   Princess Cherryblossom3
2009-04-24 . chapter 15This is a pretty amusing story, I must say. The Yuki/Mikan interaction is funny (Yuki is just too hilarious - especially with his Tamaki attitude last chapter - hahaha), and we also get to witness another side of Mikan's character because of it. Kudos to you.
I like the Tsubasa/Mikan interaction. It's very rare to see the Tsubasa/Mikan pairing in fanfiction (stories are usually dedicated to the Natsume/Mikan pairing), so I do appreciate what I've read so far in this story. It actually strikes me as believable - especially in five years' time. Your story taps into the potential that's shown in the canon. It hints at the possibility of Tsubasa/Misaki due to their close friendship, but also shows that in the end, Tsubasa/Mikan wins out. Am I making sense?
The Ruka/Mikan interaction is absolutely adorable (I love you, Ruka, you blush-aholic!). I like how we get to see both his sweet, charming, and shy side; and his more determined and mature side when it comes to Mikan. He's definitely grown since he was ten (although it's pretty funny that's it's been five years and the guys are still having trouble owning up to their feelings. Haha, so cute.) It's nice that you actually show the Ruka/Mikan pairing seriously. In most fanfiction, everybody seems to have jumped on the idea of Ruka having fallen for Hotaru (I'm not actually really sure where this came from *sweatdrop*), either from the very beginning, or that he originally has feelings for Mikan, which are eventually directed towards Hotaru. It's awesome to see someone following the Ruka/Mikan pairing more closely, and all of the drama that comes with it (*cough* Natsume *cough* love triangle *cough*) that we witnessed in the canon. ^__^
I also really love the idea of the Natsume-Mikan-Youichi family. I wasn't expecting it at first, but it's really grown on me. I'm interested to see what's going to happen with those pictures taken at the Photo shop. Aww, Natsume's having such a bad influence on You-chan. Natsume's such a perv, but you've gotta love him for it (especially when he smiles so sincerely as a result - to cute and so sweet).
It feels like there's sections of the story that are more focused on one or certain pairings. Kind of like they're clumped together in random segments. To begin with it was Natsume and Ruka, then there was Tsubasa thrown in, then it was Natsume and Ruka again, and now there's finally Yuki (and a tad bit of Tsubasa) again. I'm not quite sure what to make of it - it seems like it's a bit haphazard, almost like an after thought to make up for having forgotten about/neglected a certain pairing for a while in favor of others. I wouldn't say that it's a bad thing per se, just that you might want to take notice of it.
It HAS felt like there has been a change in writing style a couple of times throughout the story, although I couldn't tell you when exactly. A bit discombobulating, but I wouldn't recommend that you go back and rewrite it, as you may lose some of the charming and humorous aspects in the individual chapters. It feels like it's been a while since I started reading this story, even though I just started yesterday. Probably because a lot has happened so far. I've thoroughly enjoyed what you've written so far. I'm looking forward to more N/M, R/M, T/M, and Y/M in the future.
Surprisingly I'm not turned off by Yuki's presence - I usually dislike OC's, as they tend to have certain annoying traits, such as being too perfect, too Mary-Sue/Stew-ish, too emo, too cliche, or too much of something else for me to stomach. However, Yuki seems to be a bit more well-rounded than your average OC, which is something of a relief. But we've only gotten to know him recently, so I couldn't say for certain. I wasn't sure if I was going to like him at first - his syrupy-sweet flirtatious nature was becoming a bit overwhelming to the point that my teeth were beginning to rot, but he demonstrated that there was more to him than that. I don't know if every aspect of himself that he's shown so far is a part of who he truly is, or if some aspect(s) are a facade, but whatever. At least he's not one-dimensional, which is nice. I actually get a real kick out of both his awkward side as well as his Suoh Tamaki-esque mother-henning nature. It's too funny (especially he latter)! I don't know, I think it just makes him extra charming *grins*.
Anyhow, I really do like what you've written so far. While the plot obviously isn't the most original, it is something that I can enjoy. There aren't major holes in it, and it's written well. Plus, it's made me laugh and smile a lot, which I think is a very important trait. Another noteworthy factor is that the characters are overall true to their canon selves, with some adjustments that you'd expect to develop over time as they grow up and become a bit more mature (although obviously not completely *laughs*). Great job so far! I look forward to future chapters, and good luck in writing them! |
aliza0818
2008-05-03 . chapter 15i liked the previous writing style...i got messed up in the middle,n found the it was a new part of the chapter...anyway,i like the story,could u pls,pls hurry n write the nxt chapter,its getting to be a good story...i also have a suggestion,its ok if u dont like it...what if natsume and yuki have a little battle for mikan...anyway just pls update this story,,thx! |
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