|Reviews for DearS Cookoff|
| GreyShadowKitsune 9/3/11 . chapter 1
KEEP GOIN THIS HAS BEEN GOOD SO FAR!
| enterprise 1/22/08 . chapter 1
and maybe it is me but it feels like i read this story under a different author also (A)
| nightmareofnoir 11/10/06 . chapter 1
HOW FUNNY KEEP ITY UP
| Perentie Fan 10/31/06 . chapter 1
This story certainly has potential, but as you asked for a critique I'd suggest the following:
1. Work on your spelling and punctuation. The speed and energy of the dialogue is nice but the way you formatted it made it hard to follow or were written in a way that seemed half-done. In particular don't have two different people speaking in the same paragraph.
2. Some of the things the characters said made little sense in the context. Like Neneko telling Takeya he got up before she could dump the water on him. I don't think Takeya would have to be told water was not dumped on him, he'd be well aware of that. Ren also seemed to appear out of nowhere in the story.
3. Work on your characterization a bit. Takeya has a temper but he's rarely this mean and tends to forgive and be nice almost immediately after yelling at Ren. He also doesn't despise aliens, that whole thing about him being suspicious about Ren trying to brainwash him by seducing him was mostly just an idle thought he had early in the manga before he understood what Ren was really trying to do. Indeed, he's freely admitted he cares a lot about Ren, though trying to see her as "just family" is quite hard to do. And Miu may not like Ren a lot but she doesn't hate her either, at most she sees Ren as undeserving of the "the gift" and as a rival.
Lastly, Ren is not quite as dim or ignorant or timid as she seems to be here. Perhaps very early in the series but she's learned quite a bit over time. Mostly she's prone to jumping to (often wrong and extreme) conclusions and (as you showed here) openly talking about things in public that one generally does not talk about in public.