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| iKatie 2007-08-28 ch 8,  | abuse=/ If you really want to make any sort of improvement on this story, I think you need to start from the beginning and...do it all over. Your chapters HAVE to get longer, and adjectives are your friend. The overall premise of the story is alright, but everything else just needs a little work, especially your grammar and descriptive sentences, and...your sense of realism. A two year old girl does not understand the concept of death. And if she did, I seriously doubt she would've taken it as well as she did in your story. The concept that something or someone is gone and not coming back is too much for most young children to handle, and the ones who understand often find it a very hard thing to deal with. Also, most people wouldn't be able to have a baby, deal with college, and THEN buy a bigger house. Starving college students are called that for a reason. Starving college students supporting themselves AND a baby on a salary from McDonalds? I'm pretty sure they're closer to welfare, than a big house. As for grammar, you REALLY need to work on separating dialog. After every piece of dialog in a story, YOU HIT THE ENTER BUTTON. Go pick up any book, look up any guide on the internet, that's how it works. Two quotation marks should not be together, they should be on separate lines. Not only is that how grammar works, but it keeps it less confusing, and makes it easier to understand who is talking, and who isn't. You're fourteen(If your profile is to be believed) and I'm pretty sure that you've been taking English classes for most of your life. Pay attention to them once in a while, they really do help! |
| Ness Lupin 2007-05-16 ch 5, | abuse#1 Wow, this is going by rather fast and #2 Vanessa is spelled with one N. I should know, it's my name. Anywho, other that that, it's a great idea. ~Ness |
| birdsfly 2007-05-13 ch 8, | abuseThat was really short and sad Hope you can make the sequle longer okok It was good though. |
| Amber-Phantom 2007-05-13 ch 8, | abusemake a sequel make a sequel! |
| RasenganFin 2007-05-08 ch 4, | abusethere is no c in puking see. |
| cheesebot12 2007-05-07 ch 8, | abuseSo...sad... |
| Queen S of Randomness 016 2007-05-07 ch 8, | abusehey! great ending! & sure! i'd like a sequel! i hope u post it soon! :] (& let me know when u post it) ;] |
| gothangel12345 2007-05-06 ch 8, | abuseWell... this can't be over. I'm impressed that Danny can actually laugh after having a dead son... but well, it's your story. I really think that there should be more sadness to the story, but overall it was good. GA# WUAC RULEZ! |
| ShieldMaid4JC 2007-05-06 ch 8, | abuseI rarely ever do this, but I demand a sequel. There were too many things that still seem to need explainining. Good Job! |
| DP fan 2007-05-06 ch 8, | abuseaww... hope do wright a sequel! :) ;) :P ;P :D ;D *_* ^_^ &_& $_$ MONEY! ;p >_< ._. |
| DP fan 2007-05-06 ch 7, | abuseOO... Just asking... r u going to have longer chapters?? Again JUST WANDERING! hope u continue asap! :) ;) :P ;P :D ;D *_* ^_^ &_& $_$ MONEY! >_< ;p o_O |
| Death's-Razor-Blade 2007-05-06 ch 8, | abusethat was a fast story. i liked it. oh,i just read that there is going to be a sequel;sweet... |
| Amber-Phantom 2007-05-06 ch 7, | abusethis is great! keep writing!! |
| gothangel12345 2007-05-05 ch 7, | abuseAwsome! Now to see the baby! Loved the chapter! GA# WUAC RULEZ! |
| Queen S of Randomness 016 2007-05-05 ch 7, | abusehey! yet another great job! keep up the good work! ;] i hope u update soon! :] |