Hey, Kristen! I read this chapter like five billion years ago, but didn't review it because I didn't have time and because I'm a dumbass. But I do have a semi-valid excuse, which is that my computer is all f-ed up and we had to get a new one, so I was without a computer for almost 3 weeks, except for a few minutes here and there at work. Blech. Have I mentioned lately how much I hate computers? Oh, but I like the new one because it hasn't done anything mean to me yet.
Anyways...I'm still really enjoying this story. It's always exciting, and the character development is really strong. I like the focus on John's family in this chapter, as well as the previous chapter. It's nice to get an in-depth look at them that isn't all about how much John's dad beat him and how much he hated him and...blah, blah, blah. It's a refreshing change, to hear about something other than that.
Okay, I'm going to get the concrit out of the way right now. This is going to sound kind of dumb, but bear with me, alright? I'll try to make sense. Now, one thing I have noticed is that sometimes your word choice is not very precise, and sometimes you get your idioms mixed up. It happens when you write something down the way you would SAY it if you were telling someone the story out loud. This works well if it's dialogue or if the narrative was told in 1st person, but if the story is being told in 3rd person, it can come across as sloppy. Because when we're talking to someone, most of us just say things without thinking, and our word choices aren't very precise. That's natural, especially if we're thinking quickly and we THINK we're saying the right thing, even if it isn't really correct. For example"The loud sound subconsciously made both kids jump..." I understand what you're trying to say here; subconsciously, they associate loud noises with their father. But it doesn't subconsciously make them jump. They either physically jump or they don't. Also, in the next sentence you said, "Both of their heads shot to the stairs..." Their heads didn't literally shoot off of their bodies and onto the stairs. They snapped towards the direction of the stairs.
I also noticed the same thing in the last chapter, where you wrote that John's father would "mumble incoherently and redirect orders". It should be that he would "direct orders", not redirect them. He's only doing it once. The thing is, I can definitely see where "redirect" would sound natural and just kind of slip out. And all of this probably sounds like a really dumb thing to bring up, like I've just gone from giving concrit to being WAY too anal...and maybe I have, LOL. But I think that little things like those can build up and that the overall writing can seem sloppy or awkward if it isn't fixed. So, I guess my advice would be to be really careful about word choice and getting your idioms right. It's good to follow your gut, but sometimes our first instinct is wrong (with grammar and word choice, not characters or plot!), so maybe it'll just take an extra run-through, keeping word choice in mind when you edit. A beta might help with that, too. You know I'd always do it if you needed someone.
Phew. That took a long time to explain, sorry. Anyway, the confrontation between James and Janice was intense! I could kind of feel for both of them. Janice was harsh with the comment about their dad, but I didn't feel like it was TOTALLY off base, considering how stupid he's acting and how much it's hurting her to see him like that. But I can also see James's side, how he's doing it for her and John and how much it hurts to have her not appreciate it.
I also liked John's thoughts on how selling the coke would affect everyone. I feel bad knowing that Roger's going to get involved in this when he's so against it. I also wanted to hit John for doing the coke! It'll be interesting to see how it affects him, and also what kind of trouble he'll get into for selling at school.
Anyway, fantabulous chapter, my friend. Update ASAP, okay? Don't let the man get you down. Fuck the man, save the empire! Hahaha, I need to watch that movie again. I bought it the other day, and I'm seriously craving some Lucas-isms, LOL. Anyway, sorry to babble. Keep writing!-K
Hey, Kristen! It's been so long since I've read this story, and I forgot how much I liked it!
I like how you're using the war metaphors in the italicized parts at the beginning. It brings all the chapters together really nicely, and I think that every story needs a good theme.
This line didn't make sense to me until I read it a few times"The times that he and his sons got along were a rarity while they were a little but not much more frequent with his wife and daughter.
You need a comma right after rarity, because without it the reader will just read it as "The times that he and his sons got along were a rarity while they were a little..." and then stop and get confused when they hit the dash marks. I noticed missing commas in a couple of other places too, so you might want to be careful about that, just because it can make your sentences a little bit confusing.
I liked the story about John's dad, and obviously you know that I can see him as a Vietnam vet. The only thing that was a little off was the fact that he wouldn't receive benefits because he was discharged from the army. If he was sick, he could always go to the nearest veteran's hospital (my grandfather, who was in WWII, did that until he died a few years back), and although it's certainly not the best hospital around, he would be able to get free medical care and medication. But that's not something you're expected to know, and I'm the only person that would probably even care or think twice about it, so whatever.
I like the little details you added about the basement and the fact that John was the only one that really used his on a regular basis. I also like the details you added about the differences between his friends, especially Ricky and Roger. I like Roger. :0
Janice seems nice. I like how worried she is about her brothers. I especially like this line“God I wish you guys would quit doing that. Don’t you realize you pay those big, fat scary guys to kill you? It’s so stupid.” I don't know why, LOL.
