Let me start by telling you what you've done RIGHT, because that's VERY important for a writer to hear. Not for ego, but so they don't change what rocks. Your mood is good, your descriptions are good, your storyline is good. Your pace is good. Your attention to details are pretty good and your plot is intreaguing. The length of your chapter is great. Your original characters are neat and fun. Over all, I like the story's first chapter.
Also, I hope that you DO continue the story. If not, that's okay too, but just the same...

Now, let's talk about the reason I'm here, lol.
EVERYTHING I write, from here on down, is suggestive advice, so don't get offended... as a writer, my biggest suggestion is to keep doing it if you love it... even if people read your work and gag at first. If you have a passion for it, don't let people deter you... you're doing this to ENJOY yourself, flamers be damned!

Also, always make sure your sentences make sense and are written with some measure of gusto… I think you've got that part down, though. So let's leave that as advice to other people reading this posting.

Now, a lot of writers do a lot of the things I'm about to talk about. I want to make examples for you, of everything I mention, that way it helps you learn... so I'm going to start by picking apart some small stuff with a line of yours... little things, you know? Let's begin!

“Something I can help you with, kid?” she asked softly as soon as he was within normal speaking range.


There are many ways to attack this sentence, Catsith. But there's a lot of stuff to go over, so let's pull this apart real fast, shall we?

“Something I can help you with, kid?” she asked... OKAY, now, I thought a good writer always had to turn a statement into a complete sentence. "yadda yadda," she asked. ...WRONG. IF the quotation is a complete sentence, editors prefer that you DON'T do that.
"Is there something I can help you with kid?" Her question broke the silence in the room.
That, right there, is perfectly acceptable! Honest! In fact, editors prefer it. Or you can identify before the inquiry. Like this:

She tilted her head. "Is there something I can help you with, kid?"

Here's the rest of what you wrote: "...softly as soon as he was within normal speaking range."
Big red flag. It's not WRONG, but it's kinda choppy and can be one hundred times better. Get ready to deprogram your own writing style... it's a hard change. Let's fix it!
First of all, NO MORE ADVERBS. God was that hard for me to do, but it's worth it. I'll explain why in a moment. Also, "WAS" is a very bad word to say when it's not a character's quotation line. How about...
She waited for him; once in proximity she tilted her head. "Is there something I can help you with, kid?" Her soft voice filled the area.

Okay, let's not get ahead of ourselves. I'll talk about weak verbs and tell words and adverbs in just a moment. Let's start with the beginning of a story.

I want to start with THE unwritten opening sentence rule. Remember, if you're trying to be published, your book will be on a rack ten feet from the cash register, in its opening week. IF there's a line at the register, someone will pick up your book and they now spend the next sixty seconds skimming the first page. This is where you SELL the story. First sentence, first paragraph and, if they're a fast reader, first page.

If any of this is bogged down with wordy, boring or research-driven information, it can derail the reader's train of thought. A train-wreck story can lose your fanbase before they even give you a chance... and who knows, this published piece has to have been good enough to get published, but they don't care... you lost a sale, bam. You'd better hope the critics finish it and tell people to buy it, but don't hold your breath. YOU have to sell your own story, on the first sentence, the first paragraph and the first page. I'm only just learning this.

How do I do it? You start with POW... IN YOUR FACE ACTION! and you do it from the first sentence. In REFLECTIONS OF FOX MCCLOUD, in chapter 3, I start the chapter with a gun to the back of Fox McCloud's head. I explain that he's in trouble and is small-talking a lizard to buy himself time, because there's a gun to his head. BAM! Explosive action that grabs you from the first minute. THEN, after the 2nd or 3rd page, i have Fox reflect on what happened, leading up to this point. From that moment, the remainder of the chapter spends the next several pages building in intensity, until you're at the climatic section... back in the heat of action. If I started the story with chapter 3, it would have been awesome, but... that's what prologues are for. You give the reader a slap in the face and a kick in the chest... then in chapter 1, you start introducing who is who and why and how and when and where.

