Is this the end? The whole story was okay, but Sliver is way too mean to Chikorita and Cyndaquil. At least Sabrina and Mewtwo found a way to get Silver home.
Just "said" sounds like they're bad actors, really bad. I don't know if I should bother giving you advice, since I'm not seeing any improvement at all. This story has a good plot, don't ruin this good plot with bad grammar and description.
I can't believe how mean Silver is to Chikorita and cyndaquil. They're just trying to be nice. By the way is Silver going to get knocked out every chapter?
Wow, you updated. Well, instead of making fun of your stale way of the word "said", I'll get on with the review.
First of all, if there is a dream sequence, italicize the whole dream! It's much easier to tell it's a dream.
-He groaned. “It’s those idiots again,” he said.- instead of said, it sould've been muttered. Said sounds too loud and Chiko and cynda could've heard it.
I'm sorry to nag about it, but just "said" sounds so awkward when reading it. I always hear the "English-with-German-accent" in my head when reading the sentence.
And as usual, and most logically, take note of the stats in the game, as Fighting is Sneasel's worst enemy. And one more thing, isn't Dark types IMMUNE to Psychics? Please take this review in consideration.
Poor Chikorita... trying to be nice... I hope she finds a dark gummy (or is it black? I forget.) And mean Silver, thinking of himself like a brat. He doesn't deserve being friends with Cyndaquil and Chikorita. I hope he gets in deep trouble!
And for this chapter, I counted 62 (sixtytwo) "Said". wow...
Okay, enough mockery. What I forgot to mention in the last review was that the beginning was a bit different, which off course is a plus. but then this came into my mind. Mewtwo. WTF? What does it have to do with this story? Are there multiple Mewtwo now? There can only be one!
A Sneasel is like a cat, no? Then I guess Silver at least can conceal his claws. But I'm not really sure. Sneasel are michieveous Pokémon... or that's at least what I think.
An more personality! So Silver cares only for himself, Cyndaquil is just Cyndaquil, and Chikorita fancies Silver. That's not just enough... but I guess you're building their personalities up.
I gotta go to bed now, but keep up the good work. This story has potential.
Anyhow, for starters, your punctuation is good, as is the spelling.
Silver (Now, what kind of name is that? He's human, so the name Silver is more likely to be possessed by a steel type. But hey, is he an OC... or?) seems to have a mean personality, and that is a nice thing, as it makes him interesting.
Now for the parts I didn't quite like.
1. The word "said". Okay, so it's not bad to use the word said too many times, but 51 (Fiftyone) times in one chapter that short? Come on! Use some variety! It sounds like the characters are really bad actors. Whatever happened to growled, snarled, greeted, replied, mused, etc etc.?
2. Sneasel are extremely weak to fighting types (4X damage... ouch) and this would be kept in mind. One fighting move is more or less likely to send a Sneasel to dreamland due to low defense. Okay, I did the same thing (having a Machop beating a Pidgeotto but the important factor was that a Pidgeotto is a Flying/Normal type, and therefore the damage is 1X.
3. Too little description of the fighting. I know it isn't good to describe fights TOO much, but it certainly isn't good to make them too short. Give the fighting a little bit more life, and take note of the Pokémon's strength and weaknesses. I almost fear that you make Silver a little too strong.
Having one of the main games' rivals be the star of a "Dungeon" fic has some interesting possibilities. One thing that bugs me though is that the characters seemed a bit flat. However, as this is only the first chapter there is plenty of time for character devlopment. I'm keeping my eye on this one.
ROFL, I never saw this coming. For some reason, I picture Silver with Shadow's voice from Shadow the Hedgehog. It fits very well since some of Silver's lines are like Shadow's. Especially where he said he's only doing this to find a way home lol.
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