Excellent John whump and loved the John/Teyla interaction. Enjoyed every minute of this. Thanks for sharing.

I'm so glad that you took the plunge and posted your story here. It was absolutely fantastic. I really enjoyed reading and I felt myself cringing in pain along with Sheppard with your wonderful descriptions. Keeping my fingers crossed that you decide to write another one. Take care!!

Sherryw

That was a really nice story, and a good first effort! There was some great character insight in there. Just a bit of concrit, the grammar needs some work - sentence structure (especially the dialogue) and punctuation. I'm sure you'll pick that up as you go along though. Great effort!

Great story and amazing whump. Can't wait to read more of your fics.

i loved it but i didnt like all the stop start as they were speaking u know all the dots it's very distracting try it with a comma and then a space look at sopme of the other great authors on the site

Very nice for your first fic. The grammar needs a teensy bit of work - mostly things like using commas to join phrases together when really they should be two seperate sentences. I felt the characterisation was a little blunt at times (not sure the characters would be quite so forthcoming with their emotions) and it's usually best to try and keep a chapter, or section, to one person's POV rather than jumping between them but overall this was a good first fic with a nicely structured plot and a nice portrayal of the team dynamic - with some really lovely character moments there in your internal monologues.. particularly for Rodney, Weir and Ronon. Well done!

loved it

Great fic and a wonderful start into the world of writing whump!
Continue writing more, please.

Ok, first of all.. I really enjoyed the story - how could I not? It was deliciously whumpy :D

Now on to the constructive criticism.
First of all, you should get yourself a beta to read through your stories before you post. There were a few spelling and grammar mistakes that the beta can take care of.

The second thing is, I do think that Teyla was a little out of character. She seemed too 'calm' and in control at the beginning, she almost felt a little cold to me.
She can stay in control and be freaked out by this at the same time...
Then, when the others get to her and John, she passes out. Passing out from emotional distress is just not like Teyla.

Don't get me wrong, I did like the story. Just a few suggestions you might want to consider for your next story :)

Great job. Good tension throughout the whole story. I loved hearing the voices in my head. You got Teyla's pauses just right.

Keep on writing!

A great first ficcie! Very dramatic and tense, and incredibly whumpy...*evil grin*. I thought your Teyla was well written. She's an incredibly difficult character to get right, and I thought you did a great job with her. I also like panicked Rodney! Lol! He cares really, which I like too.
I liked the medical stuff here as well...that always makes me feel good!
Poor Sheppy! Funnily enough, whumping Shep with such a trap has always appealed to me too, so I'm really glad you decided to write this. I look forward to your next story...hm, what next? Gun shot wound? Drowning? Or maybe Stab wound? Oh, the possibilites are endless. I can't wait to see what you decide to do! Well done! :) Linz x

Great story. I like the tie-ins to canon. And what an interesting twist at the end on who the hero is. Nicely done.

That was excellent. I especially liked the part where Teyla stands between John and that creature. My only complaint is the end of your setences and the numerous periods(...). Was that inentional or something that popped up during transfer onto sometimes does wierd things to the formatting.) It kept throwing me off, especially in the dialogue. Other than that, it was a good read. Poor John, I just wanted to hug him.

Wow!...what a fantastic story!! And for your first try too?? You couldn't have started any better. A few very minor typos (forgetting a space between two words is minor)that did not detract from the story.

I really look forward to reading more Shep whump adventures from you. You do the whumper name proud. :D :D


Gate Geek

Oh that was wonderful - thank you very much for posting your fic here!