JUST a suggestion to ANY writer. STrong start, relaxed first quarter (to introduce people), a good shocking jolt in the middle, and a building last quarter of the story.
Your story starts with a good bit of action. Harsh words, krystal waking up with a start, hurting herself in the process. it grabs. I don't know if it grabs enough for john doe to pay fifteen dollars for your book, but it grabs enough to be chapter 1. (If published, I'd have said to add a prologue that shows Krystal in the climatic moments of the fight with the anglars with team starwolf, or start with a mission between her and fox, where she nearly dies and when they get back to base, Fox breaks up with her out of worry... something punchy, traumatic and intense. But that's all relative. Wo)

So, because your story DOES start with action, it's NOT broken. Now, let's look at weak verbs, adverbs, and the mistakes most young writers make, including myself... by showing you my mistakes and how i corrected them, I'm teaching every pair of eyes reading this what i've learned.

Okay, let's talk about those insidious, evil, iniquitously, sardonicly spoken, sadistically abused… ADVERBS.

Yes, I know, you seem to love those adverbs ("-ly" descriptor words that compliment and describe verbs. If talk or talking is the verb, your adverb would be 'softly, quietly, quickly, abruptly, etc'... although I am sure you know what an adverb is... but for those that may read this, that wouldn't know... now ya do!)

You want a strong sentence. To do this, ask yourself a question: should I say, "He shivered delightedly" or "he shivered with delight." Or maybe I can get fancy and say, "a delightful shiver raced down his spine". Think about it.

The problem with adverbs is... they distract from the heart of the action. Let me show you two examples, one with adverbs and one without... then I'll let YOU decide.

A) The car slowly veered off the road until it suddenly collided loudly with the guard rail. It quickly flipped over.

B) The car veered off the road. Without further warning, the vehicle slammed through the guard rail, flipping end over end.

which sentence has more power? I'm thinking choice B.

Adverbs are the lazy way out. Using them as short hand so that you can get through the chapter is one thing... reminding yourself that someone has done something "quickly" or said something "sarcastically", so you can go back during the re-write and change them... those adverbs need to be replaced by verbs that tell the whole story all by themselves.
You know, what I mean? By portraying dialogue that actually conveys sarcasm without having to reiterate to the reader (with words like 'said sarcastically'. blah!) Cut the adverbs and your prose will tighten up... metaphors can be fun... more fun than adverbs, anyway. Just a suggestion, you know? I used to use'em all the time... now I'm starting to get rid of them.

However, it's MORE than fine to use adverbs in a quotation.

John tilted his head and said, "Yeah, Ted, the General was talking quickly and sarcastically to us... it gives me a creepy feeling. When we finish up this job shortly, I propose we leave as quickly as possible."

Sure, John Doe's wording is sloppy sounding and whatnot, but if he's nervous, he can say things as tacky as the writer wants him to... but in the narrative, try and lose the adverbs... do it now before you have to completely deprogram yourself from it... boy is it hard... I'm still struggling to do it, accidentally throwing in adverbs and not even realizing it until I do the proofing.

Next, you'll want to remember that over explaining and redundant detailing isn't practical... Drive the point home, be precise then move on to the next detail, a fresh new description about something else. How many times can you say your eyes are a certain color in one sentence? Let's go for ONE TIME. You don't seem to have this problem but many other readers do. Seriously! I'm just mentioning this because it helps anyone who reads what I'm saying... I made a point of this in Digital Dimension's review; I noted that he said Krystal's fuel was low, then she said it outloud to someone, then she thought to herself, "way too low, crap" or something like that. Redundency is actually a writer's way of inadvertantly beating up the reader's intelligence until that reader becomes frustrated and bored.
Telling can be everywhere. Instead of "SUDDENLY, the bomb detonated," we think to change the adverb to "Without further warning, the bomb detonated". Well, you're still telling them the bomb detonated. We need to show them, or it gets redundent. First we write "The bomb detonated." Then, our character screams, because... guess what... the bomb detonated.
So, how do we fix it?

Fox McCloud's ears flickered in anoyance. The floorboards shook and the pilot fell; an uncerimonious yelp of pain emanated from his throat. He reached his paws down to favor where his tail met his spine. The vibrations tapered off after a moment which left Fox to struggle with the sensations of vertigo.

