Nivenus here. I'm going through all the old party's stories. I'm pretty familiar with Pris' work but I haven't really read a lot of yours, Dinah's, Uilieand's, or plutospawn's. Aim to change that, I do.

You've got a decent piece here. First off, I want to give you a thumb's up for your portrayal of both Mission and Canderous. They both come across strongly here and believably. You might be surprised (or you might not - I don't know how many fan fics you've read) to know how often these two characters are done wrong. Mission's often made more innocent and sweet than seems likely for what can be effectively called a street rat (huh, looking back over the story I noticed you actually used the term) and Canderous often verges between being a misunderstood crusader of mightly righteousness or a downright sadistic butcher. Neither is an appropriate portrayal.

You, on the other hand, get both Mission and Canderous down nicely. Mission's obviously angling for trouble, prodding Canderous out of a typically adolescent desire for a response in a way that she clearly means as harmless fun but which could easily be taken as malicious taunting. Similarly, I like how you don't gloss over the fact that she's killed and is perhaps more than a little uneasy about it. You also managed to keep that optimism that is so very Mission without making it annoyingly perky.

Likewise, with Canderous, you've got a merc who's very definitely dark deep down inside. But he's also a self-aware merc, who realizes he's crossed the line more than a couple of times and while not necessarily guilt-ridden, feels a little unhappy with how things have turned out - for both him and those around him. He's rough around the edges and he's got a dangerous temper, which you show hints of in his interactions with Mission, though it's a slow temper that boils gradually rather than exploding violently. Good work there.

I also dug your casual slip of Mando'a into the dialogue. I'm a sucker for fictional linguistics and in general I just love it when people do their research. So that was a nice touch for me.

I also thought, that for the brief moment you showed her, Juhani was done fairly well. However, her full character doesn't quite come out, likely because she only appears for a full sentence. It does mean that Canderous and Mission heavily overshadow her (though I'm sure that was the point).

Jolee, on the other hand, is a little weak. This is in the usual way, a flaw I'm guilty of in my own writing, though I try to stave off of it, which is that it seems you're using him for little purpose but to provide a mouth piece to your perspective. It's easy to do that with Jolee, given that he's intentionally set up to fill the wise old man schtick. However, it's important to remember that one's man wisdom is another's foolishness. Also, as we all know, Jolee is far less perfect than he'd like to pretend he is.

Overall, a nice, short piece.

First thing to say, I'm quite relieved to have found a KotOR fic here with such coherence. Most of the others are quite superficial. You've had an original take on the characters, if you ask me, but it was refreshing to look into character psychology and reactions. No one really delves into that anymore.

In conclusion, I liked it very much. *goes to rummage through your other stuff*

Oh, and there was this one tiny issue: "Talking was Canderous was a real mixed bag". I think the first 'was' should be 'with', but that's all.

There was one typo I noticed..."Talking was Canderous was a real mixed bag"...I'm guessing the first was should be a with. The POV transitions were a little abrupt. It was a bit awkward switching from Juhani to Mission and back again. Maybe extending the ending some would better complete the framing effect?

That out of the way, I have to say that I really did like this and I'm sorry that I missed it over on KFM. Congrats on the tie for first.

As to Magag5Lore's comments, I'm going to have to disagree. I *don't* think the characters are too OOC.

Mission may know about Canderous's past and have had a healthy fear of Davik's men in the past, but she feels safe with the crew now. They have been together for a while. And she still holds on to the belief that people can become good even if they were once bad. Just look at how she reacts to Revan; she stands by her because she has faith in a goodness that others have trouble seeing. And, of course, she makes an excellent busybody. It's always fun to see her snooping around in everyone else's business.

Juhani has a lot of anger to deal with about many things; the Mandalorians' destruction of her homeworld being one of them. But, as a Jedi and in her personal quest to redeem herself, she must learn to let go of those things. Taking the first steps towards a truce and perhaps even a camaraderie with a Mandalorian is a great start.

I don't think Canderous is being "fluffyfied" here. He's still tough, but traveling on the Hawk and facing Jagi did have a profound effect on him. Canderous even admits in the game that he's not the Mandalorian he used to be. He may never turn into a nice man, but he does move away from the way the he used to be.

I didn't really mean to go on for so long, but I wanted to give my two cents worth on the characterizations.

Thanks for the read!

Just saw this and decided to leave some feedback.

I like the idea of adding some depth to the stuff about Jaqi, even if it is only in a round about way. I'm not sure how much that did affect Canderous in the end, though.

I'm aware this is just a short piece, but some of the characterization bothers me. Not Canderous, which is dealt with nicely enough. It is the other characters which seem OOC to some extent, and it look suspiciously like character worship (of Canderous).

Juhani start out well-enough in the discussion with Jolee, but the suggestion toward the end of her reconsidering Canderous just because he might be changing is simply nonsense.

Mission lived on Taris and was well aware of Davik and what kind of thing Davik was. She'd know of Canderous and the work he did for Davik, and would have no reason to ever approach him, especially without Zaalbar. Mission may be young, but hardly naive enough to get involved with Davik's chief thug.

Jolee defending Canderous is another thing which doesn't work. What few banters they have in-game, they are bickering. Most telling is the one outside the Academy on Korriban, where Canderous points out that he would just shoot them and Jolee's answer is "Of course that's what *you* would do." In other words, Canderous get no respect from Jolee.

Finally - besides the OOC, this is most what makes it look like character worship - you have Jolee say: “His people did some reprehensible things, sure. But he didn’t, and he’s not a monster. Can’t judge a man by his race.”

Excuse me? Which part of "...the thousands I've killed... the worlds I've burned..." did you miss? That is from the very first conversation you can have with him.

Or how about this: "Your stagnant Republic has never seen some of the strange creatures and races we fought on the Outer Rim in those years. Heh, and you never will now." He openly admits to genocide here.

Or what about this: "We came in through three invasion corridors in adjacent sectors. Anyone who put up a fight - or wouldn't fight - was crushed. We razed whole worlds trying to provoke the Republic into fighting us." Destroying entire worlds just to provoke a fight, so very honorable.

Or this: "I have no time or patience for cowards! They deserve to be hunted down and exterminated like vermin!" followed by "There was no honor in wiping them out like rats. But some of your forces did redeem the Republic in our eyes... especially later..." He helped wiping out defenders, even though he gained no honor and is a hypocrite here.

And his description of Taris: "You got the rich people on top, the poor people being crushed underneath, and people like me trying to make a living doing the crushing." And much of that crushing was killing whomever Davik ordered, including women and children.

Which part of that resume is not reprehensible? There is a reason that none of the other characters get along with him in the game, that they only bicker with him.

I really dislike seeing Canderous fluffyfied, whether directly, by making him care about someone, or indirectly, like here where for no reason all the other characters are suddenly soo understanding of him and his ways, that all their issues with those are forgotten.