Oh dear...this was indeed painful to read.

Are you trying to alienate readers around the world by adding in jargon that most native english speakers are oblivious to? If you're going to ad elements of your native land couldn't you have done this on a fanfiction site that caters to Singapore?Yes, I took the liberty to visit your profile on your LJ out of curiousity - all I found was a location and plenty of rubbish.

I showed this to a couple friends and well...let's just say that my comments are "candy" compared to the crudeness that came out of their orifaces.

And how do you explain the ridiculous name changes? You are trying so very hard to be original and prove that you are not an empty vessel but all you've managed to accomplish was turn readers away. It explains why you only have 7 reviewers...make that 8 since I just added my two cents (woohoo).

I'd say good luck but I think you'll need more than that. Perhaps invest in an english dictionary and a reality check.


--Lone Wolf

To V: Sommerhoffnung is a literal translation of Natsuki (natsu 夏 "summer" + ki 希 "hope"), although Natsuki Kuga's name is written in hiragana and thus has no presumed meaning. I actually like the premise and the names, but I agree that its readability could be improved.

Still, this is much, much better than all the ShizNat drivel which the Mai-HiME section, strangely, seems to consist almost entirely of, to my great shame.

Straight to the point.
There's no point posting fiction in English where it's purely singlish. (Or maybe i would say sixty percent) You should find something like singfic dot net or something.

And to be very honest. I didn't even read past the 100th word this time. I was hoping there would be improvement in some way...

Do you realize that people from all over the world read and contribute here? Most readers don't know singlish or dialects that you've used. The crude language that appeared here makes me feel ashamed of being Singaporean. You may not agree, you may say that you have the right to write what you want. But in truth. This is a disgrace to the Hime series.

I'll be harsh here.

I know you said that flames aren't tolerated, but honestly, why don't you just create all your own characters instead of mauling the Mai Hime characters and trying to pass it off as some extremely AU fic.

Plus, I just hate the names(somerwhatthenung, wtf?) and kan-za-ji(wtf? a skewed version of chop it down?), they sound and read bad.

It's really looking like you're trying to pass off this fanfic as some kind of extremely sophisticated and deep story, but, it doesn't work.

Ps. I laughed/cringed my ** off at the 'lanjiao' line when I skimmed through. I'm not sure if the setting you've created is in Singapore or Hong Kong or some Asian country..but again, WTF?

Sorry, but this is not my type of fic.

Wow. Now that's what I call "adaptation distillation". It was a bit hard to delve into at first, but easier so after I figured out the

You handled a number of aspects better than Sunrise - for instance, the conversation between Sommerhoffnung (Mai... yes, I know, she's actually Natsuki's counterpart) and Kan-za-ji (Yuuichi). There's a certain feeling I get when the dialogue is "real-wordly/plausible/flowing" (as opposed to "forced/artificial/convoluted"), when they say exactly what real people thrust into these unfortunate circumstances would probably say.

Your vocabulary is so much more advanced than mine that it makes me cry.

Also... a role reversal of Mai and Natsuki? Sounds very interesting - I'd like to see where this leads. It has already brought some consequences, for me at least, given my interpretation of the characters. That is, Mai was never given much character in the original - my impression of her was a partially genre-savvy audience surrogate (and now compare how Otome ruined her forever!) - but there was one defining point of her characterization for me: the scene in episode 1 where she looks in horror as Yuuichi's part of the ship starts drifting away and then climbs the stairs fiercely, saying "I am... not... going to... die!" That is very Mai. Sommerhoffnung does, indeed, act in a more Natsuki-like manner during this particular scene.

I assume the "Otome character who doesn't appear on screen much but nevertheless plays a significant part in the story" is Lena Sayers?

There's one thing I couldn't understand from the context. HiME is set in "our" world - and maintains plausible deniability as much as it can. Otome is set in the far future. What about this story? It seems that it uses fictional countries and languages (like Kinglish) on an alternate Earth in a setting inspired by Chinese culture - is this correct?

And finally, some constructive criticism. :)

First, formatting. Some of it I got covered before - the separators, for example. It may be an artistic choice, but it's really hard to read with separators like these. FFN supports bold and italic fonts, centering (which can be used for titles and separators), horizontal rules and line-breaks. Next time, you can preview the document and make corrections in the browser itself before publishing, even if FFN's uploader mangles the original formatting (it does that constantly).

Second, while "Quake I symbol" is funny, it's not necessary to call it that - just establish somewhere in the exposition that the KOUTASHI symbol looks like that, and then refer to it as the KOUTASHI symbol from now on. It's better for suspension of disbelief. :)

Third, hair colors. Of course, it's probably just me... but I just regard the convention as a convention, and maintain that if those weird anime hair colors don't exist, they don't exist period. So, for example, in the Doctor Who story, I took the liberty in "retconning" Natsuki and Nina's hair colors because I can't accept that they LITERALLY have blue hair. Of course, one can assume that the convention in this story is just a convention as well, so we can recognize the characters, and they don't literally have these hair colors. Which I will. :) Even if the Word of Author(tm) tells me otherwise.

And fourth, I'll probably mention this objection in a "My MEGAMI" review, but it's not necessary to decipher these wacky acronyms. "HiME" was a borderline case, but it was within the degrees of plausible. Even "乙HiME" was already pushing the borders of "no-way-they-could-have-adopted-something-like-that-ness", and the proposed meaning of "KOUTASHI" was outright silly. There's no need to decipher them, really - we don't know what SEELE, NERV and GEHIRN stand for in Evangelion (except for the meaning of the original German words), but that doesn't in any way damage the story. Some things are better left unexplained - or just ignored.

Having said all that, I'm looking forward to Chapter 4. You seem to be taking a "serious" approach, and as a rabid fanservice hater, I'm eager to see what you'll do with the fanservice-ridden fourth episode.

Well, I find the names a bit confusing, but paying attention it's quite easy to pick up the identity of the characters. For sure, this fanfiction is interesting for both the story and the unique game one could play in recognizing all the references and cameos. :-)

Why don't you replace "ThisisjustasectionsplitterPleaseignoreit" with an actual section splitter, like a horizontal rule? :)

Wow...well, definitely interesting. Though the names are a little confusing, along with the character discriptions [who are they?], it's funny picturing Mai as the biker girl, but still, nicely done. Though question, what is an alto clef entwined with a Quake I symbol? Is it that lightning bolt shaped "S" that Natsuki wears in Otome?