   Ragnarok45
2009-08-05 . chapter 6Well, this is the first HP/FMA crossover that I've ever read, and I must say it's turning out to be quite the gem! Minus the occassional mechanical error, it's really a treat to read :-)
That said, I totally came in to this with the impression that it was to be a Harry/Edward pairing (mainly because you lsited it under "Harry P. + Edward E.") and actually was doing my math VERY wrongly from the start... As in, when Harry and Ed met, I failed to realise that the age difference between them is about 6 years; actually, it's probably slightly closer to 7 years than 6, but hey: it's still creepy. In other words, when Harry and Roy started kissing, I was going, "WHAT?? No... NO! NO NO NO! NONONONONO!" However, on the same track of mind, Harry is 18--Mustang is, I believe in his early 30's or late 20's (possibly evven his mid- to late-30's...) which is ALSO kinda creepy... What's more, Mustang is also his commanding officer, so that makes it even more slightly innapropriate. HOWEVER (!!) to avoid you thinking that I think that this is a bad pairing, I'm going to stop that train of thought and say that they're actually cute together and that Harry's relationship with Ed and Al is sweet: playing the big brother. Once I've really had a chance to think about it, I realise that this is probably the best way to set this up anyway and I can better appreciate it :-) (although I would recommend changing your pairing for the story to match the actual pairing...)
Before I go any further, I also want to make it VERY clear that I have no intention of TELLING you how to write your story, I'm just trying to provide some constructive criticism and--if this is the style that works for you--by all means continue this way :-) Oh, I also REALLY like the idea of devoting one chapter to each episode! Works out really nicely and makes it easy to track xD
Anyway, here's my main beef with the way this story is set up: it's not the fact that you're following the FMA plot almost to the letter (except you took all the things that happened in the past and placed them in chronological order, which actually--imho--makes the story flow better), but more the fact that a distinct personality (Harry) has been introduced to the story and that he still seems to make little to no impact on the storyline itself. That chapter where you devoted a lot of time to setting up Harry's character was actually, in my opinion, one of the best chapters so far. I mean, maybe this is just me, but I feel that having Harry there would drastically change the happenings of a number of scenes; yet, there are places where one practically forgets that he is even there. For example, the Barry the Slicer scene (since it's the one most prevalent in my mind at the moment): when Harry and Al arrive, I somehow imagine Harry being more...protective-acting...vengeful, even...than he acted in that scene. We've already proven that Harry has a lot of Dark Magic in him, so it seems to me that maybe he's got a little more of a temper, and little more willingness to sling around his magic when his emotions run high. Okay, now I honestly feel awful because I feel like I AM telling you how to write this and that I'm being overly critical... -sigh- I'm sorry for that... Hopefully you get my point, though.
Ooh, one thing that just occured to me: have you decided on an Alchemist designation for Harry? I wanna know what it is! Q.Q I thought we were gonna find out when Ed got his xD Ah well... Personally, I think something like Spellbinder or Mageheart or Fluxforce (or something significantly more creative than those xD) would be AWESOME!
Anywho, yeah, this IS really a nice story! Despite what I said above (and I do stand by it: I do wish Harry played a large role at times), it's still really fun to read! I'm just wondering what Harry is gonna do when he finds out that Mustang didn't tell him that Hughes died. Also, I REALLY hope that the inclusion of Harry can make the ending of the story CHANGE! Because GOSH DARNIT (I would say something more colourful, but the filter would bock me) I DESPISED THE ENDING OF FMA! IT MADE ME CRY! AND I'M A GUY! (not that that's saying much xD) IT WAS SO DEPRESSING, THEM BEING TRAPPED ON OPPOSITE SIDES! Please find some way to change it? :D Maybe you can even keep Hughes alive? Nah, that wouldn't work, would it?
Anyway, wow, I should probably stop typing now... This has reached over 40 chatacters and it might end up being closer to 50 before I get to my friggin point xD Really, I like this story, and I hope to see it blossom and become AWESOMELY AWESOME! How lame of a sentence was that? Lemme try that again... I can't wait for this fic to unravel and to become progressively more incredible with each chapter! Good luck with it and your other works! |
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