   Ashen Rose Shadow
2006-10-03 . chapter 1Sorry it’s taken me so long to review this, but I haven't had the time to review this properly lately... -_-
I hope this makes up for it!
Everything you say about Touya Akira in the beginning really gives the reader a magnificent visual, and you convey him so well, predicting what he would do - I love it.
The foreshadowing is also wonderful, after the three things Touya had really counted on, two of them fell through, and so the reader already had a feeling about the last one. You conveyed that gradually, but in an extremely effective manner, and it turned out brilliant.
You had me really freaked out for a minute; I have to admit, because after, "Waya liked to tease Shindou about his inability to navigate the Tokyo subway system..."
I thought for sure there was some fatal incident involving Shindou falling on the tracks or something.
"...he readied himself for the wave of ridicule and good-natured kidding that was sure to follow his arrival."
That sounds just like Touya. ^_^
"If he were sick—he could have hypothetically taken his phone off the hook and turned his cell phone off."
I love that line, it’s so bitingly sarcastic, but it shows the desperation in what the boys are thinking and Touya's real worry about Shindou.
"…niggling" What a nice word. The words you use (on countless occasions) go far beyond what any normal author would use. You used flawless adjectives and your sentences flow perfectly.
"Most surprisingly, life continued on without Shindou."
That one hits me especially hard. How dependant had Touya been? Had I ever really thought of it? How much of life was routine around him? So many questions that the one line makes the reader ask! Brilliant.
"Pretty soon, Touya was afraid that he might have thought Shindou Hikaru up completely."
Another line that hits me hard. I had to reflect on this one. Touya questioning his own sanity... you're just a wonderful writer. I don't know how to tell you how brilliant this really is. Not just this line, (even though it stands out very well)but the whole story has this undertone that makes you think about exactly what each character is going through and is MADDENING because you don't know why. The reader does not know Shindou's excuse and you used the awesome power of being an author to play with that aspect and revolve everything around it so the story pulls the reader in so deep when Shindou finally returns they feel as if the mounting tension Touya was feeling has been lifted off their own shoulders. That’s magic and you can do it.
One of my favorite parts of the story was the little snippets from Touya's continuing life. I like how they were brief, but weighed much importance on the tone. (When Touya asks Isumi about Shindou being a ghost and when he looks in the mirror and tells himself "I'm not crazy.")
Perfect.
"His reflection didn’t answer and the silence felt too confining in his room, seemingly seeping in from under the crack of the door and windows to suffocate him."
There is nothing I can say here. That line is so beautiful that I might cry if I digress.
"Touya’s metaphorical rational shoulder angel" I laughed out loud at that. ^_^ I could picture it.
“SHINDOU HIKARU,” “No explanation, no note—“ “YOU JUST LEFT.”
*Huge Smile* The outburst had to be the most defining moment. I think most of us HnG fans are used to the rational, calm, collected, mature Touya Akira that is portrayed most often, but to see him like this, (and the mention to his rumpled suit before)if it hadn't hit you before (and anyone who didn't see it would be dense) you really know now that Akira was gravely upset. Horribly upset. Beyond that even.
YAY! Shindou doesn't smoke! lol
""I was looking for Sai and couldn’t find him.” Shindou smiled ruefully. “I’ve always sucked at finding things.”
“Hikaru.”"
AH-HA! The fatal and defining name change! Perfect, you're a coy author aren't you. I read 'Hikaru' and was like *GASP*
I really like how Hikaru says "I've always sucked at finding things." It's playful and so like him, but deep and filled with meaning and emotion. Any thing that sounded to mature wouldn't have given off the same emotion that this did.
"Touya tried to think of a way to say “Shindou, grab your jacket and I’ll help you check into the nearest insane asylum” tactfully but Shindou interrupted him mid-thought."
Brilliant again. Marvelous, I love Touya pondering that thought and rearranging it in his mind.
The argument between the two boys about Touya's father and Sai's last game was very well constructed.
Now comes the part of the story (tiny part) that I don't see that clearly. "four years."
He was gone four years? I just can't see that, really. Four years is so long and this emotion that was built up throughout the story - would it convey four years? I think it would have been a weaker sense. I hope this doesn't hurt your feelings because your story is positively magnificent, but the only part I can't come to terms with it that.
“This,” Shindou gestured toward their game, “is Sai and your dad’s last game.”
"“It doesn’t have to be.”"
Ahh, the chills that ran down my spine at those five simple words. That feeling is unbelievable, only really good authors can do that and you are exceptional.
"Sticking out his tongue in a demonstration of his age-acquired maturity"
Love it! You filled the story with witty bits like this, didn't you? ^_^ "“Shindou, you had the same dream for nearly four years. I think it qualifies as a nightmare.”"
Very clever.
"“All the time I spent looking for Sai, I only needed to play a game against you. Ironic, don’t you think?”
“Shindou.”
“I’d be polite and protest and say you’re the best thing since instant ramen but I think you’d rather sleep,” Shindou replied, tactfully. “’Night.”"
Yes, ironic, but very, very plausible. After all, he was searching for Sai and Sai was in him even after he disappeared. Staying away from the people he has the most intense memories about Sai with wasn't going to help anything.
I think this is the perfect ending to HnG. I am going to pretend that this is not a fan fiction and it really happened. That would make me very happy. ^_^
Overall your story was superb. Keep writing!
-Cassidy |
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