   Dakyu
2006-11-09 . chapter 1um...ok then. Not a bad start, however there are a few things that i think i should point out
1: toph was extremely out of character in this. She'd never say 'onee-chan' (especially since that's japanese, and the avatar world is based, more or less, in a chinese setting) and she seemed a bit mary-sueish. she's hard to write, don't get me wrong, however other readers will probably point this out too.
(she'd never sob so easily, just keep that in mind. even if she did love him, she wouldn't be so fast to expose her emotions, she'd wait until they were alone)
2: I hate to say it, but there's only one avatar at a time. The whole point of the avatar is to have there be ONE all powerful person who maintained the balance. And after that person died, they were able to be reborn as another person. You could have him be an avatar from an alternate time/dimension (which might work for the spirit bending and such) but to have another avatar from the same world just goes against the whole purpose of the show.
You put in a good effort here, however i think you tried TOO hard to be creative, here: you're going to have to explain all the aspects of spirit/metal/gravity/etc bending, including how they work, the styles of martial arts associated with each, and a bunch of other fun stuff that readers may or may not care about, but you still have to write it just for the sake of your version of the avatar world making sense. This story's going to be a huge amount of work. It CAN work, however my first impression of this is another excuse to have an avatar character of your own.
Please don't be offended by this, i've had my fair share of critiscizing reviews myself. Keep trying at it, and you'll get better.
Best of luck
Dak |
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