A most excellent chapter. Long, detailed, violent, and intense! Just the way I like it. I'm emailing Greg with the link for the chapter now. He won't review, but I can tell you for sure that he'll love this.

Excellent. Only problem was that it took so long! Did the Beta thing reach you quickly? :/

Anyway, I already addressed the issues I found in the Beta, and none seem to have popped up since. So, I hereby give this chapter a...

8/10

That was... ominous. The unexpected addition of the city adds a strange new factor to the Wastes and also to the rest of the story, as well as its history. There wasn't very much about the seamin, however (funny how many jokes one can make about them), or their equipment. I would think that Postidan would have had to take off his armor before he slept, but considering that it was a hostile environment he might have slept in it. I can see him quite easily in my minds eye when he wakes up and falls back into an uneasy sleep; the scene played like a movie in my head, so two thumbs up for that.

I've been thinking about the Enslaved Pikmin lately, and of Samovar and his Sword. I'll send an email about it in a little bit.

That was... an EXCELLENT chapter. Even better than the last chapter. There was one thing I want to correct, but... it's insignificant and I don't want to feel pushy. This was very good and there's no real need to "perfect" anything.

The idea for Lurg was pretty original. I like how you portrayed the greys, and you managed to convey genuine tension when Yannai is worried about the ritual/tradition thing. I was expecting mandatory single-combat. :P

Good atmosphere, description, timing and flow. Good characterization, a few new ideas, a considerable more learned about the greys with very little new information, and some added tension for the group of pikmin under Postidan travelling seperately).

That was... excellent. Very good juggling of characterization and action. It went very good with the green pikmin. The only thing that comes to mind was how linear the road was; I guess sinc they were travelling from near the northern border, and the road was well-made and well-travelled, there'd be fewer hills and gulleys, rivers and such to traverse. So, very good.

It was somewhat unclear about the pikmin holding torches when Wolfuun cried 'fire'. It wasn't said where they were, like if they were surrounding the pikmin or moving through the darkness beyond some trees. And when you got to the siege, too many defenders were killed by a single volley of arrows. You didn't really need to comment on their being fewer arrows fired by the defenders afterwards, only that Qyntun doesn't know how long they'd hold out against that many attackers.

Loved it. Can't wait to see what happens next. Of course, I'd think that Qyntun's family would know that Ortak was under siege, and it wasn't made clear that Wyfuun went with his wife and childmin. Hopefully Qyntun won't be put in too bad a condition by that arrow, and we'll see some major fighting. Also note that the city of Ortak continues up into the mountain, so that it appears like the main part is either right outside or inside a huge cavern. The rest is spread out of over the mountain mostly inside it.

8/10.

That was a long DC trip, eh? Well, good to see you update.

Pretty good chapter. Too much jumping around, but not that bad. If it had started snowing when he ran away from the Bulborb it could have been better, but not too bad (again).

Not much time left, so I'll wrap up this review with a promise for an update on my part and two thumbs up.

Another excellent chapters. There were, however, some parts that stood out to me as errors, or duex ex machinima (a plot point that makes little to no sense).

First, the chapter felt a little rushed. It also pulled the reader out of the suspension of disbelief several times, most noticeably with the occassional spelling or grammatical error. However, Yannai's plan was also a problem.

I can see how the plan might make sense. Sending the civilians with one group makes that group a bigger target, but reinforcing that group with most of the military could potentially make up for it. And just sending the rest of the military alone does make sense as well, since they'd be smaller and more manueverable as well as not having to worry about civilians in their tents.

If a few Pikmin, or one of the characters, had pointed out to Yannai the potential disaster of such a plan and vehemently opposed it, that would have helped. It would have also allowed Yannai to explain the plan better (as in the paragraph before this one), and if done right it would have kept the suspension of disbelief going, which is all important in fanfics, and even more important in fics like this.