"What happened?" Krystal, knelt on one knee, gripped at the rail bolted into a nearby wall.

Her voice jolted him from his reverie. "I, uh," he trailed off. Fox looked around, sniffing at the air. His eyes lifted to hers. "I think the bomb at the other end of the base must have detonated. We're too late. We've got to pull back before the whole base collapses!"

Krystal's eyes widened but her dilated pupils shrank. She lifted her paw to her parted muzzle drawing a gasp through her furry fingertips.

"What?" Fox stood up. Again, he asked, "What?" His gaze followed Krystal's emerald hues and he lowered his head to where his paw rested over his abs. Fox lifted his paw away from his stomach, spying a crimson veneer. He blinked in confusion. "I don't feel any pain."

See, there is so much you can learn from that group of statements. Going backwards, you learn that Fox must be in shock from an injury that he must have sustained. He's got a confused look, he doesn't feel any pain. How is that possible? Well, the reader will say "oh crap, I bet he's in shock!" But if you blatently say, "Fox looked at his bloody paw in shock but didn't feel any pain yet." You're just telling them, and, invertantly being redundant.

I didn't TELL the reader that a bomb went off. I'm leaving that as part of the mystery. Did it go off? Or did some other force attack the base? Who knows! If you saw this scene on a TV screen, you wouldn't have a shred of evidence, unless the camera actually zoomed up on a bomb as it reaches "ZERO" on the counter. As far as the reader knows, they're engaged in the story and agreeing with the character's assement of "I assume the bomb is blowing up. Oh noes!"

We don't tell the reader that Krystal is gasping because the bomb went off. We mislead our reader into her gasping in reply to Fox's assumptive statement... then, pow! The reader never saw it coming... Krystal is actually gasping at Fox's blood, and she ASSUMES that he's been injured, somehow. You could play mind games, from this point. Wouldn't it be a smack in the face to find out, a little later, that the blood on Fox's body armor belonged to Krystal? How would you set it up? Well that depends on what kind of writer you are. I mean, you could hit REALLY hard and have them lower into the base together, in one another's arms, using a cable under an arwing... and we later learn that the blood on Fox's armor belonged to Krystal, who is having a miscarriage, in the heat of battle. But when she'd pressed against him during the descent by rope, in the last scene, we have no idea she was pregnant, because she didn't even know yet. I mean, can you imagine how traumatizing a scene that would be? ANd here, we thought Fox was injured but just in shock, because he didn't feel any injury pains... Boy... That would be one hell of a suspense drama.

By TELLING your readers, you're really just leaving no room for excitement, and you're telling your reader what's going on then slapping them in the head by making them read where the character informs another character... and the repitition all boils down to "you're telling, showing, and telling some more." When you need to JUST show.

Wow. And how long before Krystal would have found out that it's her blood? WHen they're back at the ship? If the room is a little on the dark side, they would have no idea that she's bleeding for quite some while... but wouldn't she feel the moisture? Not if SHE is the one who is in shock. WOW. intreague! See how you could have so much more control of your story, if you stop "telling" it, all together?

Okay, weak verbs and tell words!
Now THIS is VERY important!

Weak verbs. "was", "had", "are", "were", "is", etc and weak unison wordings like, "as well as" or "as" in general... also, words like "could", "that", "those (if used to describe something)", well... quiet frankly... they clutter things up.

I'll do the "two examples" thing again. Let's look at ole John Doe again; we'll do a description scene using what we've learned so far.

A) "John was walking down the hall. The wind was tousling his short brown hair. His green eyes had caught sight of a mirror and so he stopped before it and had a grin on his face, looking at the mirror slyly. He was egotistical and yet strikingly intelligent, as well as slender and good looking."
All the tell words, the adverbs and even redundency wording (caught sight of the mirror, then i say he looked at the mirror slyly. Yuck)

As much as I hate the "mirror description" trick people use, it's simplistic for getting this point across... So, in this first example, I use "was", past tense, along with "had". I use an adverb (strikingly and slyly), and I use the ever-popular "as well as".

