Okay dude, stop man!!

Whee, another chapter! :D It's great to see your name popping up in my Author Alerts again. I'm looking forward to your next chapter now!

There are some things I'd like to say about this chapter, although I really don't want to hurt you or dissuade you from writing. PM me if I'm getting you down and you want me to stop leaving this sort of feedback; you'll become a better writer in any case as you keep on (which I'm hoping you will!), and seeing as how I'm not perfect my criticisms aren't going to be totally right anyway.

Again, I think you're making the prejudice a bit obvious. I don't know how much prejudice you experience in your day-to-day life--I know I don't experience much--but it tends to come in insidious forms, and/or be widely accepted. For example: the statement "black people are good at sports" is something that not everyone thinks is racist. The reason why people think it's okay to say is because it's partly a compliment, but the nasty implications from it are that black people are all the same rather than individuals, and also that they're not good at anything *else*. (And also that, in the United States, slaves were bred to be strong.) Or for example: "women only deserve to be paid 75c to every dollar a man makes because men work longer hours." It's true that men work longer hours, so some people accept this one too--but this is because we think women should be the ones to do all the housework and take care of children, so in reality women are being kept from earning equal money by sexism. Or, for example, anger. Some people when they're angry come off as assertive and standing up for themselves; some people when they're angry come off as overreacting and out of control. We all know that anger can be perceived as either of those things--but, "coincidentally", we usually think angry women are out of control and angry men are assertive. (There was a study done about the pay scales interviewees were offered: out of an angry woman, calm woman, angry man and calm man, the angry woman got the least--and I think the angry man might've got the most.) Or we assume that just because someone isn't dressing up in white hoods and throwing around the n-word means they're not racist. Anyway, the thing is that people in prejudiced societies grow accustomed to it; it's an insidious thing more than the fanatics at either end, and people often assume the prejudice is a "natural" thing (women really are like this! Gay people really are like this! And here, eleves really *do* have potentially dangerous powers!). And Elspeth and Crimen have spent as long as they can remember in a society like that; they're certainly conscious of the prejudice, and after so long maybe shouldn't be challenging it so openly.

"it had been the only place where she could find employment"--I guess you're going to explain this, but in canon she can stay shapeshifted for a full day at work.

"scooping some ice cream into a small bowel" Yeah, you might want to fix that particular typo. :P

So, Elspeth: leaves a customer sobbing (maybe acceptable, he's a drunk), keeps a customer waiting for his ice cream (not really her fault, but still), bangs it in front of the customer when she finally gets to it (poor service), calls everyone in the workplace sexist pigs (a bad idea and *probably* a slight exaggeration), calls her boss an idiot in front of a customer (definitely inappropriate)... I mean, reacting to physical assault is understandable, but based on the previous incidents her issues with keeping a job are less due to speciesism than because she's a bad-tempered fool with absolutely no understanding of how the world she's lived in since she was born works. This all could have been her finally snapping, but you stated that she did actually need the money, so it's odd she couldn't keep her temper; I buy she'd have been more impulsive as a young girl, but she's an adult here, and in canon she has only one outburst Fear seems to appreciate for rarity value.

"I didn’t know you were one for red lace Elsie." Sounds like pretty expensive material for someone who wants a paycheck.

She's got the crystal balls; weren't there any...mercenary organiatisons, or similar, hiring? And apparently she's over twenty-four now, if she worked for six years only after she'd left the orphanage at eighteen; that's old enough to strike out on one's own, especially if she thinks of Avon as "home". It seems she's older than I thought in canon (but that's perfectly fine, purely a matter of interpretation), but if she only learns to fight and use her powers at this age that seems very surprising.

“Could’ve fooled me,” chortled Staff Head./“Forgive me,” shot back Elspeth, “I didn’t realise you were interested in a career in the fire wood industry.” That was a good comeback. :) I see you're including animosity between them from the beginning.

“You’re nothing but a ** who takes pleasure in warming Fear’s bed.” Holy overreaction, Batman! I mean, I know you intended it that way, but still it's a bit much after one kiss and no actual decision to conspire (surely Crimen wouldn't *mind* her going back to their homeland with Fear, platonically anyway?). Also, I'm not convinced Fear's *that* good at kissing, though I'm sure three hundred something years of experience is useful. Elspeth's sudden change to thinking she's in love with him is a bit much; she seems to be at least twenty-four at this point and at least some humans find her attractive, so she doesn't have much of an excuse for being immature, and if she's inexperienced it's by choice.

