Oh, please tell me you didn't...

-To tell you the truth, Engoth was one of the few people I found enjoyable. He was into playacting to build suspense for his own ego, and I liked for that...until you gave him the Tri-Force. I would've bought that Engoth was Link under a different name if you HADN'T HAD LINK WORKING BESIDE THE GUY. (I demand an explanation!)

-And so Xila plunges farther into the pit of sue-dom. Guuh...it's just...yuck. Man, I hope you guys have gotten better at creating and mantaining characters (and I'm certain you have).

-But just so you know, this story does have something compelling about it. I'm not sure what it is, but...

If you update, I shall read, and you shall be horridly offended and I shall lulz. So update!

Haha! Another review is a coming...


-Okay, remember what I said about you guys sucking at RPing? It stands. You said that Artie was unable to use a spear. Chances are, if he's used to fighting in animal form, he ain't going to think twice about a spear, let alone regret that he can't use it. (And besides, he could pick it up in his fangs...)

-Xila seems to be setting off my sue-alarms with much noise. An apprentice?!? Guuh...my head hurts. And she doesn't even ACT like a former apprentice, she act's like a scared little girl.

-Though I suppose I would've been scared if I went against the Lurker...but I wasn't, since I had NO IDEA what the Lurker looks like. Actually, all description is kept below the minimum nessesary, so a lot of the time, I have no idea what's going on.


I apologize if I seem really critical, and not in the funny way. But...ah, whatever. Sorry. I'll get onto the next chapter, now...

Hmhm...

-Well, I would like to say that I now have a vendetta against Artie, if for no other reason than that he's a sue that seems to be based off of Naruto. (At least he's not SASUKE...)Xila fills the Sasuke hole. She's quite similar...and I don't like Sasuke in canon, so I don't like her. Engoth seems to be the only one with personality thus far, and it's one I like.

-As it turns out, you people suck at RPing! (j/k, j/k)

-Okay, in all seriousness, I think a better direction to go with the RP is to actually have them fall for the poisoned pie...but not die. Maybe come close and MAYBE get captured, but...

Well, here we go again...


-You guys are rediculously lucky I wasn't RPing with you in this. I would've ripped apart every sentance you guys spoke, because, in your attempt to show bravado, you end up sounding like the corniest people I've ever read about! EVER!

-Tutendorf? I thought it was Ganondorf...or are we talking about someone else...

-Well, the description of the characters feels muddled and contrived. A more natural way would be to start in someone's point of view and have them meet all of the characters. I would imagine that's hard, though, since this is based off an RP.

Ah, well...some of these are quick fixes, others...not so much.

Haha! Here's the next fic.

-Well, since this thing is based on a RP, I'm actually a little suprised at it's quality. Description is very good here...

But then, there isn't a whole lot going on here...no characters really doing anything.

And why does the Kingdom of Hyrule want to kill Ganondorf? I mean, them being arch-enemies is all well and good, but XALON is the reason for the winter, so their actions, as you portray them, don't make any sense.

Meh, who cares? I'm on to the next chapter.

did you say the first 2 chapters were changed? I can't really remember the old ones, but these seem good too.
Ha! I win the bet with Bob D. Johnson. Now it's your turn to read my story! Kidding, you don't have to... now. But if you get a chance, could you?

I like it so far but one thing I do have to question about the plot is the fact that why would a Gerudo who are accustamed to hot envoirments make a tower of ice?

Good, very descriptive. I like that. I saw only a few spelling errors also. I hope you continue it. I myself am stuck in a rut in one of my stories, and I hope to get out of it.

On Chapter 4:

-People shout a lot in this story. I know there are extraordinary circumstances and all that, but Jesus people, inside voices.

-This chapter solidifies quite a bit. It clears up the Tutendorf/Xalon distinction, adding a nice wrinkle to the proceedings. Also, the main plotline seems to coalesce better.

-Then again, I was confused at one major juncture - the Triforce resonation scene. So, are Mokhaal, Engoth, and Xila all carriers of the Golden Power? Does this symbolize their innately heroic nature or some such thing? Engoth seems to know exactly what's going on, and I'm in the dark. Not necessarily a bad thing - you can withold knowledge from readers all you like. Still, I wanted more of an explanation.

-You spend a good amount of time telling us the morphology of demons, then tell us that "No one was looking for one, so it saw the whole scene" (pardon my butchered quote). Then Artie sees it immediately (literally the next line) and you scuttle the chance for a decently suspenseful scene involving the demon's point of view as it looks in on the group.
I'd draw that out a bit.

-I really hope that you plan to flesh out Xalon a bit. At this point, he comes off as a "Dark Lord A" kind of archetype and not much more. Even a hint at his appearance - perhaps a pair of luminous blue eyes amidst a crouched silhouette, breath fogging in great gray waves - would help set up his menace here. Instead, we get a description of his voice (described as "cold" twice - once is good enough) and . . . that's it. Not necessarily a flaw, but I'm in the market for MOAR. I look forward to seeing what you do with him.

Overall: Better focused and better paced. The beginning of the chapter is better than the latter part, which feels a bit rushed. I continue to cringe a bit at some of the dialogue, which runs pellmell into Hyperbole Land, but I suspect that again rises from the RP source. Good luck on the next chapter.

Good chapter there mate!

Still going good so far. ^-^

With every chapter, this story gets better and better! LOVE IT!!

Violent. Me likey.

I told ya everything I thought about the story at the forum, but I missed something. I'm glad my OCO has been the one with the major violence issues! Weird, I know. Anyway, I still think it comes second to the RP, but thats just me. I'll always like the fact that I can portray my OC better then you, and that it happens in the RP. After all, it is MY OC. Anyway, great so far, can't wait for the next chappie, blah blah blah, you know the rest. ^-^

lol, ur forgeting ?