In this statement, the writer is TELLING a the reader about what occured in the story. You're telling a story with your wording... It's not horrible but it's honestly not the way to write a prose anymore. We have evolved as writers and I promise you, the changes I'm suggesting will breathe new life into your manuscript.

Now, let's re-write it without the adverbs or the weak verbs...

"John walked through the hallway. He lifted his hand and sifted his fingers through the wind-tossed bangs of his hair. His gaze met the reflection of thick brown locks which framed his striking jade eyes. He paused, offering a grin back at himself. 'Aren't I rather good looking today,' he thought; his egocentric smile returned in the glassy surface."

Here, we're no longer TELLING the story, we're SHOWING the story.

I removed all adverbs, I removed all words like "was, had, as well as" that TELL the reader to imagine something, instead of SHOWING them what they're imagining.

From reading that "Option B" sentence, we learn that the wind is tossing his hair around when he reaches up to touch it. Instead of telling the reader it's windy, we show them that he's touching hair that's being tossed about BY the wind. It creates a more powerful and engaging visual to the reader. Also, it's easier for them to imagine things in their minds without slowing their reading rhythm.

I used to TELL my readers a story, too. But, as of late, I've been working hard to SHOW them a story, in words. You're doing well to keep that in mind already, especially when you gave this very advice to Digital Dimension.

It's hard to explain sometimes but I want you to see where I'm coming from with this, so that your reader gets into that relaxed flow of a reading rhythm. That way the prose can show them what's going on (as opposed to just telling the reader and making them think, imagine and still process the words in front of their eyes... Ya see, showing their brain PLACES images into their heads ...so you're doing the imagining FOR them in some respect! That makes it easier on the average reader! Less thinking, more reading.)

Finally, I want to talk about "something, something" sentences. It's okay to do it sometimes, but not every other sentences. Now, you're asking yourself, "What's a 'something, something' sentence?" We'll get right into that... the "-ing" words that extend your sentences to increase your word count...
Now, let's look at your sentence structure, right? This is another thing I've been guilty of in the past, with my own manuscripts. And with action scene writers and superfluous detail writers, we tend to lard down things with overheated statements.

Short sentences can sometimes be GOOD. That's right, GOOD. They tell the reader precisely what's happening... they have way more punch than long convoluted exercises in subordinate clauses. Any time you weigh down your action prose with "as" and "-ing" and "while" and "that," you're killing the jarring sense of sudden danger that is at the heart of the action. Think about it for a moment...


"And she flitted those sexy, beautiful, sunswept crimson orbs that flickered like a scarlet fire of garnet reflecting his own chocolate oculars while her family of five, velveteen padded dexterous digits danced deviously over his sculpted chest."

Pardon me while I keel over at this person (Me, 8 years ago, when I was a huge text-based roleplayer) who is trying too hard to just say they have RED eyes. They're looking at someone with amber eyes. Neat. And, if you the reader have not noticed, this woman's eyes are sexy. Oh snap! Okay, now she is using all five fingers to touch his chest. Why make this one long, insane run-on sentence? Why?! WHY DO YOUNG WRITERS DO THIS?! Well, I don't know; I sure as hell hate myself now, though! lol

I'll tell you why… it's because no one tells them any differently. Then they go into a roleplaying room, see someone who does the same damn thing, but uses insane vocabulary, and they think… "wow! That's awesome!" And next thing you know, they write CRAP. (again, I'm beating myself up!) I promise, if you read this post, then re-read it… even the crappiest vocabulary humper will become a better writer.
So... the "-ing" sentences. We use them to make the sentence longer. WHY oh WHY do we do it for almost EVERY sentence in the whole paragraph? ARGH!

We action writers always want to show a scene in which a dude does two things at once... So we write, "Picking up the stick, John turned to Sam," or "As he picked up the stick, John turned to Sam, saying, 'yadda yadda,' to him."
It's not terrible but it IS clunky. And, the truth is, the reader doesn't actually care whether or not these two actions are happening in unison. We've been reading for a long, long time now and we know that just because we read one thing first and the other thing second, doesn't mean they happened separately. It's a convention, so that writing, "John picked up the stick. He turned to Sam and said," isn't going to confuse us.

