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| Darkwinter999 2007-12-21 ch 1,  | abuseThe speaking and thinking lines are way OOC. Terry talks like a regular person, not a scholar analyzing everything in a detatched manner. You might try just reading the dialog seperate from everything else. Out loud. It'll sound wierd, his sentences should be short and his words simple and common. He isn't given to using obsure words/phrases/phrasing often. Also, most of the monolog would be better served as narrative. It would cut down on the word count severely, which is a good thing since you kept repeating info to get new necessary info introduced. As narration, you could come out and say the important stuff, then his thoughts are based on assumed info; like normal people. The sentence grammer needs a little work to, missing punctuation, sentences that seem to run away from you. Try reading it out loud before you post. Also, your meaning is lost sometimes, it can only be found by studying the context of subsequent sentences. If you want, I could beta for you. You have a great idea, what you say isn't boring; it's how long you take to say it. I have high standards and a meticulous eye, I really think I could help you. |
| kobez2.0 2007-09-26 ch 2, | abuseI'm not too versed in the comics,but I really like how this is going.I look forward to your next update. |
| Peechman887 2007-02-19 ch 1, | abusevery interesting beginning. I like the twist of bruce in arkham, endless writing possibilities there. At first the use of very proper english is stark but it adds character to your writing style. I think if you space out the inner thoughts with some different transitions it might make your story longer and offer some room to breathe. please continue |
| Bumpkin 2007-01-18 ch 2, | abusewow, just read both chappies and whoa - that is some alternates that you have built up - looking forward to seeing where you go with this. keep penning, Marns ~pobody's Nerfect |
| Knottaclue 2007-01-13 ch 2, | abuseWhew! That's a lot of information to take in. Important to know, yet it really bogged down the flow of the story. I DO like how calmly you have Terry accessing his new predicament. That shows a measure of his experience. And introducing Dick into the mix right away fits nicely into the picture you're painting. And of course there's the big questions that need answering now--where in time is Terry and why is Bruce in Arkham?! Can't wait to see how this unfolds! |
| Knottaclue 2007-01-08 ch 1, | abuseWonderful start! I love how you're tweaking canon to your liking. Might as well have fun while writing, eh? Two complaints though. One, your english is too proper. Try using more contractions, especially with dialogue. Two, this is too short! I want more NOW. :D Thanks for sharing and I happily look forward to the next chapter. |