FanFiction.Net - unleash your imagination
| FanFiction.Net - unleash your imagination |
|
| Home Just In Communities Forums Beta Readers Dictionary Search | Login Register Extras |
| rizzo1 2007-03-16 ch 1,  | abusethat was really cute and swet and cool joe POV, gd work!! |
| NaomiP 2007-03-16 ch 1, | abusePlease proofread and repost. Apologizing for your mistakes is fine, but reading through carefully and FIXING the mistakes is better. (There are 2 misused words ('sand' and 'dippers') and about 5 missing commas in the first paragraph alone. Second, I see from your bio that you're a Brit, but neither Joe nor Luka are Brits. So please make them talk/think in American English. (Americans rarely call their mother's 'mum' (usually Mom or (for a baby like Joe) Mommy. (Nor is the term 'poorly' often used to refer to feeling sick. (And do British infants really drink tea ... or are you referring to a meal/snack of 'tea?' In which case, again, this isn't an American term. Finally, there isn't much plot here, and I'm trying to decide how old Joe is supposed to be. His complex 'narration' suggests that he's a toddler or preschooler (a child that age could well still be in a crib), but everything else about the story (non-verbal, not walking, being spoon-fed by Dad) suggests that he's an infant. A cute idea, but it just didn't work for me. (And again, there are just way too many typos and grammar mistakes.) |