Merynn and Speedy, please forgive my long delay in getting this review to you. Please note that it only covers the prologue. I can only hope you won't be too angry with me after it.

THE GOOD: The premise. A lot of people have mentioned this, both here and at OUaT. The ramifications of a halfling monarchy is the seed of a very interesting story indeed.

Also, most of the technical aspects of your writing are good.

NEEDS WORK: I really hate to say this, but everything else.

Most of what you've written simply doesn't make sense.

*Halflings are among the best-off races of the world- they supply the most basic needs of agriculture.*

Supply? To whom- other races? You don't say that you "supply" food to yourself, do you? Yet this is clearly what you intended.

*They ruled in a peaceful democracy until centuries later...*

First of all, most "standard" D&D halflings/hobbits do not live under a democracy. They have a clan/family based rulership system.

And second, "centuries later?" Centuries later after what?

*They did not appreciate being away from their families, drinking, food, and fun.*

This sentance has nothing to do with the previous two, yet it's in the same paragraph.

*One of the Halflings used a high amount of diplomacy, and perhaps, intimidation, suggesting that a monarch take to the throne and rule solo. Daring as the Halfling was, he disappeared after the fateful meeting, never to be seen again. Thus the Foxtrot dynasty began.*

Umm, what? Huh?

One lone halfling suggests/intimidates that one monarch should rule their race, and then disappears forever after that.

That's fine, but then a dynasty appears? Are you saying that everyone just GAVE IN to an idea that's pretty much blasphemous to every hobbit on the planet, even though its sole proponent was NEVER SEEN AGAIN?

That's like some psycho shouting at the gates of the White House that the entire government of the United States should disband and make him king, and THEN THEY DO IT!

One paragraph in, and you've shot this story right in the face. With a nuclear weapon-wielding dire tarrasque.

*...a Paladin entered Drémeadow, now the common tongue for the Halfling palace.*

Tongue?

*Chaos unknown had spread throughout the kingdom in absence of the outside world. After all, the Halflings were never meant for monarchy, the simple and carefree folk preferring food, house, and family.*

Chaos unknown. No other description. If I tried, I couldn't be this vague. Or uninteresting to your readers.

Your second sentance here. Who is this according to? Whose opinion is this? The narrator? This is a third person story!

*The old folk and devoted youth stood behind the Halfling Foxtrot, who seemed to spread wronged values- greed, power, and fortune. Those of the younger generation sought to preserve old Halfling traditions of unlimited joy and celebration.*

Sigh.

Is this the same halfling (Foxtrot) who we were told one paragraph ago was never seen again? Or is it his son, who found the newly-created halfling throne all waiting for him when he showed up?

Moving on. You said the "devoted youth" rallied behind Foxtrot, who promoted greed, power and fortune.

In the very next sentance, you say "those of the younger generation" opposed him.

Which is it? Which side are the young hobbits on?

*Then, not a week after the Paladin arrived, all seemed to fall...*

I assume you mean "fail." It's still clumsy, and not even accurate. The halflings are no longer happy. So, it's not like everything is great and that's all about to stop now.

*The queen proposed a toast, before drinking to her death.*

Quite the alcoholic, wasn't she?

I know, I know- she was poisoned, but your description of what should be a penultimate event has all the emotional impact of a grocery list. In fact, it was so short a sentance, I almost missed it entirely.

*The queen collapsed, and the king was fearful, and reckless.*

Fearful and reckless? How about doing something like TRYING TO SAVE HER? Cleric, anyone? Did the queen turn into a friggin' skeleton on the spot? Did anyone even examine Her Wee Majesty?

By the way, WHO is this queen anyway?

*He extended his finger to the most unlikely of suspects. “Paladin! How dare you! You enter my kingdom, we grant you hospitality, and you take my wife’s breath and heartbeat! Leave at once!*

Yes, we all know when an unknown assassin is about, the first person you (literally) point your finger at is the nearest paladin.

Is this the SAME Foxtrot with the supposedly high Diplomacy skills?

You YOURSELVES (the authors) describe the paladin (rightly) as the most unlikely of suspects.

**The king ordered an attack on all of the supporters. The brave Paladin protected the innocent lives, fleeing for justice.*

You see, here's the rub. Foxtrot's supporters MUST know their liege is evil to the core, yet they support him. That makes them as bad as he is.

But they're HALFLINGS! Sure, there's evil hobbits here and there, but not a friggin' KINGDOM of evil ones!

This isn't a story about hobbits. It's just a another heroic rebellion against evil empire tale with halflings instead of humans.

*Thenceforth, there was a divide- those who stood for the Paladin and his codes formed a rebellion. Those with the king ruled under the sinister green eyes of Jarmir Esteel and his court of Evil. The corrupt king claimed dominion over the Halfling lands.*

Jarmir Esteel? What happened to Foxtrot? And why are his green eyes so sinister, as opposed to anyone else's green eyes?