I think your basic idea for LI's origin is fine, but some of the way you wrote it didn't work for me. As I said, I do actually like this story and want to read more of it. I hope some of this long analysis helps just a little bit; I'd love to see further chapters, and more of the Knights and the vampires and Zoar, also more LI and Crimen of course. :)

Sorry it took me so long to review, again. :) Thanks for answering my questions, and I completely agree that anyone can be moral without being religious, though sometimes in stories the reason why vampires are afraid of crosses is that they *do* believe. (Terry Pratchett's Carpe Jugulum--good book--did a great section on it where a vampire trained his offspring to recognize every religious symbol in existence, which meant they believed in none. Until they were convinced to be afraid of every single one, and saw them everywhere!)

Pretty interesting chapter; the plot seems to be moving along well. One thing that jumped out at me was your timelines: I have absolutely no doubt that you plotted this out well, but there seemed to be a lot of mentions of exact ages in this chapter, and that felt like you were yelling in my ear that you'd done the math. It's really good you figured out the timeline, but the way you mentioned it sounded very artificial, and making sure the reader knows characters' exact ages isn't usually important (or that interesting--ages are just simple numbers). Sometimes you just have to write like a swan: below the surface you might have pages and pages of outline and background facts that you needed to figure out to make sure everything worked, like the bird's small legs going and going, but all the reader can see on the surface is the pretty result gliding past. I'm impressed at your efforts, though.

I like Zoara; she's distinctive compared to the other characters, and I've got a major soft spot for characters who can be strong characters in dresses. I didn't quite get the bit with the trainee attacking her; he obviously knew what she was, so he wasn't playing, but he was pretending to be Ace and that sounded like he was.

Generally it seems like it's going good. There wasn't that much happening in this chapter, especially compared to the previous one, but maybe something a bit more restful is good for a change, and I can tell it needed to be written. I don't have much to say for this chapter, but thanks very much for writing. I'm hanging out for more.

Wow, that was one action-filled chapter! Very well done! I really liked the battle, very intense. Thank you so much for doing this fic; I like reading it.

The OCs are all good; I really like that so many of the Knights and trainees are women! It's always nice to see more female characters. I'd definitely like to hear a little more about Bolt in particular; she fits well into the universe and seems a nicely developed character.

Hee, Fear does have a tacky name! No tackier than the Knight motto, though...or Ace Lightning... Hypocrites. :P

I like the image of them all going desperately through the cupboards to grab emergency garlic and crosses. I thought it was cute. ^_^ (Worldbuilding tangent: does religion exist in the Sixth Dimension? Does the cross mean the same thing it does in our world? Lord Fear might be the epitome of the Evil Atheist who disbelieves mostly because he fancies himself a god and wants to be free from any kind of moral compass, but maybe the Knights are vague followers of some religion similar to Christianity. Or maybe the magic of the place creates gods who are believed in in the same sense that we believe in tables, because they make themselves very obviously known. That's just a digression, and I have no doubt that if Sixth Dimension vampires did appear in canon they would have been vulnerable to the classic remedies regardless of whether they're atheist vampires in an atheist world or not.)

I hope Crimen's okay if he was the elf who got knocked down. I liked him. Mercyn seems like a flatter character to me, but it's nice that Sparx doesn't lose her brother (yet?).

LI can probably heal herself with the shapeshifting powers, so I'm wondering if she was the elf who got the acid. Hope not, though, 'cause I think she's cool.

And that's the crippling incident! Not such an accident after all, under the circumstances of friends being badly hurt and possessed. Go Ace! Poor Random, but I know he'll live.

Very good battle scene, and a nice bit that conveys pretty well why Fear was regarded as the most powerful villain in the Sixth Dimension. Your writing seems to be improving rapidly; just spell out numbers when they're not too long (eg. write 8855734 but spell two hundred or ten-thirty), keep on proofreading, and avoid this particular type of dialogue error which jumped out at me.

"Yes!" someone yelled. "The 'yes' being a single sentence and this being a new one, a full stop goes after the yelled part!"

"This is wrong," someone else yelled, "I started a new sentence but did not place a full stop after the yelled part."

"This is also right," a third repeated, "even though there is a comma this time, because 'this is also right even though there is a comma this time' make one sentence and therefore should not have a full stop between them."

Anyway, terrific chapter; I was extremely keen to keep reading and find out what happened to everyone. Good on you for continuing to write; even just in this story this chapter seems your best yet (though I still like the LI bit a lot :P ).