It comes up a lot in action scenes. We writers almost always wanna create a movie action experience, so our characters slide out of the car seat, while grabbing a gun out of the glove compartment. They shoot off a round, ducking rounds that are coming back at them, and shelter their companions all in the same overloaded, overheated sentence. It doesn't make for fast-paced writing, just confused wording.

Now, let's talk about identification tags for quotations. You seem to like doing this alot. I used to do it, too. Just to show off my vocabulary sometimes. WHy have someone ask something, when I can have them capitulate it? WOW! I'm so cool! "If that's what you think," he capitulated while rolling his eyes and mumbling, "But I think you're wrong."

Holy cow. What a scary sentence! It's not yours, I just made it up to show people that they actually do this, to some degree.

SO, working overtime to find substitutes for "said" is just... a poor writer's trick. I used to do it... It only works if you're doing it for a single spoken word, most of the time.

Like this:

"Dammit," grumbled John.
or maybe: "NO!" she shouted.

See, it's like this… Characters who giggle, snort, chuckle, grimace, muse, mumble or screech their way through a dialogue should be taken out and shot. Dead. Again, the reader just wants to know what the character said, and if you want to add behavior, PLEASE put it in the NEXT sentence. Here's the difference...

"I don't know anything about that murder case," she giggled, smiling nervously. (There are those '-ing' and '-ly' words again! Boo! hiss!)

Or

"I don't know anything about that murder case." She giggled and fingered the golden ringlets of her hair; her nails appeared bitten to the quick. (as opposed to "her nails were bitten..." I used a stronger verb, "appeared", which means that, for a moment, you're in the eyes of the inspector, and you notice that those nails look bitten from nervousness.)

This also bodes well for repeating what the speaker just said.
"John, don't you ever do that again," she scolded.

Well, no kidding, we just heard the character DOING the scolding. So, like, why would you tell the reader what she was doing? If you ask me, the best way to handle this is to cut the word 'scolding' all together. You can replace it with something more... interesting, like... a new sentence of description.

"John, don't you ever do that again!" The old lady stood on the porch, hair in rollers, hands on her hips.
There, much better!

We know it was an old lady that spoke; we don't need "the old lady said as she stood on the porch" or "said the old lady, standing on the porch." If you cut the extraneous little words and go for the straightforward sentences, publishers and editors will be easier to work with, or give you the time of day in general. And serious writers will read your work and take you seriously!

I suppose I got lucky. I began my writing on FanFiction dot Net and people liked it. I just didn't get enough critical advice; everything was either "I LOVE IT!" or "blah, ew"… Then, one day, I started writing stuff on FanStory dot Com and I got ripped to shreds for all the things I did wrong. People who go overboard and write something like... "A subtle rumbling of chaos vibrated beneath the concrete." ...have to find out, sooner or later, that Chaos doesn't rumble! You can have a chaotic rumbling, but a rumbling of chaos isn't going to make any sense.

Actually, I'll be honest: I wrote that last sentence in one of my own stories, about a month ago. Someone pointed out that it's a little trite and superfluous... they weren't that harsh about it, they simply said, "Chaos doesn't rumble. Don't let your poetic side get out of control, bud."

Okay, that's all for now. Thanks again for inviting me to take a moment and give you advice on how to better your story... I hope I hit all the bases...

Hey, don't feel bad... every writer can improve in some way or form... Heck, I sure know that I could use improvement... but that's evolution... if life was an RPG, we'd have to write a lot of fan fiction, pulp, or short stories to get enough experience points JUST to level up from "amateur" to "aspiring writer", lol. Let alone to get up to "New York Times Best Seller" status.

If you've read this all the way through and found it informative... then congratulations!

If you have any MORE questions, hit me up at RockstarTravesty AT aol DOT com ...I won't bite! Unless it's consensual! lmao.

