This fic is a real tearjerker...not in the negative sense, it's more like... a wake up call for me, as a new "Coin" fan. You make me see that there are many, many reasons why Artemis & Holly's relationship may not work after all. But a stubborn part of me still insists that there might be some way,

After all, like Bono said in U2's "Electrical Storm": "If the sky can crack, there must be some way back, to love and only love."

But I guess I have to be realistic.

I'm shocked to read that Artemis leaves his child in Holly's keeping...that's still abandonment, no matter what. And it signifies more unclear path ahead of all three of them: Holly, Little Holly, and Artemis.

I really like your portrayal of Artemis as a reality-hardened man. Life can do that to any person, I suppose.

I'm currently listening to Chapman's "Fast Car". I must admit that the music is not my favorite genre at all, but the simple lyrics echo in my head after reading the story.

Would love to read more Arty from your pen...

Caravelight

lmao i really need the explanation. i like the story (and i listened to the song whilst reading it ;])

Aww... that was so sad. i was crying (and had to wait a bit to review so i could see the screen).
-Silvermoon

damn that was one good story

Gotta be one of the best one chapter fics out there. :D

I LOVED IT! IT WAS SO GOOD! IT IS SO GOING INTO MY FAVES!

Ok. So I did as you said and listened to the song while I was reading this. I started crying about halfway into the story. At the end, I was totally expecting a kindof happy ending, because that's how most authors put it. But your version seems more plausible. I'm no fan of Minerva's and I've always LOVED the idea of Artemis and Holly falling for each other, but I've also always doubted they could work out the whole interspecies thing.

I love how you wrote this. There were moments of OOCness, but it's all good. Good job.

This... This is a profoundly touching piece of work, and it's sent my emotional compass haywire for a whole day now. While I agree the realism does stumble in places (I got that Artemis gave up his money but... why?), and the all-italics theme makes it somewhat less readable, on the whole I found this work affected me greatly, even some time after reading. That doesn't often happen to me, so high marks.

I still have to imagine a theoretical second chapter where Foaly catches wind of Artemis' plight and offers him a job down below to stave off a heavy feeling in my chest...

I love it. But I also hate it.(sorry) It made me cry.

Wow, this is awesome. :) I love the story, and I love the gradual reveal of the it you've got going. It doesn't get annoyingly obtuse, but it's not blindingly obvious either - and that takes a great deal of skill. Well done.

I'm also particularly impressed with the level you've managed to keep the Holly/Artemis drama/angst at - it's a lovely background kind of thing that he's moved on but he still thinks about her, and... m, it definitely tugs at my heartstrings, and far more than any more melodramatic wailing and tearing of hair would have. :)

Now, for some concrit!
One thing that got annoying was always describing his car as "fast car". Every. Single. Time you talk about his car. I understand it's the phrase from the songfic you want to carry through, but it's just too much. Phrases have a "brilliance" the first few times they're used, but the more they are used the more that brilliance rubs off, and they get tired. An exception is something like: "He walked away to his fast car, his deep blue, fast car." where the repetition is used for effect - and very nice effect at that. I use three times as a guide for how much I can use something without getting annoying/old. :)

Another slightly trivial but no less important bit of concrit - the formatting annoyed me. Having the lyrics in bold and the actual fic in italics/bolditalics for emphasis made the lyrics stand out less. It's also harder to read all italics. I'd recommend leaving the lyrics as is and shifting the fic into plain/italics for emphasis. I'd also bring each segment of lyrics all together into single paragraphs rather than separate ones - you can insert new lines without new paragraph by using Shift+Enter rather than just Enter at the end of each line. In any case, I think that would make the whole thing significantly easier and more pleasant to read.

A slightly more serious reality check issue for me - I totally didn't understand why Artemis would leave his daughter with Holly. And I'm afraid that significantly reduced the impact of the ending for me. Everything else ends up perfectly explained, it was just that bit that disappointed me plot-wise.

And one more thing - the little song that Artemis sings/writes in the note - is exceedingly odd inside another songfic. It didn't feel hugely in character, either, even for your changed Artemis, so... It's sweet, but it did jolt me out of the feeling of it, so if I were you I'd cut it entirely and replace the note with something slightly different.

But all in all, lovely! I love finding a nice long songfic, where someone's really gone to the effort with the story, and this is certainly that. The plot and all the emotion behind it is definitely worth the trip over here. :) Thanks for writing, and good luck in the Orions!

Sorry it took me so long to get to this. :P But here's the critique, at long last, as promised:

While reading this, the first that comes to mind is the writing style. It is very heavy, exaggerating the drama to the point of *bad melodrama* by using frequent clichés of thought, emotion and phrasing, and then further more by a certain bluntness and wordiness. I think if you go through and prune the story a bit - rephrase things for more subtlety, more conciseness, less cliché. It's a long, time consuming process, as far as editing is concerned, but it's worth it. The story becomes much more readable. Really, it's that cutting down that whole chunk that separates the uberamazing writers like Blue Yeti and Book Of Jude and The White Lily from the rest of us. :P

Really, pruning down the writing is a... huge thing to do, really. And it's the single biggest thing you *can* do. It's a huge leap, a huge, time consuming, heartbreaking leap, but once you get by it your writing is so incredibly different. Everything is different. Your stories are cleaner, more polished. The more you edit your works to a polish, the more the polish comes while actually composing. And the better you get.

So... well, there's my little ramble on that.

Asides from that, the mechanics look good, and the drama's there. A few cautionary notes: at times, the realism flops (why would Artemis have to marry for the money? Why would he work in a cubical) and also bear in mind that songfics are actually banned at It'd be a good idea to strip the lyrics and post a "complete" version at an archive that allows songfics, such as AFC.

So, good luck with editing this, and with future writings! (And don't forget to mention the Orion Awards in your profile [/advertering])

Hey, I just loved it! I really like songfics, so... XD

{Well, I'm brazilian, and my english isn't that good, ok?}

Congratulations, again :D

congradulations you have reduced me to an emotional state of bawling my eyes out. not many people can do that .

Awesome.
-Tig

This story is so sad. i absolutly love it its one of the best story i've ever read.