Not bad, you made a few mistakes in your tenses other than that it was pretty good. :}

First off, this is a very original idea and it's written very well, which makes it an amazing story. I haven't really thought of Rukia's experience with Kaien and Ichigo's with his mother as similiar, but after reading this, I do.

My favorite part was the lines at the end of their encounter that has to do with protecting. I think it's almost exactly what they were thinking at the time.

Again, amazing story. Definitely adding to my faves.

*Nods appreciatively, grins* I liked it a lot. Excelletn showing of the paralells between them! And you tied them together so beautifully. ^^

What can I say: you create lovely narratives of events that seem so straightforward and simple, adding layers that in a series' hindsight, really should be there. Depressing but with a dash of hope - excellent.

Hmm, you had uploading spree?

Brillant. A lovely parrallel.

Wonderful! I love it! It was perfect except for one tiny thing.

"The bold, strong-headed Karin, with blood on her face and erratic gasps on her lips and worries for him. And Yuzu; small, brave Yuzu, murmuring, on the hard, asphalt road, in between consciousness to warn him away, to protect him from the monster."

You mixed up the sisters. Yuzu was by the door and Karin was outside. Other than that, flawless! I'm definitely adding this to my favourites.

Wonderful imagery and metaphors! I also loved how you used space to make such a foreboding tone. Whatever the contest was, I hope you'll win!