Look, I'm NOT the best writer in the world. But neither are you, any of the reviewers, any of the flamers or anyone else on the entire internet. Nobody is the "BEST" in the world. There's simply no such title. All I'm saying is, if you work to better your writing, you'll be a BETTER writer... So will I, and so will any person who simply tries to work to better their style and technique... and NOBODY can argue with that statement. Every day, you'll be better than yesterday (minus the occasional 'off' days and writer's block moments.)

Always do your best but remember the GOLDEN RULE of writing... You're here to HAVE FUN! That's the most important thing! ENJOY yourself! You're writing for YOU first, your readers second and the nay-saying critics last! IF you're not having fun, there's no reason to keep writing that story, or to write in general. Right? RIGHT! And that's the same advice I give to every writer, young or old, new or practiced. So, good luck deprogramming yourself out of using adverbs, tell words and overloading your paragraphs with "-ing" sentences.

I'll finish by pointing out some of your lines from this chapter.

“…myself?” Bryce offered meekly. (Adverb and Identification tag; you can keep this one, though... i mean he's only asking one word; it's not a complete sentence, so it's not wrong or right, it's up to your style..)
“That too!” Flyod blushed slightly, only momentarily losing his composure. “But mostly because I’m scared as hell what would happen if your father found out I was letting you get off with supplies on I.O.U.’s”
(Okay, you didn't ID tag, very good! But you're having him BLUSH slightly. Remember the adverb thing I did with the car? Either have it slightly, slowly run off the road, grinding gently against the guard rail until it completely gives way, or RAM that sucker into it! Do the latter! Don't slightly blush. A slight blush is still a blush. Just have him blush. If it's a DEEP blush, then describe the intense red hue that illuminates his face. Else have Flyod just blush.
You follow 'slightly' with 'momentarily'. You could have said, "Flyod blushed. He took a deep breath to regain composure then cleared his throat." It would have worked really well, I promise!)

Bryce felt a pair of smaller paws clasp around one of his own and was suddenly jerked up to his feet. Unfortunately he failed to find his balance in the process and got saved a fall by the same pair of paws. “Whoa, kid. You okay?”

(I think you know by now... 'was', 'suddenly', 'unfortunatly' ... you could be precise and punchy by saying: "Bryce felt a pair of small paws clasp his own. He felt his bodyweight shift, drawn to his feet. However, his equalibrium failed; Bryce found himself sinking again. A second dainty paw captured his collar to steady him. His ears flickered, looking up at the person.
"Whoa, kid. You okay?")

(By having the point-of-view on bryce for the entire sentence, putting the reader into Bryce's shoes, it's kind of weird to have the other speaker get a line in that very paragraph. Seperate point of view into a fresh paragraph. You don't even have to ID it, in that instance, if they're the only two people in that scene.)

The snug fit of her purple jumpsuit seemed to compliment said curves nicely. (Nicely? Well if you're mentioning a curvacious figure, every male reader is already subconciously thinking: "nice." No 'nicely' is necessary :D Also, get rid of "Seemed". Did it compliment the curves or did it seem to compliment the curves? Is the car ramming through the guard rail, or is it beginning to ram through the guard rail?)

Behind him the vixen gave out a cry of triumph as she produced a folded piece of paper rubber banded to a yellow plastic card. She handed the card to Flyod before working exasperatingly to get the paper unwrinkled. (here, we have "as", we have "before working exasperatingly" which makes us think of a "when does it happen" image timeline. How about trying this:

"The vixen exclaimed in a triumphant manner. Flyod whirled around to face her; he watched her paws produce a folded piece of crinkled paper. Rubber-banded to a plastic yellow card, she seperated the two items, passing the yellow object to Flyod. He tilted his head with mild interest and watched her exasperated paws fumble to smooth the paper." Bam, word count, smoother statement :D)

She was suddenly cut off by a loud spraying sound from behind. Kursed and Flyod turned with wide eyes in its direction, though neither seemed surprised to see Bryce gagging on the soda he had been drinking. Most of the drink now dripped off several rows of nearby shelves and glistened on some ship parts being displayed. ("was" and "Suddenly")

Flyod chuckled lightly. “Well raw materials are another story. There’s definitely enough there for a decent recycling price. However, we won’t know that until we take it apart.” ('Lightly' is unnecessary... 'definitely' is more than fine.)
Kursed looked up hopefully from between her paw fingers. “Is there anything you can give me for now?” (It would be smoother to say, "Kursed peered through her fingers, a glimmer of hope in her eyes" Then, if you want to up your word count, mention that her words are muffled against her velveteen padded palm, since she's obviously got her paws on her face.)

