Aww! The twins are so cute! Kendra is a nice name, but where the heck did you get Nicodemus? It's a nice name, maybe he can be called Nic at school...Great job and I wish there was a sequel to this!

Wow, all week it took me to read this, and I LOVE IT! So cute! Willy and Orianna sitting in a tree, KISSING! Ha, I think Haywood would be a great ally, he already is helping them. GO TWINS! I love that their families are practically the same, and they are the same too! And people say oppasite's attract. His real side is like Orianna's personality, his kid like personality is so funny! Watch out for the elevator Will-SMACK- OW! O that must hurt. I can already see the bruise. (Wanna read one about Willy having twin cousins? READ MINE!)

OMG! This has been such an enjoyable read. I can't wait to find out what is going to happen next. Please post more soon.

Awesomeness.

You take what time you need sweetheart :)

We'll be here.

AW

How cute!

Awesome chapters :)

cool story and i love that quote from the labyrinth gosh its been a long time since i seen that movie

very cool story.

Wow I absolutely love this story! You've been doing this for a year now? I've gotta catch up. Dodge the flames that are being thrown at you because this story is absolutely awesome!

Ep!

Btw, did you realize you called Orianna brandi throughout?

Cute with just enough bang with Moira...

Loving it as always.

There are some good bits in the story. I would have to suggest that you watch some of your spelling issues. You are using words that although spelled correctly have the wrong usage. For example, you have the word 'your' for 'you're'. If you are saying 'your' as though a sign of possession instead of you are, then your usage is incorrect. The contraction to you are is you're and not your.

Otherwise although there are some good bits here, there are parts of the story that drag a little for me. It doesn't mean that they are bad, it just means that they drag slightly, and there are other bits that are repeated, like the elevator scenes, as well as the kissing getting interrupted. The Christmas surprise was good, but somewhat choppy for me.

Sorry I haven't reviewed sooner, but I'm reading through this as well as other stories and trying to keep up with writing my own.

I am enjoying your work, but I would really suggest that you read through the chapters aloud and catch these words that are used out of context. They are there, but harder to find because the spellchecker doesn't always nab them. They are best left to the human eye.

Yva J.

I thought the scenes in the elvator was rather cute, and the argument about the kiss was charming. Thanks for the clarification about Oriana not being personified by you.

Not much else to say that I have already commented on. I am trying to read parts of this story before going to bed, so when I wake up in the mornings, I generally have a mind of fluff. But, this story idea is picking up and I'm glad that you weren't upset or offended by my blunt remarks in the other review.

I liked the conflict about whether or not she even liked Willy at the end of this chapter, it really gave some nice 'conflict' that will be interesting later on.

After reading through your other story and liking it, I thought I would give this story a go. In doing this, I am seeing a trend in your writing that I used to see in mine; that is writing only about certain individuals (young women or potential love interests for Willy Wonka in this case). I had to concentrate rather hard to move myself away from writing only about certain character types or situations. Sometimes, I would cease writing in a universe entirely to avoid doing this. This is not what I am suggesting for you, but it is ultimately what I did.

It is not necessarily a bad thing, but it is something that can quickly get you 'type cast' among writers. If you write only romance stories, and OC's that are young females who at first hate Willy and then fall in love with him, then it becomes a sort of 'type cast' CatCF story. It's similar to actors being given the same sort of role over and over again. It has the potential of getting boring for the reader, as well as for the writer.

I am sorry to say that I literally had to muddle my way through the first chapter of this story. Although the ideas were concise and compact structurally, I was struggling to make sense of what you were trying to convey. It wasn't that I think there was anything wrong or bad about story or your ideas, but there were bits that were left unanswered for me.

Why was Willy so intent about wanting her to come? Why did he contact her in this particular fashion? What were his motivations? What is her background? You have presented a very good idea for her presence in the factory, but you haven't really expounded on the motivation of it. As I went into chapter 2, I was left feeling rather confused. One of the factors that should have simplified things, didn't. The letter from Willy Wonka, instead of giving me a very solid and finite rationale for her being invited, only confused me and gave rise to all these questions. Just the opening of said letter left me completely at odds with the situation presented.

The other thing was the television news story that conveys the presence of the Oompa Loompas at the factory. Based on all the three universes of CatCF (two movies and book, all of which I have seen / read), their presence is supposed to be a secret. It seems very out of character for Willy to go out to the media with this particular information. Perhaps it persuaded Oriana to come to the factory, but it left me wondering why it was Willy had let it be known that the Oompa Loompas were present in the first place.

On a similar note, in relation to the Oompa Loompas, you don't need the apostrophe on Loompas, that signifies possession. That is; it is OK to write: 'The Oompa Loompa's forest'. When you write about the people collectively, you don't need to have the apostrophe, you just write Oompa Loompas.

I think that more character development in Oriana would have helped immensely as opposed to just jumping into the story and assuming that the readers know every aspect of what you are getting at. Although things do start to turn around in chapter two, the first chapter is important in drawing your readers into your ideas.

The other issue is when you write in first person, it somehow gives off the impression that you are putting yourself into the other character's shoes, that is, writing autobiographically. Now, whether or not that was your intent is hard for me to conclude. Only you, the writer of this piece, will know for certain of that is what the motivation was. Since it is in first person, it gives off the impression that you are putting yourself into these particular scenarios.

My suggestion would be to try and write Oriana in the same way you write Willy. You're not only shifting the point of view here, you're shifting the entire perspective from third person to first person and back again. When I was in high school English class, my teachers drilled it into my head about writing third person when writing stories, and this shift would have given them a coronary! As a result of that, reading first person in stories is very strange for me.

The content of the story is all alright between chapters 2 and 4, but I was getting tired of Willy responding with 'mumbler'. That whole thing sort of dried out for me after the third or fourth time he said it. It makes him so unapproachable and stagnates the story. I know that the 2005 Wonka was rather that way with Mike Teavee, but since he did invite (demand) Oriana to come, it seems redundant for her to be constantly responded to in that manner. Perhaps it is just me, but that's how I read it.

I am not trying to hurt your feelings or be rude about your writing. I know that as a writer myself, that constructive critiques are important. I hope that you will continue to write and share your work with us here. I will continue to read this story time permitting and will try and offer some ideas as they come to me. I hope that this encourages you to continue working on it. Sometimes, people call it mining for gold, meaning there is something there, but it is something that you will ultimately have to find.

Blessings.

I really like this story. Please update.

Dr Wonka's grand entrance! Whee! Good job. The press is just out for blood isn't it?

~the ness-ness~