I LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!

U made it to my fave author list!-

Love this story! cant wait for more

sweet! good

O This fic is dark...

is it the ending already?

I hope Joey's father will not come back and ruin the happiness.

2cnd paragraph, either forgot full stops or Jou ate-ed them. I made you a cookie, but then I ate-ed it

As a first chapter, I have to say it's quite cliché. Not only did you do the ever famous and often failed abused!Joey, but there was hardly any emotion in the process of Joey being violated. It was more like...reading up the actions, and that's that, really. There was no sympathy to be gained, no disgust, no sorrow, no nothing.

Also; this is a computer screen. It's *hard* to read all the text meshed into two paragraphs. It makes most who sees the construction of the story turn their back-button. So please; for every new line a person says; make it a new line on the story construction as well. Like this:

"Yada yada" said Kaiba

"Ahaa" said Joey

Instead of having it all in one lump.

Just doing that, and it will all do so much of a difference. It's not too hard either. Just push the Enter button every once in a while. How hard can it be? :P I *truly* see no reason why you wouldn't.

Also you need to work on your writing a bit. There was grammar errors and a lack of description that made it all feel so flat. And when it's flat; readers get uncaring. I mean, if one were to write "And then Luke fell down as the tyrant laughed. Monica cried as she stared". It's sort of like that. You write what's happening, but you ain't got no feeling in it. And feeling is what keeps readers coming back _

Please don't take this as a flame or me being mean. Just trying to give some advice.

cant wait for the next chapter!

dude that was wierd, but cool, in my book wierd is cool. update please!

wow...so much emotion. Why so short though?

Update soon

can wiat for the next chapter!

Mack...I like that name. Good start, but can I make a suggestion. When using dialogue, you're supposed to skip a line to distinguish who is saying what.

ex: "What are you doing here?"

"I'm here to save you." You get what I'm saying? it's easier to read that way.