Well, it's been a year (ten months, close enough), and I jumped the next milestone from making a review and made an account. And a review. You're rather inspiring.

Anyway, I'll again poke at the Japanese, though there isn't exactly very much of it this chapter though. For Matsu-machi, I think using chou (the on'yomi) over machi would probably work better.

As for last chapter, I still stand by using ore over boku, because, well... why would they want to sound softer? I'm pretty sure by high school ore has more or less displaced boku, and they'd use watashi when needing to be formal (e.g. Nanashi). Although omitting the pronoun would still be better. My experience is that they toss it when making a simple statement (if it sounds fine without "I" in English too), like this chapter with the "wakarimashita". Although English uses present tense instead of past tense-- "I understand" vs. "I understood," although for some reason when they omit the I it changes tense "understood". Speaking of the wakarimaSU, that should be past tense.
As for the "mata" typo, your fix did the trick. The comma was all you needed; I didn't realize you intended for the mata to be on it's own.

I'd say that your extensive use of Japanese probably makes the atmosphere more unique. Also, brilliant word play with Nanashi's name. I didn't notice it the first time around, but it was an amusing twist once I figured it out.

Hey Kat

I got bored and started perusing fanfics for lols, but when I saw the title, I decided to have a bit of a look, and 24 chapters later realise you had me hook line and sinker.

This is a great peice of writing you've got here, and well represents the work of two years. I can see how your writing has changed over that time - improved - and I appreciate the way you can write action without reverting to just listing a series of events.

There is possibly a few ideas I would like to propose. Perhaps you widen your perpective audience a little and define a few more things. Obviously to a mechwarrior fan all of the clan talk and culture makes plenty of sense (I myself am only nominally mechwarrior player, not so into the culture of the universe) but you could make the story go a lot further by having a little more backstory to a few things (your own speculation would be fine - this _is_ your story). Some examples might be;

- Some weapon descriptions could go from "She fired her PPC" to "She fired her Proton Partical Cannon" (or whatever PPC means) and instead of specifying "Fired off a salvo of SRM 10's" perhaps "Fired off a burst of ten missles". This will make it feel less like being fed informations and more like being fed imagination.
- Some of the untranslated japanese can get a little heavy, and would make a less patient reader skip over blocks of text. While I can see there is already the effort to keep it sparse/english there would still need to be a little more consistency in parts to make it a little more reader friendly.
- There are occasions where you do overexplain things; thoughts and feelings of characters are better felt through the situation than the text. Great examples of this are the chapters where Lisa is telling Blake her failure to make it to Mechwarrior caste, and prior to that, when Marion and Lukas are in the mess hall and Nanashi is 'asking' for thier assistance on the mission.

I also noticed a couple of typos and a few skipped words, but I didn't notate them so I could not tell you where they were, but overall, this is a great story forming, not restriced by the need for bloodthirsty action at every turn, but well mixed in with clever plot and well built characters. Well done. I give the story so far a 7.8 out of ten. (a minus 1 for no zombies always apply, and i'm hurting to see the ending, so you can only improve on this score :D )

Please keep writing!

Frosty

Great to see another chapter!

Good to hear finally about what's up with Lisa. Sorta too bad, although washing out of even an initial position...

Anyways, I still get a kick outta the pirates, and Jaguars, interesting interactions.

Waiting for 25.

It's so good to see these guys back! Lisa's background is interesting and tragic at the same time (well, tragic for a trueborn). In a Clan society (especially Smoke Jaguars) failing to enter warrior caste can be very depressing.

One suggestion

If there was one thing that frightened her more than the thought of being stranded from her Clan, it was dishonoring her Clan.

I believe you mean sundered not stranded,IE she is seperated.

Now that was one of the better two hours I've wasted marathoning fanfics, and now I'm writing my first review. Yay? Anyway, I wanted to poke at your Japanese a little...

>"Oi. Boku wa nanika o miruta," said one of Kondō's men, suddenly.

Doesn't make sense to me. I'm assuming that you intended for him to say that he saw something? Past tense for "miru" should be "mita", the "ru" isn't part of the verb root.

Also, "ore" would probably be a better choice over "boku", since the latter is supposed to be restricted to children or something like that. Personally, I'd just omit the pronoun altogether, since it sounds more natural.

>"Hai. Ki o tsukete mata. Sayoonara," she said warmly.

What's the "mata" supposed to do again? I know it means again, but doesn't seem to fit in that position.

Wasn't planning on comment again until I had read all twenty some-odd chapters but this chapter stands out to me. What tech Lisa says about what little information Warriors have and the conflict of interest Lukas and Blake hammer out justifying working for pirates and and the hopelessness of Clan Smoke Jaguars situation explains exactly where I myself stand in my perspective of the BattleTech universe. My hat's off to you!

I'm four chapters in and I'm hooked. When I get done with the whole thing i'll give you my full thoughts. Just to let you know, I am a fanatical smoke jaguar follower.

Having just read from the start, I must say I'm loving this story. The plot and characters are cool, not to mention the awesome action scenes. All in all, I'm hoping you can update soon.

Hm..

I knew a double-cross would come. Just waiting for when :D

I think Lucky better watch it, I think he is a little too attached to Nanashi, comparing her to a Clanner, but who knows..possible I guess (or at least elite Kurita pilot).

Ah well, see how it goes after this :D

Looks like Kondo never watches war movies. Going after a single scout *always* leads to ambush. Lucky that reinforcement is not far away.
Very nice confrontation between Lukas and Marion regarding Zellbrigen. One is still looking back, the other has moved on. For a Jaguar simpatisan, I feel a bit sad for Marion.

Good chapter.

Grr...that Kuritan pirate would really get on my nerves. I assume the Champ IIC and Hunchback are out of action for repairs? (Sorry can't remember).

I sorta like Marion, but sorta not too ;)

Lukas...I don't really trust his judgement...Amazing he will be at ease with a Pirate, yet disdainful of his own clan, Tech albeit.

Still like Blake though ;) I personally enjoy Elementals.

Interesting to see how this goes, although I am betting they get double-crossed ;)

Well the ex Clans and the pirates are coming along nicely, although there are still some frictions. It is almost sympathetic and pitying at the same time, seeing the once proud warriors now running small missions to survive. But it is the premise of the story, and you do a good job.

I am glad to see this series isn't dead :D

I enjoy it...

You pointed out something very important, and is often glossed over...If prolonged time is spent away from something, and around something the exact opposite...You are often morphed into what you are around the most...

It will be interesting to see how/who progresses as stuff changes.

It's good to see the Smoke Jaguars again, and one of them starts speaking Japanese. Blake and Lisa get along well, and I hope the others will too someday. Or hopefully they can find a home after the death of Smoke Jaguar.