And as for claiming dominion, if he's the reigning monarch, then he HAS dominion. It's a redundant statement anyway.

This was about as far as I got.

OVERALL VERDICT: At this point, I have to give it a Thumbs Down. Every single sentance in the prologue either contradicts previous information, is vague, or is just uninteresting and/or cliched.

And yet, I am going to keep reading. The initial premise is so powerful that this story might well be salvaged, particulary when we get to the actual story, with dialogue and characters and so forth. The prologue itself was almost all TELLING, and very little SHOWING.

I will review subsequent chapters if you so wish. Again, I'm sorry to sound so harsh, but I assumed you wanted an honest review. As always, all comments here are only one man's opinion. Feel free to ignore some or all at your leisure.

Happy Writing.

Kar

A story fairy such as myself enjoys tales about hobbits and such. I understand this is a prelude or introduction to your story? Good action and establishment of good vs. evil.

A suggestion: bring the perspective down from the mountaintop and into a hobbit. That is, have the experience and point of view be from a beloved Halfling. The reader can then experience the details of his/her peaceful world of work and home before it was disrupted. A little detail goes a long way. I believe the classic rule in writing would work well here: show – don’t tell.

This looks amazing! I can't wait to read the rest of it!

O! DRAMA!
Lovely, ladies! Can't wait to keep reading.

I went through the story and it was good. I highlighted some things i though may need rewording and some places where a space was missed, but this could also be due to some html. I enjoyed it though, let me know when the next chapter is done. let me know what you think of my review.

I also noticed that you spell a lot of your words British style, like neighbour instead of neighbor or endevouring instead of endevoring. I like that(same way i do them). Just wondering if there was anything influencing that decision.


I have attached the review in word format in an email to Speedy, if you would like it some other way let me know.

Also i was thinking of introducing you to my parents anyways, so that when I return to campus in September you could meet them.

Hello!! My Name is Bien Canonizado,I'm a visually-disabled (blind) graduate student from the Philippines. Just dropped by to express my admiration for your
writing-style... You are possibly one of the most skilled web-based authors that I have encountered in my time as a fanatic of fantasy/science fiction.
You should really try to finish your stories,specially this particular one that I am reviewing right now. You know,your writing means very much to me,recently
I just lost my sense of sight;and quite honestly it has been so hard adjusting to a life without being able to pick-up another printed book. Currently,I
depend on my computer to read stories to me on-line,this is with the help of a screen-reading program. And let me tell you,ever since I discovered fan-fiction
I couldn't stop reading your great stories! Please understand,your stories give me the strength to continue... (I'll not dwell on that fact too much.)
I believe your talents are a God-given gift so that you may bring happiness to those who value this particular genre.
My only wish is if you could make your chapters longer,I think the reader would have an easier time if the story were written in a few long chapters,rather than several short parts.
At least each chapter should be 3,0 words long for better continuity.
Easier for us to follow if we did not have to back-track so often because of short chapters. I hope that you will one day decide
to once-again write. Please don't give up...
I hope that you will reply,because it was very hard for me to write this review since I am hoping that you will notice this short letter out of all the others that you get.
Please do not think that I am just spammer,cause I am serious when I make this request.
If you wish to reply,please kindly send your comments to my e-mail
It is written below with spaces and with the symbols spelled-out to avoid spammers.
(Bienvenido S. Canonizado)
Phone number:+63917-433-8194
Electronic mail:f e n r i s (at) p a c i f i c (dot) n e t(dot) p h
"There are more things in heaven and earth Horatio,then are dreamt of in your Philosophy..."

Pretty good. You could have just replaced the first CH. 1 with the second CH. 1, but I guess it's not mandatory...

Anyway, I just realized that the story's name "Through Jade Eyes" is very much like a Pikmin fanfic I once read called "Through Red Eyes." I can't tell if it's a reference (jade is a shade of red I think) or just a coincidence...

Still, I'm getting off point. Long review short: good story so far.

Yep, seems like coolness. Everyone should read this.

Interesting start... I'm intrigued. Onto the next chapter!

Yay another chapter and it was a long one too.
I enjoyed your descriptions of the atmosphere which is occasionally lacking from stories and your choice of words for description is unusually advanced (compared to other fanfic work). Keep it up. Also am happy that you will be updating the story more frequently

Wow, am very impressed, both merryn and speedy hobbit sections were written very well. A fw grammatical areas in Chapter 1 (Merryn's). Like the easy introduction of the characters and how their style of speech relates to their characters. Excellent use of description and don't worry about placing in to much description I find stories are far more evocative when events and surroundings are described it makes the fantasy more real!

Wow...I think that the idea has merit, but be careful of mixing your idioms. Trying to speak forsoothly is really not as easy as most people think.
In a couple of places you use fairly modern phrases 'rule solo' for example ,followed by an attempt at formal narrative. It feels jarring.

I recommend sticking to a modern cadence, rather than trying to find the older way of saying things.

Intresting storyline. Lets see where it leads