Anyway, nice chapter. Looking forward to the next one!
I loved the little "prologue" thing at the beginning. I was immediately curious about Mad Dog and who he was and how he was going to break them apart. I also like how stoic the whole thing is, with all that stuff about taking it like men and being a soldier and accepting responsibility. That sounds like a tough guy way to think, that's for sure. It sounded like Bender, too.
I love 'Rocketman'! James, I'm totally there with you, dude.
I liked the conversation about the cocaine, and how ferverently James wanted it to solve some of their problems for them. I was really intrigued by the fact that the previous coke dealer in Shermer went missing. That is very interesting, as was the story Ricky told about the guy that worked for Mad Dog, but pulled out, even though he was making thousands of dollars a week. I like that James is smart enough to be worried about the missing coke dealer, but not enough to let it get in the way of his money. I also like that John and Roger are the only other ones that seem concerned.
I liked that John wanted to go after his brother, even though it could get him killed. There's obviously a lot of loyalty there, and we all know John's not afraid to sacrifice himself. I liked that moment.
And holy crap, the end has me on the edge of my seat! I guess that guy didn't just skip town after all, did he? James better watch his ass dealing with that guy! Man, I just want to shout through the screen, "Don't do it!" Gah!
Okay, so, um, update immediately. Because this was a great chapter and I'm totally into this story now. Next chapter, stat!
I like Reggie already. I like how John met him, and how he defended him against the future football players. It's kind of ironic that he ended up so huge, huh? I'll bet he could snap those other boys in half now! LOL
I also like how opposite Tom and Cody are. I have a feeling Cody's gonna do something crazy stupid at some point during the story, though I'm probably wrong, as usual. I also like Roger, mostly because Bender does. If he trusts him, I guess I can, too.
I like how the main group has kind of a subgroup of younger kids. That's definitely realistic for any group, gang or not. Even the subgroups usually have leaders, so I like that John is the leader of theirs."He took a lot of responsibility for the boys and wasn’t afraid to deck them if they needed it." Good for James, LOL. He sounds like a good leader. I like that the other boys see him like they would a brother, too. Jake's an ass, though. What a jerk for telling the "kids" to screw off like that. Luckily I know what happens to him in the end. :p
Good first chapter. I will read the next one later, because otherwise I'll be late for work, as usual. :p
Hey Kristen! I decided to read this, and i am wowed, to say the very least! Amazing story. Great idea to make solely a Bender thang.
May i make a request? I do wanna see a bit with him and James and his little sister, i wanna see how the family relationship thing is between the siblings. I like how you didn't just make it James and John. I luv reading about John being a protector, it makes me swoon!
One thing I would suggest would be to watch your tenses. You mixed them up a bunch in this chapter (I think you've gotten a lot better with tenses, which is why I noticed it here). For instance"You never know just what kind of high horse you are on until someone bigger than you knocked you off." That should be "knocks you off". And "Nothing had quite been the same ever since." should be "Nothing has been..." It wasn't ultra distracting, and I know it's hard to catch stuff like that without a beta. I just wanted to give you a heads up.
Okay, so the important stuff. I like how cryptic this is, because I'm really curious now to find out what happened "that night", and to find out where you're going to start the story. I'm curious about his siblings, too. I want to know more about them.
I like that he wanted to be different from his father, but he ended up becoming what he hated. I think that's definitely something Bender would fear.
I like that you explained how Bender's dad got so fucked up in Vietnam. Obviously, LOL. But I like that he sees the similarities between them and hates himself for it.
I really liked the scene in italics, the flashback or whatever. I liked the little details you added, like the fact that Roger was innocent and shouldn't have been the one to pull the trigger, how he threw up on his shoes, how James's voice seemed like a whisper even though he was screaming.
I was really sad when Roger died, because I could feel Bender's pain. Good job there.
Yay! An AU! I'm excited. I want to know what's going to happen now.
An epilogue... hm... does that mean that as the story goes on we're going to know what lead John to those incidents? And I don't know if I didn't catch something, but who was the guy killed?
Oh, I liked this! I'm anxiously waiting for the next chapter, which I hope I'll be able to read soon! Sorry for the short review, but I'm short on time.
Kristen,
I have never read an Epilogue/Prologueish thing that got me so engrossed in the story so quickly. This was incredible. The bitterness, the sorrow, the anger, the regret. I felt like I was running away from the cops with them, staring in shock as everything around just started to collapse. This was amazing, and I cannot wait to read the first official not Epilogue/Prologueish chapter.-Beena
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