the chapter was great i hope all of the other are awesome

I really enjoyed this story! Muraki does have a sweet side...buried deep within him. Poor Tsuzuki, he is heartbroken! I want to go read the sequel now! Hisoka's feelings are understandable but he really isn't being a good friend/partner for Tsuzuki!

That was good, you just have to work on grammer and spelling. I also think Muraki was a little out of character, but it was well done.

Great story. I really liked it.

*sniff* poor tsuzuki, being taken advantage by that bastard muraki!
- nice plot by the way, i was also wondering what would have happened if hisoka didn't rescue tsuzuki back then. you bring my fantasy to life bec. i can't do it, with my lack of imagination. thank you!

This is a great story thnx I really love it :D

I looked at your profile and came across this fic. I had to read it, because of the description. There was something about the squick warning that appealed to me. I'm tough to squick, but my fanfic motto is "Your squicks are my kinks."

I'm reviewing after reading the first chapter. I'll start with what I loved, and give you some constructive criticism after that.

What I loved:

Muraki puts Tsuzuki off balance from the start. Very nice. Clearly his snazzy transport power is useful for sexy reasons and not just for making a cool exit. :D

These lines brought me evil glee: Tsuzuki pleads. ” Let me go and I will do anything you want me to...any thing besides this”
Muraki looks at him intrigued.

Tsuzuki's desperation there is so vivid, I can taste it. Yum. I'm intrigued too! He's willing to do anything to save himself from having sex with Muraki. This is truly powerful, because he knows what sensei is capable of and he *still* makes the offer.

I love Muraki's response. He really toys with Tsuzuki in this chapter, especially when he pretends to consider his offer. He's prolonging his own pleasure (which we know sensei likes from his remark in "King of Swords") and he's being playful with his lover. He's being romantic in his own sadistic, evil, way. :D

Poor Tsuzuki seems terrified by the idea of having sex with another man. I'm curious. Is it because of the time period in which he was born, or is it something else?

*grins with evil glee over Muraki biting Tsuzuki* I firmly believe that he should bite him, hard and often. :D

The plot has me hooked. I want to find out what happens next.

Muraki's characterization is delightful. If Hisoka hadn't interrupted, he'd be like this in "King of Swords".

Overall, I love this story.

I'd like to give you some constructive criticism.

You shift tenses a few times. Sometimes the fic is in present tense, but other times, it's past tense. This disrupts the flow of the fic. My advice is to decide which one you prefer and use it exclusively. Most fiction is written in past tense. People don't find it distracting and it's a great choice. Present tense can draw a reader in and make her feel like she's in the story. Past tense vs. present tense is just a personal choice.

I recommend finding a beta reader. These delightful creatures clean up spelling and grammer, point out inconsistencies and other plot issues. They work for getting to read your story first, and of course for the love of words.

Summery: You captured my imagination, and I especially enjoyed your Muraki. The plot is great. Best of all, I want to know what happens next and that's high praise.

I'll read more chapters later, and read more Ms (Miss? I forget.) Muraki on LJ. I'll review later today there.

btw...
*giggle* I have an as yet unposted gender change potion WIP with a girl-ified Muraki. I pair Muraki with Oriya and an eventually girl-ified Watari in that one. It's got yaoi, yuri, and het. I'll polish and post the first part this week. You might like it.)

your fic was... wow im so glad i found it and reading your authors note makes me want to go to that sequel asap but its late/early and im tired so i'll just check it out later and i so hope that its complete^^

So. I lied about chapter eigth. this is my favorite chapter

I really think you should get a fulltime beta for your stories. perhaps pairing up with another author? I tend to make mistakes like the ones you make ( no offense of course) and having a "buddy" in another author really helps. Maybe you can find someone here on maybe another YNM author?

I dunno. I adore your writing, this chapter is my absolute favorite so far! Good work.

Wonderful story! You really made me sad at the end...but then! Aw! It was so good! I loved it! And the funny thing was that I had just finished watching that episode yesterday before I read this. Lol. Funny huh? Anyways...GREAT GREAT GREAT STORY!

I have some things to say about your fic so far... These are not insults, only friendly and honest criticism.

Like a friend of mine, you write as if writing a script. It seems as if Mura-chan and Tsuzu-chan are actually on a stage and performing the script you wrote. I am not saying this is bad, it just feels awkward to read when written in such a format.

There... are errors. Many errors. Spelling and sentence fragments are laced within this piece of writing. All that needs to be done is a grammar check and take out a few periods, replacing them with commas.

These things can be fixed with ease.
The two final things I would like to say are these:

I love how you portrayed Mura-chan and Tsuzu-chan, they are very much in character. In fact, this chapter is how I would have preferred things to go in the manga. X3 Hurrah! Yaoi!

And last but not least, I hope that my review hasn't drove a knife into your writing spirit, I really do. Whenever someone points out mistakes in my own writing, I flip out and get a writer's block because I am such a perfectionist. Shame on me.

Please reply to this review if you can.
~Arigato~

that was awsome i'm not a perfectionist or anything but you had quite alot of mispelled words but i give it 10/10 it's great it's awsome thats an understaement it's magnificent it has a great plot

wah! what's the sequel gonna be named? that made me cry. what a was to end it, i hope things end up better.

I love the story...The sex scenes were hot.
Please make a sequel