency to tell instead of show. For example: "My heart..." Blah blah clenched his fist and cried. "My heart has never been broken this badly before!" You probably want to stay away from lines like that since they can't help but feel too over the top and you don't want people to feel like they're watching some daytime drama or something. Instead of having a character break out lines like that, explaining why it invokes such a response would be better.

All in all, all you really have to do is just tighten up on your writing just a little and you'll be good to go. I'll probably try to get back to the story and read a few more chapters when I get the chance.

CF

Alright,I tried to get through this in the hopes that over the course of writing your style and story content would evolve.

The placement of the story is a bit weird, which would have been okay if it had a purpose. The Melodrama is awful, even the series didn't have this much! The dialogue is very uninspired and wooden, and character interaction is so off the charts that it seems like you didn't even watch the show.

To be fair I liked the concept of the story. I agree that a lot of the Maya Shinji romances seem to spawn from nowhere, but this is almost worse seeing you gloss over all the key character interactions or even a Stalker vibe for her would have been better.

You also seem to like Villifying all the supporting cast to make connections with Shinji even to the point of making Misato look bad. This would be okay if once again it had a function or point, but in the end it seems that it's just to make Shinji a bigger pity party.

Real relationships are not 'normally' based around tragedy. It works in certain circumstances, but a lot is skimmed over or not even built in this fic.

I'm not trying to be mean, but I'm afraid that I've reached the limit of accepting the build of things that will lead nowhere or try to make me feel sorry for little Shinji and Maya. I can read dark stories, but this just qualifies as teen wanna be angst.

Finally the line with Touji "Why didn't I see it before?" or whatever, I felt like I was watching a daytime soap.

I almost gagged at the sequence.

I say this not to be rude, but more for the fact you do have an underlying talent to write, and some of your ideas such as the drill at the beginning were very interesting if a bit ruff. Some Authors suggest the best way to avoid of polish alot of these problems is reading in veriety and telling the 'Truth'

Telling the Truth is going along the concept of writing what you know, obviously none of us know anything about Bio-weapons but we do know how people we see in everyday life would react.

I was really getting roped in at the begining but by this chapter I couldn't take it anymore for things just being explained instead so showing us how they interact.

Sorry for the diatribe better luck on your next fic.

This is clever and complicated and well written ,but, gee it gives eva itself a run for its money in misery alone.
Hope you finish it though.

Dont'cha just hate people who don't review?


It's just like having a meal in a restaurant and walking away without paying the bill.


Good to see an update for this story, one of the best/most believable Shinji/Maya fics out there, though it doesn't look like we've got to the real meat of the stuff yet ;)


Just about immaculate grammar and spelling, good characterization and character-development + understanding of how to use good lines makes this a fic to add to my favs.


Please keep 'em coming.

Good to see an angsty Shinji here. But I wonder if Maya in the next chapter/s will balance it out a bit.

I had my thumb out and hitched a ride with you nine chapters ago. At first I thought we were traveling down a familiar road. Most of the landmarks were ones I'd seen before. As time passed, I became increasingly uneasy. This isn't where I thought I was going. Some things still kind of look familiar, but I know now that this is not where I have ever been before. Where are you taking us? I thought I knew our destination when I got in, but now I realize that it was just wishful thinking. Wait. What's that up ahead? I can't make it out. The fog and the dark aren't helping at all. AGH! I wasn't expecting that curve! What are you doing? I thought we were going to leave the road!

That was short. But it's not bad. Good to see more Maya/Shinji

i like this, i wonder where it would go now? I don't think that ibuki would ever let him pilot again. tho i would love to see the good doctor at least shot for what she did.

SID? Maya has it too? Interesting turn of events.

Hmm... the last few chapters were so great that I have forgotten to review them. I like the fact that this story doesn't hinge on Ibuki and Ikari making their moves at Nerv, and the story branches from that. A++ on that point. What awaits this story?

I like it. The story is well written as far as details go, good premises for a potentially good story. Onwards to chapter 2.

I don't think I could write anything this deep. You've gone way into depth on the ideas and thoughts of the people surounding NERV. I look forward to the next chapter. May the blessings of Rei Ayanami be upon you.

This is sad, interesting, and intruging. There arn't many Shinji/maya pairings out there, and i think you are doing a marvelous job. I read it a long time ago, and just picked it up again today, but i still wish for this story to be finished. keep it up.

Heavy stuff, but then writing can only become meaningfully heavy in the hands of a knowledgable and skilled author. Thank you for the story so far. Its hard to get something that feels this real with this medium (Fan Fiction).

I can't say I'm too thrilled about this chapter, I'm a little disappointed in how you portrayed Asuka in her whole confrontation with Touji. On another note, the romance between Shinji and Maya seems to be building up...very... slowly. I mean, up this point, I can only think of a handful of sentences along those lines. Well, I hope Asuka's depicted with more dignity in the next chapter. Good luck.