hi i like the way u wrote this story
good job hope u cud do a lot more..

Is this inspired by the ovas? Because it sure seems very much like the summaries I've read of those.

not to be a huge critic,
(though I am) it was a little too confusing, you could start by making complete sentences, and perhaps a longer chapter, but it's not half bad. Also you could try and add more descriptive words and try to add some more visual. Technically I can critisize everything I can see ,but good job on your very first fanfic. By the way think on my advice. And read some of my stories too. hope your next chapter is better though. ~Icy