Reviews for A Gift - FanFiction.Net

Reviews For: A Gift

devil cat07 2007-10-16 ch 1,	abuseum... not that I wanna be a critic, but there are grammar mistakes practically everywhere. Other than that, I love you story! Keep at it! XD
Devil Cat 2007-09-11 ch 1, anon.	abuseHey, I don't mean to be rude, but um... your English sucks. Story's fine, but you might wanna ask someone to read it through before you publish your horrid English to the world. Keep up the good work!
mae 2007-09-09 ch 1, anon.	abusewell your mistake is we'll anouncement that should be we'll anounce
Dozen and One Stars 2007-02-12 ch 1,	abuseLike the concept thoug you could add a little meat to it. You need a fix few capitalization errors. If you need a beta let me know.
Daedaleon 2007-02-12 ch 1,	abuseHi, I think there are too few HiruMamo on this site, so I'll take the time to review... You asked where the mistake were? English isn't my first language but I'll try to help with the most obvious... Pointing where mistakes are would take too long so I'll just put the whole story with corrected mistakes between ... After defeating Ojo White Knight they went through the final of Kantou Tournament. Of course, a lot of teams feared Deimon because they had defeated the two strongest teams, Shinryuuji Naga and Ojo white Kights "So… this is the Christmas Bowl.." Sena said with an amazed face. "This is the really Christmas Bowl!!" cried Kurita => you meant “this really is the Christmas Bowl” or “this is the real Christmas Bowl”? Mamori gave them a soft smile, but then.. Mamori looked around, but she couldn't find someone. Hiruma. She left them and went back to the locker room. "Ah, there you are, Hiruma-kun" she said when she saw Hiruma sitting on the chair. "What are you doing alone here? The opening ceremony has already started" "None of your business, damn manager" "...are you feeling nervous?" "What the hell are you talking about?! Stop fooling around" "..sorry then" said Mamori and turned back, but Hiruma grabbed her wrist. "what are you doing, Hiruma-kun?" asked Mamori, blushing slightly "Yeah, you damn right. I'm nervous" said Hiruma without looking at Mamori. Mamori's eyes widened. "I hate to say this, but, please stay with me for a minute" he said, "you're the one who understand me the best after the damn oldman and the damn fatty" (actually I’m not sure about adding “the”, I don’t remember how he call them..) "..eh..?" Mamori’s face was getting red. "Why don't you stop your damn blushing!" "I..I'm sorry, I didn't mean anything"/"it's nothing" "You see, this has been our dream for a long time…" said Hiruma after a long silence. "when the dream finally come true, why I must feel so? nervous?" "It's alright, that's temporary" said Mamori, "You'll be fine after stepping on the field, just do it as usual, hiruma-kun… you don't look like the Hiruma-kun I know.." she smiled. Hiruma smiled. "Hey, don't tell me, you just smiled…" yelled Mamori, the only time she had seen him smile like that was during the deimon high field day. "What do you think I am? A demon?" Yes.. "Sorry, I just.." "And then we'll announce the participants of the famous Amefuto team..!" shouted Sanada "Hey, Hiruma-kun, hurry! They are announcing the teams!" "Wait a minute damn manager, I want to ask a gift from you.." said Hiruma. "What's that? We're in a hurry, so be quick!" "Don't worry, it'll be fast" / “it won’t last long” / “I’ll be fast” Suddenly, Hiruma's lips pushed Mamori's. (maybe a separation like this “” here)* Meanwhile.. "Where's Mamo-nee?" asked Suzuna to Sena. "I don't know" said Sena, "it seems Hiruma-san isn't here either" "Maybe they still in the locker room, planning the next match…should we go get them?" "Okay" When they reached the locker room.. "It’s opened" Sena pointing at the door. "W..wait, Sena.." Suzuna sweatdropped. /was suddenly sweatdropping? "Huh?" Sena's eyes widened after seeing Mamori and Hiruma… kissing. "Su..Suzuna, we should leave from here IMMEDIATELY!" said Sena. He knew that if Hiruma noticed that they were here, they would die. "O..Okay.." and they leaved quickly. "..H..Hiruma-kun.." whispered Mamori. "See, that was fast" said Hiruma, "well, I gotta go" "..wait.." said Mamori "What's that, damn manager?" "...try your best and good luck. I'll be waiting for you" Hiruma smirked and entered the battle stage. The Christmas Bowl. I hope that helped Hiruma and Mamori are the best!
melted toast sticks 2007-02-12 ch 1,	abuseSO CUTE! I love it! HiruMamo is so freaking awesome! Then again Eyeshield 21 is just awesome.

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