Hm..not bad. The best thing this story needs is spacing between conversation and paragraphs. Other than that, its good! Continue to update please!

God Bless!

Ouch.

Here's what you need to do:

-Divide up the dialogue into paragraphs, so that a new speaker starts a new paragraph. As is, this is very hard to read.

-Do the same so that each paragraph envelops a single idea or theme.

-Insert more visual and general sensory description. It will enliven a somewhat flat story.

Do all this, and I'm sure things will look much better. Good luck.