   Clorinda
2007-03-17 . chapter 7When you said you'd overestimated your ability to be mysterious, I didn't believe you, and thought it was a cute way of putting things. Then, I decided to follow it up and read the story in question. Regardless of the correctness of the aforementioned comment, I distinctly liked this story, for more reasons than one.
The flow of the writing was a little jerky at first. Unnecessary speech tags, words that could have been positioned better, and that kind of stuff, but it definitely smoothed itself out.
But the story certainly starts off on an interesting note, because I haven't exactly seen many stories about Kenshin after the Battle of Toba and Fushimi; it's interesting to see how the Shinsengumi weren't the only ones cut up about it. The idea of setting it in a post town, was novel, as well; I've come to like that about your stories.
The attention to the details, which made the town more alive, was brilliant. The cooper, Tanaka Otsune's devotion to her children, the fishing lines. I like that you've gone out of your way to make each character three-dimensional. It was little hard to keep track of all those old men, but they added a nice layer to the story.
It starts out so sweetly— the excited brother-and-sister and their father (ooh, a reference to Saito!) — it paints a innocent, homey picture against the backdrop of a post town. I like how the story progressed; the pace was just in sync.s with the backdrop. The old men were a nice touch, and Mrs. Minoburi's dryness was delightful— like the Gryphon in Wonderland. (I guess Kenshin was too preoccupied to be Alice...)
I certainly liked that twist about Tanaka: that he was a hero mostly because he was in the war.
The part where Kenshin comes upon those old men, fishing, and realizes that *that* was the peace he'd strived to give, well, that was certainly, extremely poignant.
[Back during the war, people hadn’t been eager to chat with the hitokiri battousai.]
That was one hard-hitting line. Loved it.
The fight scenes — both of them — were brilliant. In the one in the third chapter, everything flowed fast and like liquid, extremely easy to visualize and would have been extremely entertaining to watch. Reading it was better than the-next-best-thing.
The one in the sixth chapter wasn't just as liquid, but I don't suppose it was meant to happen as fast as its predecessor, but nonetheless and either way, you had Kenshin in action down to pat. It was really, really *good*.
Tanaka Hiroshi's death was sudden, and the wake stirred real pity. I liked how you played out the shock and the stun, especially the cooper. The children's reactions were wrenching, and I couldn't help thinking that neither Miho nor Mikio had any *real* attachment to their father. I mean, they mourned for him because he had loved them, and they were supposed to cry for their father, but Miho (by her own confession) barely knew him, and Mikio seemed to have a mostly materialistic relationship with the man— “Who will teach me to be a samurai now?”; then, “The dojo in the next town over closed down since the war started." — even despite the *manner* in which he said it. But that's a personal take, entirely.
That was pretty intelligent of Kenshin (not that he's particularly dim!!) when he thinks that his mysterious bathhouse-ninja deliberately set up the cry for him to stay, so that he could have another pot-shot at Kenshin.
[He’d been lucky to get it, and was unsure even now if the swordsmith who gave it to him intended it as a gift or an insult.]
Wow, brilliant observation!
I absolutely loved how you played out Hiroshi's character. I mean, despite the elegies and the praises, Kenshin could firmly see Tanaka as what he was, and that was such a subtle contrast to what everyone believed, the only way to describe it is: wham! Whatta shocker.
Hideki's vehemence was quite justified. 'Til then, I pitied the wife.
Fukashi's feelings for his sister-in-law, so evident from the start, was touching. When one knows what Hiroshi was like, his brusque, handicapped brother is bodily pitched into such heart-rendering light. It was a nice, cute reference to Tomoe, too.
Definitely Fukashi is the more impressive of the two brothers, and I *loved* his characterisation: his pride — which makes him hide his right hand — and his determination despite that — the way he practices with a sword in the bushes.
It was a little twang in the heart, when Kenshin goes out of his way to protect Hiroshi's truth. (For a moment — by the way the bandits were talking — I thought he wasn't dead at all.)
When contrasted to the hominess of the setting and the sleepy post town, the skeletons were a delicious shock.
[If there was to be a fight, the last thing he needed was dirt falling into his eyes.]
Distinctly intelligent of Kenshin, but rib-tickling nonetheless.
[Miho would be alright, since her mother seemed to have shielded her from her father’s evil, as well as his devastating charm.]
The last two words hit like a hyper-active champagne cork returning to the earth, attached to a meteor. It was *intelligent*.
The final outcome of it all was well, interesting. Not disappointing in the least, since this wasn't a whodunnit, to start with. I think my respect for Fukashi is strengthened even more, and with it, my respect for your writing skill. It was brilliant, the way you incorporated what the old men had been saying about young people being enticed by the glamour of the "big city" into the wide scale of things, and bringing it all into frightening effect.
The bathhouse intrigue was certainly interesting. I had a completely different idea, and the truth of the mysterious ninja guy, was wow-worthy.
Definitely the cooper's behaviour has been explained spectacularly, and I really liked that guy, too.
One certainly must feel bad for Otsune, but it *is* unfair how women get picked on so much. (I feel like shoving my knuckles into spiked gauntlets and letting 'em have it.)
The entire outcome of it all was inevitable, but that didn't stop it from being extremely good. I like how you end on a certainly ambiguous note— it doesn't say if ninja-man turns himself in, after all, or not, or if the good Mrs. Minoburi (who reminds me of Jane Marple) accepts the story of Tanaka Hiroshi being butchered by bandits after all or not.
The only thing that I found spectacularly disappointing about the story was the fact that Fukashi was a master swordsman in the making, ("was" of course, being the operative word.) As mentioned before, I liked the idea of him practicing with a sword in secret, but the fact that he was a brilliant swordsman to boot, rather made him larger than life.
Overall, it wasn't exactly a mystery, and it was a pretty multi-faceted story, with a simple setting and a good plot. It was very well-written, extremely well-researched (like every single one your stories. Barely anything's an anachronism or out-of-place— kudos!), and with enviably good action. I really, *really* liked this a lot. I know I said "Pursuit" was one of your best fics, but this one just climbed a notch higher.
Okay, so the title could have been better, but the story certainly made up for it. |
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