|Reviews for The Birth of Guyver V|
| Overskill 3/7/09 . chapter 103
Whoo-hoo and what a ride!
Now the last four chapters were delightful - not that the preceeding 99 weren't - particularly because of the way you shifted gears, from breathless action to fluff. I really liked the shift, it emphasises the action before and creates a nice open ending for the sequel.
I loved to bits Deborah's awakening and her meeting with Zektor; I giggled - yeh, me, Ice Queen of the Net - at all the ki-Overlord(s); Kenji's still a bit wobbly as a character, but he's starting to be three-dimensional, which is a very spiffy thing - Oh, BTW, you called him Kenji in a kinda sorta allusive symbolical way, din't you?.
Your style has been growing steadily and is now quite assured. I LIKE your narrative voice. As concrit I'd say you're still a tad better at action than reflection, but it's just a tad and it doesn't make your fic lose balance, so it's alright.
As you see I've nothing but praise for you - yeh, well, there are some typos and small lil thingies, but not worth blathering about - a praise you've utterly earned. Will read the sequel with glee.
| moonstone glows 2/17/09 . chapter 103
OMG, OMG! Go Zektor! I LOVE that he stood up to Balkus for Kenji's sake *considers hugging him...reconsiders* I must admit, I was worried for a moment that it was one of the traitorous bastards, trying to kill the kid!
Can't wait to learn more about Cinders (sorry seems like an appropriate nickname for a fire chick, lol) too.
I'm really looking forward to seeing where this goes in the next tale!
| moonstone glows 1/5/09 . chapter 100
Yay Updates! I love updates *pets new chapters*.
Brilliant as always, Ryan is irritating as hell and I really want Elegan to take him over completely, lol, but that's just me.
I feel so sorry for Kenji/Ingriam, the poor kid has no clue that his dad isn't coming back any time soon, does he? Smacks Imakarum upside the head. I know you think you're doing the right thing, but - go and look after your kid, damn it, moron!
The Hyper-Zoanoid team are so cute, coming over all protective (and creepily droolish, but lets not go there, lol). They're adorable, I hope nothing happens to them in either one of Aptom's little attempts to snack on Ingriam, or the remaining members of the Traitorous Trio's nefarious schemeing to do away with the poor kid.
Bo, evil baddies! (Sorry, I have panto on my mind at the moment ;) Yum, Birmingham.)
| Overskill 11/5/08 . chapter 91
Wonderful as usual. The reader is kept relentlessly interested - even tense - with no slackening of the tension whatsoever. The battle scenes get better and better because your style is growing like weed and is more balanced between terseness and description. The flow is very good and I have nothing but praise for the rhythm of it. It's a fantastic roller-coaster ride that I wouldn't have missed for anything.
Chapter 74 has this: "As he continued to observe the young Zoalord, making gestures that would ingratiate him to the child and make the boy more inclined to trust him, he also kept an eye on Fried’rich. If his fellow Zoalord was going to insist on making an impasse of himself, then he was going to have to find ways to work around him."
What do you mean by 'impasse'? I mean, the general meaning is clear and I know what your sentence means, but the word in this context is a tad unclear.
We left Ryan in chapter 86 slumped on a sofa after his sadistic orgasm, then we see what happens with Daddy Dearest and Little One, then it's chapter 90 and we're I don't know where in the middle of a battle. Am I stupider than usual - not at all impossible - or did you forget to upload a chapter?
I LIKE Sho. I really really do, I always like the ones with ethics, humanity and a sense of responsibility more than any other character. Sho is really great. You write him beautifully.
Ryan shocked me in chapter 83. Yes, well, to be quite honest Agito shocked me too in chapter 83 except that I *think* I have understood his (lack of) reaction. But Ryan... well, sadism has - ironically enough - no appeal for me. I mean, Ryan is one to go overboard over extremely minor things because that's who he is, a bit of a hooligan, really, but so young that one can feel he'll grow out of it. See, if he had tackled Agito at once after that really stupid threat, I'd have been cheering like mad for him - even though it'd have been rather stupid, given their situation - but to coldly prepare a bout of torture-by-surprise goes rather beyond the bounds of 'a bit of a hooligan', IMO. The little dialogue with Elegen afterwards doesn't help the situation much, as well. It left, I admit it, a bad taste in my brain. Though, hey, maybe it was a going beyond any human decency thing that will prove necessary, nay even indispensable, for Ryan's growth and make him a much better man after all.
