loved it update soon

please update.

I see you have improved a bit. I'm impressed, good for you.

Thanks for the email. Your story is interesting but it could draw a lot more readers if you worked on the grammar and format, more.

There is still a bit of problems though. The grammar still needs work. Try this, after you're done writing read over your chapter for mistakes and fix any errors you find and then post it.

Also, do not leave ANs all over the story.

I.E.

Sentence, do do da. (AN. note note note.)

If there is anything you need to say, say it before the chapter starts and/or at the end of the chapter.

Also, don't put things like...

'Lizzies Room'

'Dereks POV,' no switching remember? hehe.

'Living Room'

You could instead write,

"Casey walked away from her mom heading to Lizzie's room to tell her the news. When she got there she quietly opened the door..."

Also you need to be more descriptive still.

Look back at my old review or email me if you don't understand. I was pretty bad too when I started. ah.. and a year after.

You still have a bit of a problem with placing talking anf thinking.

When a character is talking/thinking and another character started to talk or think then start a new paragraph.

Never leave them in the same paragraph.

When you had done this,

Casey: narative pov, 'Casey's thoughts'

Derek: narative pov, 'Derek's thoughts'

Woah no no no. That is called script format and should NEVER be done. Even when a writer makes a instant message in their story it is usualy frowned upon. My profile has details on that.

You can easily have done it without the script format. I see you were trying to make it seem like they thought at the same time.

Better way to do this.

Casey began walking away. A small frown fell on her lips as she thought about Derek but a blush still glowed softly on her cheeks...hopefully I won’t see him again, because that was really weird. He might be cute and all but still...'ugh just stop thinking about him Casey and worry more about finding Lizzie and your mom...why am I talking to myself in third person...whatever...Ah! There they are'

Derek watched her walk away and mentally kicked himself. HE couldn't believe he let her walk away like that, he hadn't even gotten her number yet! 'what the hell, I find a really hot girl and I just let her leave...well at least I got her name Casey, it’s a really nice name it suits her...and the way she said my name, it sounded nice and cool coming from her...what the...? Snap out of it, she is just a chick and I’m Derek Venturi, I don’t say stuff like that...wait Casey, isn’t that the girl’s name the one that is my age...nah, of course not...And where the hell is that bathroom anyway'

Along with grammar, you need to place periods and other puncuaton marks.

It's very good though that you improved from last time. An author never stops learning and bettering themselves. Keep it up and you'll be great.

I'll keep reading when I can.

AH YAY!
It was Casey!
WHOOT WHOOT.
Can't wait till
the nexx chap :)
update asap!

This is different and I like the idea.

For a real critique though...

The grammar isn't to bad.

The sentances though need to be placed apart from each other, especially when a new person is thinking and/or talking.

I.E.

Casey walked into her room swiftly and frowned, "Derek! Get out of my ROOM!"

Derek smirked 'finally, what took her so long?' "Casey, Casey... I would but see... I have a little problem. I need a favor."

Also, don't bunch the paragraphs so much, it's hard to read and gets confusing. If a paragraph gets to long, it gets hard for the readers because we have to scroll and lose are places easily and takes our attention away.

Also, I see you have more then just people talking, which is great.

"Hi." Casey said

"Hey." Derek said.

But even though you don't do that, you need to add description.

When I had this probelm people gave me tons of advice on how to improve.

One way would be to think about what your writing whle writing.

Picture what is happening in the setting of you story. Where are the characters. What is there in the background. Is it cold, windy? Are there benches? Where are you characters? Are they sitting? If so on what and where.

What are the sounds? Are birds chirping, is the TV on in the background?

What do your characters look like? What are they wearing?

What are your characters feeling? How would you picture their faces looking?

Are they crying? Are they smiling?

Description is very key in stories but it can go wrong both ways. Never over do it and never under do it. As you grow and learn as a writer, you'll know which works for you in a good balance.

Also. The P.O.V is a very hard concept of wrting to master.

On fan sites it is often misused and misunderstood. You seem to be having a bt of trouble with it like many other readers.

In fact I had trouble with it for a LONG time.

Point of View is a naratitive style of writing.

One of the correct ways to use it are, for expamle talking in past, future and present tense.

With P.O.V you can NOT have another persons thinking unless the character who is in P.O.V can read minds and know what that person is thinking.

Point of view is for only one character, about what they are thinking and doind and about how they "view" what is going on.

Also, it isn't good to switch P.O.V like this.

To have one P.O.V and then to switch it to another.

Also, saying in the middle of the story you're switch POV isn't good and a poor expamle. I've done that before when I was starting and even a year or two after until I learned.

You can have more then one POV in one story but it is very hard to do so. I'm not even very good at it.

A way to still have Casey as the main view of the story and still have others povs is either...

Third person POV, which is basically you just writing and everyone can have their thoughts in the story but have their thoughts in italics.

Or switch POV with chapters but NOT in a single chapter.

Or you have to only have one POV for the whole story. OR till the ending when you can switch it between chapters. Like Caesy's POV until you switch it in the ending chapters. Still, never the same chapter.

Also, the underline script... don't use it unless you use it for a title, which is what it is mainly used for.

The italic are good for thoughts or past tense. Bold is for something when someone is screaming or talking firmly, like that and is only used for a few or ONE word in a sentance, never bold an entire sentance.

Also, when you do point of view, don't have the character talk like this.

I.E.

My day has been so awful. I look over and see Derek smirking. Hs makes me so mad.

When POV is used, talk with third person. It still works.

I.E

Casey dropped her head, trying to hide her frown as she sat on the couch. 'My day has been awful!' Looking over to her right she sees Derek smirking. He held the remote almost teasingly. 'He's such a jerk! HE makes me so mad, god look at him! As if the remote was one of his damned hockey trophies.'

When I had her thinking I used 'thoughts' because don't know how to use italics in reviews, lol.

Also, with thoughts you can use italics but can still use bold with them, like talking.

I.E.

'My day has been so "aweful"'

The word awful can be used by both italic and bold, or just bold and sometmes people take off the italic for the one word to emphisis it.

I like this story and it has a fabulous idea. I hoped I help give a good critique.

I've been writing for years and learned a lot but like any writer we never stop learning and improving.

Update soon.

This was good! I liked it. There is one thing though, when people talk try not to do this: "blahbalhbalhbal""Blah Blah Blah Blah "" Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah "
but try to put this:
" Blah Blah Blah " she exclaimed
" Blah Blah Blah Blah " she said
"Boo Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah " He said
I know this might sound odd I hope you understand what I’m trying to say. Well its kind of like this: when people are talking start a new line every time the person talks, this makes it a lot easer to read it
Thanks and hope you could put up with my confusing Review

THAT SOMEONE BEING CASEY!
right? right? please? lol.
update soon! :)

Hello, I am an English major, and i must say that this story is pretty good. Of course there is room for improvement, but I am guessing you are young so you have plenty of time. It is really good though, i have read all 3 chapters. I cant wait to see more of your work.
Sincerely,
Megan Redboard

Yo home girl that was deep...so deep its deeper den de ** atlantic ocean. dude u is a talented writer and u shud keep up da good werk.
lata little g
~danny GanGstA