What a cool story!! it is really good! i'm glad they together in the end!! :)

Well, it's interesting enough.

There's definitely a lot of potential. I like the way you write, sentence to sentence. I always appreciate good spelling and grammar.

To be honest, though, I found it rather... crammed, I guess. There's a lot there to read, and it wasn't exactly easy for me. Too much text in one paragraph for my tastes.

Keep it up, though.