   Shoomy2003
2008-08-22 . chapter 12While this was a riveting story, you left several things untied. What of Kagome's "special" powers? It seems as though it was stated in the first chapter as something important to know, but then it was not even hinted at in the subsequent chapters; Kagome seemed just as "out of the know" as the readers were. Also, why did Naraku have to sell Kagura's jewelery? Why was Setsuna so ticked about Kagome reading the papers, and why did he suddenly drop out as an interest for Kagome? Kagome's unease with Kikyou was never delved into, and Kikyou played a very minor role in the storyline considering the emphasis placed on her and Inuyasha flouting their relationship publicly. Kanna's ending role as Naraku's slave could have been more adequately outlines, as well as Kagura's relationship with Setsuna. Inuyasha, Sango, and Miroku were well done; Kohaku dropped off the face of the earth.
You did a great job of not throwing Kagome and Sesshoumaru at one another. You slowly built up a dramatic climax--when he consumed her blood--and allowed the pieces to fall into place afterwards. It seemed a little rushed for Rin to be asking Kagome to be with Sesshoumaru as a family member, especially since Rin never really seemed to state that she thought that Sesshoumaru was interested in her. Also, I do feel that you could have drawn out the climax as well. For example, after Kagome found out about his death and re-birth, they don't have the chance to really converse beyond that due to the sudden fight scene. Though you did a great job of not forcing them to love one another, your ending chapter of how they had the rest of eternity to plot out their lives together seemed rather sudden due to their not really forming a relationship beyond the horror plot.
I do feel that you have a lot of talent, and that these are easily fixed mistakes. I get the feeling that you rushed the ending due to you wanting to finish the story. I completely understand that, but do know that as a result it's lacking several components of a story that could have been better if your interest in it had not waned.
Also, where does the title come from? It seems strangely disconnected by the storyline. I think you started out by using Kagome's special powers and the story of the strange disappearance of the neighboring warrior prince (which name escapes me because you used it for all of two chapters and then dropped it for some unknown reason and reverted to "master") to label them as outcasts and thus bring them together, but unfortunately your story took a rather sudden twist (as they are wont to do) into a dark, seductive hallway of "Oh look, something much more pretty and interesting over here... Plot bunnies!"
All in all, if I were to rate this story, I would give it about a 6.5-7 out of 10. It had VERY few grammatical mistakes (barring the extreme drop of the quotation comma... who taught you that?), and your spelling was immaculate. Once you formed a plot after the second chapter, you stuck with it for the most part. Your sentences flowed well, and they SHOWED action instead of TELLING action. Good job. |
Shoomy2003
2008-08-22 . chapter 2All right. I know I'm only on ch. 2, but I've noticed that you've got a repeating grammatical mistake. You forget commas after quotations.
Example (one of many):
“About the jewels” Kagome commented...
It should read:
"About the jewels," Kagome commented...
If the sentence being spoken does not end with a question or exclamation mark, it should end with a comma if it is to be followed with a he-said she-said type deal. Does that make sense?
Great story so far. You have a nice fluid style, and you have very few mistakes grammatically (barring the comma deal). You also haven't stated anything that isn't pertinent to the storyline yet. I look forward to the other chapters. |
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