Hey new Ace fic. Cool. Always nice to see a new author as we're a rather small bunch here. Intriguing idea youi've got too. I'd offer more helpful concrit but since my brain is currently leaking out of my ears from tiredness, perhaps I'd better not. Keep going, though, and I'll keep an eye on you ;)

Oh, new fic, nice. :)

You've got some really intersting ideas here, as well as a few fandom-created ones, and it's interesting to see how you're mixing them with canon.

It's probably not a good thing to have all that description at the beginning of the chapters, as we should be learning things trhough the fic itself, rather than from an info-dump.

I'm a bit worried about what will happen to Sparx' brother and her dog as we never see them around in the show, but they're fun characters all the same. :)

I hope you write more! ^^

So LI's ten years older than Sparx? More than I expected, though certainly that's no matter for criticism. :) Another backstory that seems to fit--though my personal opinion does lean towards a slightly happier backstory for the relatively innocent Sparx, this version seems to cover her character well. I like the innocent!Ace you wrote in this, somewhat insensitive to others' concerns--well done on that one. Sparx' explosion is very her. ^_^

Looking forward to hearing more!

Thanks for replying to my questions! I'm sorry it took so long for me to review.

I like this chaper; it's the sort of backstory I think is likely enough for Lady Illusion. I don't think you overdid the angst, though some of the bullying and racism was a bit too malevolent and obvious--as long as you keep remembering that every character you write thinks that they're doing the right thing, or at least doing the wrong thing for understandable reasons. I like Crimen, and think this was pretty good.

Two centuries before Ace? I'm guessing that there'll be time travel or possibly immortality coming up soon--I don't see him as quite that old!

I don't like Indigo, though that's probably your intention--she seems very traditional, unfortunately. Your characterisation of the family is pretty good; they all seem like quite well-rounded characters. Poor Zoara! Nice chapter. :) A bit of a confusing break between when the vampires leave and get caught up with by the Light Elves (why just then?), though. This sounds like it could take flavour from Earth 1800s/early 1900s, which is appropriate to two hundred years before Ace. Most intriguing, pretty decent OCs--I can't WAIT to see more! Please keep on writing--hopefully my Author Alert will actually tell me next time! :D

This is a nice highschool fic, and young!Fear seems pretty convincing. ^_^ This is a similar backstory to the one I imagine for Rick--endlessly bitter about Things That Happened In High School--and really they're very similarr characters. Makes a lot of sense! Since it's three hundred years ago, though, maybe you could have gone with something closer to our world's 1700s or 1600s; "spider shakes" seem very modern.

Good backstory, well done without overdoing the angst. I do feel a little sorry for Fear, and I love the long speech he gets to give. Very IC! :)

SQUEE!! I'm so totally thrilled to see another Acefic, and I'd like to extend to you all the good wishes and hopes that you need to continue writing. :) Never give up!

I have you on Author Alert, but unfortunately it's been playing up lately. :( Damn You

Anyway, I totally agree with your feelings about what the Sixth Dimension ought to be. Yay for creative fantasy interpretations of the other universe! I really love seeing these kind of fics; they usually involve the characters I care about the most, the CGIs, and have so much fascinating worldbuilding and thought behind them. Your character ideas all sound most intriguing; you've given some great backstories to the canon characters, and introduced some OCs who sound like good characters.

One thing you might want to remember in future is to either name siblings in a way that makes them sound like sibs, or have a backstory for that. For example, a family with a creative father and a conventional mother might agree to name their first daughter Susan and their second one Elysiandria Dawn Starr, one for each parent--but mostly you'd expect to see Susan and her sister Lucy, and Elysiandria and her sister Galadrielle. Mercyn and Sparx sound like they could be siblings, but Elspeth (an old-Englishy-type name) and Crimen (original name) don't quite. Crimen sounds like it might be a very appropriate name for the character, though!

Phen Luc is a pretty cool name (and a little similar to 'Fear' too--definite points for that!). I want to know what "light vampires" are (they sound neat!). (I also want to know about undead skeleton biology--or rather, I don't really! :P) The name thing also applies for the Zoar family; Zoar (fantasy name) and Indigo (fantasy name--a colour not usually used as a name for us) called their eldest daughter a fantasy name after her father, but used standard English names for the other three--why? Of course, this'll be perfectly believable if the Knights we see around Zoar and Indigo mostly have English names like Ryan. It sounds like Zoara's her father's heir despite being a girl, which is good (^_^); but if that's the case I'd like to read more information about why Indigo wanted a boy first.

Looking forward to the chapters to come! You've done a pretty good job of building a world from your imagination, and populating it with characters with tons of potential. Now to the next chapter... :)