I await the next chapters with great interest and panting tongue.
| moonstone glows 10/21/08 . chapter 91
Yay, Woohoo, bonus superfast big update. *Does happy dance*.
I cannot beleive that Imakarum did that, what a moron, lol, but at least he is starting to see that Ingriam has to be his own person now.
Dang, but I really want Ryan to join Chronos, not fight against them, he doesn't seem to really have the um, patience, to do things Agito's way, and I think he would make a fine addition to Chronos, and I'm sure 'Elegan' would love to see Neo-Zxtole.
I hope that Imakarum basically disobeying Archanfel isn't going to cause a rift between them, he needs him, and I like it when they get along.
| moonstone glows 10/11/08 . chapter 82
Oh *bites nails*. What happened to Krumeggnic, was that the reaction of Balkus's little alternate personality he implanted to Eggy's treason? I can't WAIT for more (Well, I can, I know I have no choice *g*, but you know what I mean ;) )
| moonstone glows 9/4/08 . chapter 73
Yay! Bumper update :) Luggnagg is a tosser, I hope you're not actually going to let him kill Freid'rich, I think it would serve him right if he got roasted by the Guyvers before he could make his move. Please don't leave it so very long to update again *pouts*
| Overskill 7/27/08 . chapter 64
Whoo-hoo, what a ride!
I'm SO tempted to leave it at that and imagine your face, but I'm too much of a gentlewoman to do so. :P
Now. Your style has improved immensely with time, the flow of the narrative is impeccable and the general rhythm of the story is much more expressive, changing slightly - but only enough that one notices, never so much that one jars - with the diferent POV voices and situations. Very VERY lovely this. VERY.
You have some typos, but, being a gentlewoman, I will refrain from harping on this. They are all minor things, anyway.
I love the way you present your characters, you give the readers time to know them and refrain from awful infodumps. I also love the fact that most of the characters are *persons* and that the few who are rather two-dimensional are not the main actors in this epic.
Agito is love and win, also not so much of an egomaniac as you say - at least you haven't written an egomaniac here. He's quite layered and human, he's also THE most interesting character for me, but I prefer mysterious characters seen through the eyes of the others, so that's just a personal thing.
I like all the women here. To start with, they're *female* and then they are not Victorian heroines at all. Ryan's mum could smack her son once or twice, but, considering the situation, it's quite understandable that she doesn't do so. Shizu is a fundamentally decent person, though she seems a bit dim, but brains aren't everything and she exudes the kind of quiet competence that I most envy in those who have it. She has all my respect.
Sho, OTOH, *is* a vctorian heroine and an utter cretinous one. Give the boy *some* spine, please, it's painful to watch - which, BTW, means you write very well, because one reacts to him as to a person and not a cliché.
Say what you like, but I LIKE Aptom. I was even a bit sorry to see him defeated by the Ryan/Elegen combo. :P I hope against all hopes that he'll eat Sonny Boy. Sonny Boy - aka Kenji - is getting a bit on my nerves. Another proof of brilliant characterisation, because he's more and more like all the kids I particularly can't stand.
Daddy Dearest is wonderfully short a few ants and a whole hamper of a picnic. Does he think scientists grow on trees? I mean, can Chronos *manufacture* scientists? It takes *years* to become a decent lab assistant, let alone a scientist! :-D I actually like him a lot when he's utterly batshit psychopath, though there's poignance in his love for his son.
Now Ryan... Ryan is becoming a tad Joss Whedonish and also the only real egomaniac in the story. It's not that he's a Stu or utterly over the top, because he's neither. I think that the problem is that, for reasons of economy and action scenes, you don't really show *why* he dislikes Agito so much, except maybe for having him walk in the sewers which is really too childish for words and would put Ryan spectacularly in the wrong not to mention that it's too much of a contrast with his self possesion in the preceding battle scenes.
I see how Ryan would dislike Agito, actually, based on personality and the fact that our Ryan is a spoiled brat; I see even better why Agito would quickly revise his first favourable opinion of the spoiled brat. But the readers aren't given the slow build-up that could erupt into the - quite funny, actually - fistfight in the sewer.