Altogether, however, this wasn't too bad a chapter. I liked it, and its flaws weren't actually that big. The attention to detail was good too; I liked the scene with the dead tan pikmin. Nice throw-in. I wonder how many readers know the Oracle, eh?

You sir, have increased your writing skill exponentially. My theory is that it came from rewriting Battle Cry and Rebellion (which I'm going to read as soon as I finish reviewing this).

The chapter was very good. The attention to detail helped a LOT. I also like the new characters and the village. Actually, I liked the whole chapter, but I'm trying to stay specific.

Very good chapter. The only thing it needed, I noticed, was that it didn't come fast enough.

Hey, pretty good. It also helps shed some light on the helmet thing and what's going on up north, as well as some white naming conventions.

There hasn't been any explanation on the Joining yet, I think you should include that either in the next chapter or an update of this one.

Try to reveal less through dialogue next time, it makes it feel weird when the characters sit around telling one another what they all know already happened. Otherwise well rounded chapter.

Update soon!

Absolutely fawesome. The description is somewhat disjointed, with some things being cut into two sentences rather than smoothly flowing together as one sentence. For example:

"One of the grey Pikmin stabbed down with its lance. Yannai lifted his shield and blocked it."

Would be better as:

"One of the grey Pikmin stabbed down with its lance, but at the last second Yannai lifted his shield and blocked it."

Anyway, I loved this chapter. It really felt like a large, chaotic battle, like something straight out of Battle Cry. And despite how out of practice you are right now, you still managed to make me afraid for Yannai's life, even though I knew he would survive. Most excellent; it's like your secret, or something. You're not the best writer, but somehow you're able to inspire the imagination and let the readers create their own images, something many professionals can't do. It needs practice, but that doesn't mean its bad.

The grey Pikmin seem like really fierce warriors. And I do mean FIERCE. These guys are kind of scary, actually. Another thing... why do they speak the Crimson language? Another mystery. (I'm going to have Celltic travel through the Steppes eventually, how far out would they chase him and his group into the desert?)

Update soon!

Ah yes, grey pikmin. And as with all humanoids living on steppes, they are a race of mounted warriors. Excellent...

The description of the environment was a little sparse. Some descrption of Roxai's beauty, such as Yannai noticing the shape of her face beneath her veil, would also be much appreciated. Also, more description of the fight would have helped, such as describing how Yannai helps them kill the grey pikmin; maybe he cuts it's leg open, or slices it's glorps legs out from under it?

Describing the glorps, however, was very helpful and welcome.

I can't wait to see what comes next. And with your new update-a-thon, it shan't be long hopefully.

Two Thumbs UP.

I luvs it. And that's the first time in my entire fanfiction career that I've said that.

The dialogue was most excellent. Missing spaces and a couple tangled sentences marred several paragraphs, and in some places the description seemed rather vague or even dry, but in the end this did not hamper an otherwise perfectly good chapter. It serves it's purpose well, advancing the plot, giving us an unexpected surprise (a QUEEN?!?!) and even provided a smear of character development for Postidan, who seems to be changing ever so slightly with every new chapter. The added touch of mystery with Roxai's resemblence to the Oracle was a nice touch. Something a little deeper, perhaps?

Two thumbs up. And update!

You know what, this was just worth the wait. I almost had a stroke seeing that you'd updated, and that the chapter was longer than a lot of previous chapters. Hey, at least you've actually updated... I still havent.

Sorry for changing perspectives?

No way to be sorry about that, I loved the point of view of the beast a lot, maybe you could do it more often?

Some awesome updates, keep it up!

Dang! You're chapters are reproducing like jackrabbits in spring! I guess that's a good thing, though they do feel awfully short, and this one jumped back and forth from perspective to perspective.

I'm surprised the spears didn't penetrate into that creature's mouth. And I'm guessing there are desert pikmin? I was going to suggest that when I reviewed chapter 9, but I forgot to do so. Let me guess, tan or brown? Either way, I'm sure they have something against other pikmin...

8/10