"Suddenly, you hear a cracking noise. Shooting your head up, your heart begins to pound as you see a huge stack of construction materials (construction materials being a few hundred pounds of metal bars piled on top of one another) slowly swaying…"

Your explanation of "construction materials" sounds like it might be a note left for your beta. Overall, this is a very mediocre story; you tell a lot of the time, rather than show, and you aren't subtle at all. Your plotline, dialog, etc. are very clichéd -- e.g. the pretentious "You'll love her forever, no matter what... even if her heart isn't beating," and "You thought [Naminé] was a lovely, unique name, and that it fit her perfectly." Yeah, because Sora is such a normal name. That line falls flat in a fandom where everybody is named something eccentric. Another big problem is the characters are recognisable only by their name. Sora and Naminé could have been Harry and Sally, for all the similarities they had to their original selves.

Do something about the author's note at the beginning. We really don't care what the prompt was or what pop song's lyrics are interspersed throughout the story. The inserted lyric, by the way, comes off as awkward, unrealistic, and over the top.

Your style alternates between too simple, like you were trying to pull off something like Hemingway but just fell flat on your **, and overly descriptive. Purple prose, no matter how good you think it sounds at the time, only takes away from the story (e.g. "Her voice glides into the quiet atmosphere like a dolphin skimming through ocean waves," which is followed by the messy, inarticulate "Your quickly beating heart does this weird somersault kind of thing"). You also sometimes slip into the passive voice, which needs to fixed. Your grammar is another thing that needs work; the most obvious example is your most common one: '“…I’m just kind of afraid of what he’ll do if he bothered to come follow me here,” She finishes...' The "s" in "she" should be lowercase.

A lot of the time, your writing comes off as very juvenile. The phrase "you hear her mumble a cuss word", which is repeated later ("you mumble a curse word"), sounds out of place in a story with this subject matter, and your badly-timed comedic moments come off as forced or just plain weird. The two examples I can think off of the top of my head are is the pointless complaint about parallel parking, and when Sora slams the door in Roxas' face (something that Sora would never do, besides).

Finally, second person is very hard to tackle, and your story fell far short of the mark. Also, please start using italics over bold print. It's a little easier on the eyes.

wow this was tear-jerkingly awesome!

like seriously, even though i knew it wouldn't be the typical cliché ending, i loved it all the same. it's so sad but it's more realistic than most other stories where everyone lives 'happily ever after'

it was written beautifully; it took my breath away.

i'm gonna read more of your stuff soon! xD

Oh god that was heartbreaking.
I've read almost every Somine fanfic on this website and I'd never come across this one until now ...im so glad i did.

Your writing style is so descriptive and creative and i could almost feel every emotion Sora was ...you made him sound like such a cutie :)

So glad you wrote this! Thumbs up Princess Kairi :D Really loved it.

OH!

Oh woah...

So pretty! I enjoyed this. It's interesting, and wonderfully sad.

I can't believe this. I don't even like the sound of Sora loves Namine and somehow I am now the most depressed person in the world. I don't know how you do this. I'm serious. Why do the police always arrive late?

:K Axel must die.


Ha.


/cough/ Anyway, awesome fic. ^_^ I love how everything was so happy in the begining, then you just suddenly /crush/ that happiness with Axel's appearence~

Guh.

Axel was such a perfect choice; I can't even tell you. (Though I'm not mad for the thought of Axel x Naminé.)

That was amazing. So sad... I guessed at the end, and I almost didn't want to keep reading because of it.

I liked it! Especially when Sora says "SHUT UP." Good times, good times.

I definately cried when I read this, and that says a lot cause it's hard for me to cry. When Naminé said "Happy New Year, Sora." and then she dies- THAT BROKE MY HEART! It was an AMAZING story that went PERFECTLY with P!ATD's song lyrics. Bravo!

that has to be one of your best pieces of work yet ^_^ 2nd person is hard to get used to but i'm okay with it now.

but...T.T NAMINE WAH! (weeps in corner) curse that evil evil real pure evil Axel o.o he was really creepy too, ;.; damn you wrote this so well.

Namine: wow...i didn't see me getting killed

(party poppers go off)

Sora/Roxas: (leap out of nowwhere) WELCOME TO THE CLUB

Namine XD YAY!

Roxas: for joining you a free board to mark how many deaths you have in fics

Sora: AND A FREE T-SHIRT!

Roxas: ^^ with my trademark "it's just your hormones" saying written on it ^_^

Sora: -.-

Namine: ^^'

(waves arms about) you're an awesome writer sis, YOU RULE WOO (throws you a mountian of cookies)

omg u deserve like an award this was beyond greatness.
this was just too good for words...
i loved it with all my heart.

That was interesting.

Axel was WHOOSHFUL.
But Sora was even more
WHOOSHFUL. Haha.

It was rad, yo.
:D

My fellow author,
This is indeed sad. I wasn't as impressed with it as some of your other stories, say, Sk8r boi? That's a good one and you should continue. It was alright for a tradgety, but I wasn't moved. Sorry if that appears harsh. For it is not meant to be, mind you.
Your fellow author,
CrimsonCrome

homg you have done it again o_o

this is amazing, as usual. i really
love your style.

faves. right now.

its romantic, sad, & suspensful.
i'm glad i finally got around to reading it.

three cheers for kailey!

[ love ]