It's not such a big thing and it probably won't jar most of your readers, so I'm not saying: "You fail!" at all. Just a thing that niggled at me, reading that scene.
To get back to our Ryan, he's a great character and quite interesting enough to be the protagonist, but careful not to lose his complexity. I don't think you are, actually. The pace of the thing and the latest developments kind of conspire against showing much complexity, just a friendly nudge.
And your battle scenes are TEH AWESOME, kept me on the edge of me seat, they did. And I want to know if my delightful Aptom will eat Sonny Boy - Oh, how I wish! I want to *see* Daddy's face when cherished son turns out to be CHOMP Aptom. I also want to know if Ryan will stop pulling Agito's pigtails and confess his undying lust. :P No seriously, keep updating, I'm totally fascinated by this story.
| kirallie 4/1/08 . chapter 37
Good work as usual. Feel sorry for Sho, facing Murakami like that and being stranded in a strange country.
| Overskill 7/26/07 . chapter 27
Flyingskull here. :-D
This is much better than "Son of mine". It flows much better, expecially the very thrilling chase scenes, and it has a tenser atmosphere and impeccable pacing. I also like the short brisk sentences that end most chapters.
There's enough snark and humour in it to spice the dialgue which is also much improved generally. Ryan is an interesting and engaging character, maybe a tad Stuish, but nothing that offends or irritates the reader. In your 'verse one has to be a Supreme God of the Universe to be truly Stuish, so we allow Ryan his SUPAH BIKE SKILLZ and like him all the same. Kenji is much mre coherently young here and he's well-layered as is Daddy Dearest. I like Aptom quite a lot and can we expect Aptom/Felinos OTP? :P Sho is a tad too one-note, but terror tends to do that to people, so it doesn't make him a flat character. Also Sho/Ryan OTP mark 2? (what can I say? I slash)
The other characters are generally well delineated and I can see no glaring one-dimensionality in them. Sure, lots of characters are just plot-fodder, but at least they have voices individual enough that they don't bore the reader.
There are several mistakes, one of my favourite being this:
-I’ve never seen so many trees before Dad- Heeheehee... commas are your friend all the trees before Dad (capital letter because dady dearest is god now?) are giggling like madly giggling things. There's not many of those, so take heart.
The whole of chapter 24 is the same things repeated twice. Do NONE of your reviewers actually *read* your fic? Go edit and even if chapter 24 ends up shorter than the others, don't change the chapter division you have. It works very well.
You forgot the 'Scene Change' X several times. It's not extremely annoying, but it makes the reader go BZUH? so you better fix those as well.
-"Luggshi," Ryan mumbled, meaning ‘like shit’.-
Don't explain, it's not important and you don't need to talk down to readers, readers are a bright bunch of people who're quite capable of decoding the mumble and/or not caring about such a minor thing.
Yo have a tendency to overuse characters' names in paragraph. Generally it's better to use the pronoun, once the POV character is identified.
And that's all, really. The defects are few and seems mostly due to wanting to publish quickly - hence paying less attention to details - than to inability to write.
Now finish this bugger quickly and GIVE ME AGITO THE SEX GOD OF THIS VERSE! :P
| kirallie 7/19/07 . chapter 27
How can SHo be so stupid? The last time he saw Murakami he was dead and they were near a Chronos installation. People don't just come back from the dead after all! Will Ryan question it more? Why hasn't SHo tried to contact Agito? Keep up the great work!
| kirallie 4/18/07 . chapter 18
That's Sho in there, right? So that means Ryan will meet the group when Sho goes back to them. Feel sorry for his parents, what were they told? Keep up the great work!
| kirallie 1/22/07 . chapter 9
Yay a sequal! poor Ryan! WHat will the doc tell his parents? Hope he wakes up and manages to escape or someone finds out about him and rescues him. Keep up the good work!
| Raven Hufflepuff 12/29/06 . chapter 9
Ryan should wake up and go bioboost on thees Zoaniods's buts!
| Anyari no 'Min 12/18/06 . chapter 1
This is a really cool story; I like it a lot. Nice continuation of SOM. I like Ryan, he's cool.