Cute!

This is a nice idea, and I liked how you formatted Ichigo's fight with his subconcious.

But, the paragraphs seem really rushed and lack a lot of detail. I'm assuming that since she jumped out of his window when he woke up, she was living in his closet and is on her way to school. And I'm also assuming that he confesses to her after they leave school. You could describe how the voice is bugging the hell out of him throughout the day (distracts him in class, taunts him everytime him and Rukia make eye contact, teases him when Keigo flirts with Rukia and senses Ichigo's hackles rising, ECT). Filling in the paragraphs with details about what's happening would make this a really great one shot.

It's a common idea, but the way you've set it up is really interesting.

Of course, you can ignore my advice if you want. Or if you want/need help, you can just PM me.

-SoDanielle

SideNote- When writing dialogue in paragraph form, when a new person speaks, a new paragraph is formed.