“What’s the matter?” repeated an overly large bear as he slammed his right first into his opposing palm. “I wouldn’t say there’s a problem yet, squirt. But there could be!” (Overly large? Just find a descriptive word, because LARGE isn't a verb, so OVERLY shouldn't be its adverb. The verb is repeated. What you need is a word that's 'larger' than large. ... how about: "What's the matter?" The behemoth bear repeated his question. The clap of his right fist into his opposing palm accentuated his expression of exasperation.')

“You okay, kid?” She asked while pulling Bryce back onto his shaking feet. (Remember a lower-case "S", but I think this is a typo, not a mistake. Tell words: "While pulling")
“Well…not necessarily,” Bryce confessed sheepishly. (Clunky. How about: "Well," Bryce trailed off with an apprehensive smile. He paused, then finished the sheepish confession. "Not necessarily.")
You don't have to use my changes. Just get a feel for what I'm doing, and find your typing chi. LOL that sounded hokey. Just the same, I edit other people's word using my advice FAR BETTER than I can do with my own writing. They say teaching what you know is the best way to have a better intimate understanding OF that knowledge. So I'm teaching you and anyone else I can, to help myself, as well as anyone reading this. My suggestion: Re-read this again tomorrow, then pass this information on! :D
Again, thanks for the invitation to review!
Remember, you're doing a GREAT job. This is just an in depth, overly critical lesson on how to tighten up the small mistakes, and WHY it's so important. WEE!

Again, excellent job! I hope my 'lesson' has helped to give you a better understanding of what makes your work "EVEN BETTER" for the reader.

-Kit

i had an idea to write this but you beat me to it. youll probebly make it better than i could. there are a few spelling errors i think. other then that 10/10.please make next chapter soon.

Whoa.
Just whoa.
This is probably one of the best-written stories I've ever read on here. I love the way you expanded on the ending (I guess it's non-canon, but who cares?), and your writing style is near-flawless. There's a few minor complaints I could give you, but you should be proud of your work. Keep it up. Give me some more.

Score: 9/10
Overall: My man, you've got it.

WOOT! I like this. Keep writng please. There aren't enough good fics going around right now.

Wow, pretty good Caitsith29.
That penitent tangent guy sure knows allot about, space and the light-year thing and the galaxy stuff-ugh, whatever.
Maybe you should take his idea to heart.

This has just the perfect ammount of humor for a first chapter. I find it to be nicely done and off to an awesome start. Keep it goin'!

Hello, I’m 2401 Penitent tangent.
The story well formed; in accordance with the productive rules of the English language. The character dialog is well balanced with what the character is feeling. The unfolding events of the story are truly from the essence of a professional writer.

However, you failed comprehend of the vast scale of the universe. First of all... lets look on what a galaxy is...

A galaxy is a MASSIVE gravitationally bound system of stars, interstellar gas and dust, and dark matter.

Typical galaxies contain ten million to one trillion stars, all orbiting a common center of gravity. In addition to single stars and a tenuous interstellar medium, most galaxies contain a large number of multiple star systems and star clusters as well as various types of nebulae.

Most galaxies are several thousand to several hundred thousand light-years in diameter and are usually separated from one another by distances on the order of Millions of light-years.

My point is… It would be very illogical to travel millions of light years to reach another galaxy,(just to get away from the Lylat system) while there are billions even trillions of star systems already in the galaxy Krystal was already in.

Kew is a nonfiction place in the London Borough of Richmond upon Thames in South West London... Right on the planet of the supremacy of mankind. “Muahaha!”

Your story is still… very good. Although… I think it will be more interesting if humans decide to go on a killing spree… On furries XD

HAHAHAHAHA, I’M A GENIUS! :D