I think that it is really good and detailed, but its kind of long and stretched out on details in some paragraphs. I really want to finish reading this story (as well as your other ones) And please leave reviews at on my story (Can you take me, without breaking me) I know I'm really bad a titles, I didnt make it up though. Ha

"With dark water pounding the projection of a serrated sea cliff that over looked the Ember Bay of the Fire Nation was a beautiful mansion."
That was a run-on sentence, you might want to add a couple comma's or something.


"Confined within ancient stone parapet covered in flowered vines was a large house more or less a big and beautiful as the Fire Lord’s Palace. "
Confined within [an?].
...more or less a[s] big and beautiful.


“It was a beautiful summer day...
There shouldn't really be quotation marks there, because no one is thinking or saying anything. Using italics should be enough to make it know that this is a flashback.

"...I have got to acquire it!”
If she's only five and she knows words like acquire, that would mean that she has an advanced vocabulary. Being part of the royal family, I think that she would say something like "I must acquire it!" as 'got to' is bad English.

"...asked the bewilder child.
Bewildered.

"...bit by bit opened..."
Opened bit by bit, maybe?

“I apologize child for my daughter less then perfect behavior..."
... apologize, child, for my daughter's...

“Well thank you for that Zuky. My name is Akiko daughter Zhao and his late wife Sakiko. Dad away fighting in the war and mom died as soon as I was born.”"
... daughter to Zhao. Dad is...

“I’m sorry to here that..."
...hear.

"Was he ok?"
Okay.

I notice that you often forget to use comma's when characters talk to each other. For instance, "Crimson was your infiltration of the Fire Nation Palace a success?"
You should place a comma after the name of the person that is being spoken to, because there would usually be a pause there.

"...past three year."
Years.

“Opps my mistake.”
Oops.

"Zuko on the other hand was anger and annoyed as ever!"
Should be commas after Zuko and hand. And I think you meant angry.

"No go!"
Now.

"They didn’t notice that Jet saw the steam coming out of Iroh tea."
Iroh's tea. And this sentence doesn't really do anything. What is it supposed to mean? I don't understand the purpose.


So basically, it's a nice idea, but the story would have been better if you used a spell check and then read through it a couple of times. Or got a beta.

You have a good flair for description, but I think you overdo it in places. Also, when writing Avatar fanfiction, try to keep non-Asian naming conventions (Trill, Luke) and cultural elements (Wicca) to a minimum.

What are you trying to accomplish with this story? Much of it seems to be an indulgence of self-insert fantasies, which is more effective when the self-insert character is not glued so exclusively to the canon characters. My advice? Develop Akiko a bit more fully in her own right, maybe by writing stories about her that don't involve the canon characters, and then try this again.

I would also recommend splitting this up into chapters, even if some of them wind up being short chapters. Since you are essentially writing alternate versions of episodes in the series, your readers won't expect to see these events all jammed together like this. Having separate chapters will make it easier to read.

Keep practicing!

Interesting story. I really liked the new characters. Some of it was hard to read though, because the tense would keep changing. I have that problem too and I don't even notice it when I write. It's a tricky thing. Anyway, good job and keep writing!

okay you really have GOT to learn to tone it down. It's way too long and you put too much description into your work sometimes in certain areas and not enough in others. Some background also at the start of who this is woudl be helpful because I had trouble with that. I bet no one knew who this was so that's why they stopped reading, you have to hook them with actual characters from the show first.

Some of the decriptions were really unnecessary and make it a bit dull to read at times, plut Trill isn't a very oriential name you got to remember to keep things in context like that. If you're going to use a name make sure it fits in.

It was hard to follow along in the story because it just took me too long to piece together what was going on. You HAVE to make sure we understand what you're trying to write otherwise it's no wonder no one reviews. It's because they can't follow along and I only just barely because of all that you talked to me about.

Plus some of what they said just seems really out of place, they talk like well educated adults and not as children which makes it a bit out of character.

This is also WAY too long, I tried reading it through but it takes forever and I couldn't finish it off. Sorry I tried to like this and to read it through but you really should adjust your style to learn from it I know you can make better stories you just have to learn how to sharpen your skills.

Heh. I liked this one. Good work.