   ClaMiAl
2009-11-21 . chapter 26This is a very good story, one I can't wait to read more of. Though...since it hasn't been updated for over a year, does that mean it is abandoned? I hope not.
Anyway. I loved the plot! Usually I try to stay away from stories that have Harry go back in time to when his parents were in school, but this one was different enough to be interesting. It doesn't follow the cliched plot lines of either Harry teaching his parents or being their classmate and becoming their bestest buddy.
There are some things that annoyed me though, and that were also reminiscent of some of the more cliched timetraveling!Harry fics. For one, Harry's powers. He can not only do wandless magic, but he's also unusually powerful. That, and the fact that even Harry himself seems to think that nothing he has faced so far (including Voldemort) could pose much of a problem to him...well...I can't help but feel that it cheapens the story. It makes it all feel less difficult, less dangerous, if I know that the main character could always get out of a tight spot if he just flicked his wrist.
Another thing that I'm not quite sure whether I like it or not is the way Harry speaks. He speaks too much like a grown up, which would usually annoy me to no end, but in this case, where Harry actually is a grown up (mentally at least), it makes sense. But then, wouldn't he try to speak more like the kids around him to fit in, to seem less conspicuous?
And since I'm already on the topic of how Harry talks...well. You should watch out when you're writing dialogue not to have the characters talk as if they are reading the text. For example, using long sentences with lots of commas and words such as 'therefore', 'hence', 'thus' and such makes it feel artificial. I've never met anyone who actually talks like that, even if they write like that.
Another thing to watch out for is Harry's preaching. So far it has really only happened in this last chapter, when he goes off on James about babies and life being unfair and people being selfish. Apart from it being really, really weird for an 11 year old to do so, it just isn't like him. And what's the point, what does he achieve with it? James is still a kid himself, why does Harry feel he has to take away his childish naivete? And apart from that, what gives him the right?
And lastly, I would really recommend getting a Beta reader and having them go over the story. They could help you with catching these little things, if something doesn't quite sound right or feel right, or when you accidentally switch tenses or don't use the right tense, for example. And they could also be very useful for catching the many, many times that you used a wrong but (somewhat) similar sounding word. I must say, though, that as far as I remember you never even once did the standard they're/there/their (or similar) switches. Every time you confused one word with another, it was very original! lol. Still, though, it was somewhat annoying not to be able to just read but having to constantly wonder if the words I'm reading are actually the words you meant to be there.
One thing I absolutely loved, though, was the whole Voldemort plot! The way it's slowly revealed that Voldemort had been intimate with a Potter of all people...very cool. Apart from the whole Voldemort being Harry's 'grandfather', the way Harry manipulates him was awesome!
It would be a shame if this story were abandoned, since it has so much promise. The plot is very intriguing, and I would very much like to see more of it. I do hope you'll update this fic. |
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