Wow... that was certainly interesting... as well as dark, although not too much. Truth be told, I had never really thought that much about the Rei 1 incident, so this was a new concept to me.

Anyway, nice. Keep writing^^

It says in your profile that you prefer constructive criticism but I can't find anything to criticize. Maybe that just means you're a better writer, who knows?

To the point. I thought that this was not only well-written and I also really enjoyed that plot. This is actually a plausible background story for Rei. I fell sorry for her.

I don't know what else to say, I simply loved your story. Keep up the excellent work!

~Rain Crystal~

Interesting work. The opening segments provoke the most reaction, truth be told. We tend not to think a great deal about the clones of Rei and their existence- much like Gendo, we think of them as spare parts. While that thought was intended by Anno to produce revulsion, particularly at Gendo, you've managed to move it in another, useful direction. In fact, if you wanted to, you could write an entire story about this community of clones- it would give you a chance to explore an odd set of humans (Which makes for good science fiction) and gives you a platform to explore your views on humanity's natural state. In fact, you could genericize the whole thing, or put it in different circumstances and have an interesting sci-fi work.

Your characterization of Gendo is good. You bring out some important aspects of his character that usually disappears in stories behind the shadow of his being a bastard-though, that's still here! In particular, his affection for Rei is present, though I wonder if it would help your story if you found a way to bring it more to the fore. I'm not sure if this would help you expand either your exploration of Gendo or the exploration of your theme. Also, you bring up Gendo's view of himself as the savior of humanity. This idea deserves a full length treatment, ala _Grendel_- in format, not quite in theme. I'm not very up on Eva Fanfic, and I'm sure it's been done before. I think you could have the skill to attempt your own take, though it would be something of a fanfic "Mangum Opus".

As for critiques, I'd say that my biggest problem with this work lies in the pacing of your writing. Now, before I continue, this could be a clash of personal style. You list Lovecraft as a major influence- and who doesn't love Lovecraft?-and I'm rather enamored of Johnny Ringo! and Dashiell Hammett, among many others. That said, your writing style exists in that border between langorous and ponderous. It moves slowly, and too slowly for the story you want to tell. It would help, mechanically, if you started your scenes a little later into the action, and not write about things you can imply later in the narrative. Many authors subscribe to the dictum, "Start the scene as late as you can, and leave as early as you can." Admittedly, most of the writers who follow that lead are suspense/action writers, which might not fit the story you want to tell- langor does have it's place, particularly if Shinji is on a Carribean Island.

Even if that's not advice you feel is appropriate, I still thing you would improve by trying to combine some of your sentences together. A lot of times, you have two connected actions that you discuss in seperate setences. This slows your writing down, making the reader work through some words that aren't needed. I'd keep such writing for times when you want to draw out the action, like the writing equivalent of slo-mo in movies.

Some nitpicks:
NERV has supra-legal authority, rather than super-legal authority. Supra-legal means above the enforcement of law, and carries a connotation of legitimacy. (Extra-legal has the same meaning, but a connotation of illegitimacy, in case you need that phrase.) Super-legal sounds like a police department on 'roids, even though you might be technically correct.

"Dying" rather than "Dieing"

"Yes sir" has two wats of making it better. "Yes, sir" for Englsh butlers, "Yessir!" for enthusiastic midshipmen. THere are some other missing commas, too.

Ah, now I understand your hint regarding the implications of Rei being a successful experiment - Dr. Akagi never commited suicide, ReiI killed the doctor but overtaxed her system, causing her body to dissolve. I can see how her motivations are moving from awed curiosity to fear and a desire for atonement.

"The ways justified the means" - did you mean to say that "the end justifies the means"? A way of doing something sounds like the same as a means of doing something.

Creepy look at life back in the tank, with good consideration of the physical reprecussions of constant swimming, and the lack of hair or nail hygiene.

wow UPDATE SOON

More details on her origin I enjoyed it. It's very dark and gives a better picture of what might have happened with Rei. Unforunately I don't really have much else to say beyond that. Gendos character has been developed quite well and I like the emotion you're giving Rei it really fits in. Good work.

hi,

No real problems to report. I really do like the clone scenes in the reiquarium, that's definitely something that hasn't been done before, at least seriously.

There are a few minor issues that bug me, but nothing major. a couple of minor grammer slip ups I noticed, but nothing to detract from the story.

Also, you might want to tone down on Gendou ever so slightly.

but hey, you're doing fine man and I look forward to the next.

Slán Leat
Dartz IRL

Wow, that ending was a shocker - after all of Gendo's fret and fear over losing the child, the scientist in him takes over and he celebrates Rei's death like a successful experiment!

The look into life in the Reiquarium provides a top-notch explanation for Rei's super submissive attitude through the series: to the clones, Gendo Ikari is an otherworldly God capable of miracles, kindness, and even judgment. I'll be interested to see how the clone's initial wonder at the world beyond the tank evolves into Rei II's total disinterest in life and interaction. How does she go from a starry-eyed child who's given the gift of a new and wonderful universe, into the girl who declares "I have nothing else [besides Eva]"?

I did find some logical inconsistencies in the story: you say that the Reis lack any concept of possession, and therefore life in the Reiquarium is a sort of selfless paradise. They may lack excess material possessions, but there is a limited amount of food to possess, and struggling to obtain the bare essentials for survival would certainly create a violent pecking order in the tank.

I was also a little perplexed as to why Gendo would select the best, or most Yui-like clone when she would be placed in such life-threatening danger within mere hours/days of her 'birth'.

Nice...

I really like the first half, and the insight into the selection process. I would never have actually thought of them being sentient myself...more... Tabular Rasa I think the term is, with memory's being written to the new one like information to a harddisk.

But this works too.

There're a few things I'm not quite sure about, like exactly what Gendo was plotting to do... But I guess that's why it's called a mystery then.

Slan Leat
Dartz IRL

Very good.

The visual conjured up by the description of the clone babies in their tank is somewhat haunting.

The depth of his planning, let alone the weeding out of the weak clones, and his execution of his plans paint a chilling picture of Gendo. A monster in human skin.

Interesting beginning there and I'm glad you went to two chapters as opposed to just one. Characterization of Gendo was done well, and the scene at the beginning with the clones in the tank was creepy and done very well.

Looking forward to seeing the conclusion.