Newsflash: Nobody wants to read about your twagic angsty Mary Sue and her wonderful adventures in your favorite anime universes, especially when the only way we know you're writing about these universes is that sometimes (just sometimes mind you) you throw in a few proper names. Half the time you misspell them or name characters from other shows entirely.

This brings me to the topic of spelling. It sucks. You run words together where you don't make new ones up entirely. Maybe I'm giving you too much credit there, it could be that you just don't know how to proofread, use a spellchecker or spell to begin with. I'm impressed that you managed to misspell two words back to back, ignore proper spacing, throw grammar out the window and to top it all off end up with an unparsable sentence within two sentences of starting the second 'chapter'. I'm curious, are you really this bad at writing or do you just not care?

One thing I really must give you credit for though: You are well on your way to earning a Black Belt as a Kung Fu Master of the Block Paragraph.

good storie so far. update soon please

Biggest piece of crap I've seen in a long time.

On the other hand, you are very close to mastering the Wall of Text(TM), and thus should soon be able to blind any enemy you come across. Or anyone who attempts to read your stuff, actually.

So I skipped the review fo rthe first chapter and decided to review this one.

My spelling will probably be a little off, I'm tired.

1. PARAGRAPHS! I couldn't even read the flash back scene. No matter how well written a paragraph is, if it's 30 sentences long, no ones gonna want to read it. It's just a very daunting task and you end up losing you place while your reading. Whenever a character speaks remember to hit the 'enter' button

"You are tall" Said John

"Go to hell" replied Carlos as his fist caught John in the jaw.

Now wasn't that more readible(is that a word?)


2. Mary Sue. I don't know if you're familar with the term but its the name for an industructable character. thats a good link explaining it indepth. You should be careful not to do this since I'm almost positive this character will end up piloting a robot (sorry can't remember the name.) The first time she enter a vandread(was that it?) she shouldn't be able to annihlate the entire enemy fleet.

I've got hope for this story. I like the whole new pilot thing.

There's little problems with this fics:

-the lenght of chaps: you have to make them longer, how?:
-The paragraphs: they barely exists. I mean... just two. The sentences are not bad. Just press "entry" more often XD.

I found potential in what you are trying to write: a female OC? wow... here that's new :P

But the story of your character... don't know... sure she's a particular one, and that's good, but you just told the story of her past inmediatly: it's doesnt't intrigues. It isn't bad, but there's methods way better than this one to make her intersting when the story progress: With her 1st person POV she can drop some details of her and her past, ironizing a little like "Bark like a dog? Hell that was weird, I must admit". Or using flashbacks... you maybe know: by the name of the character I can see you watch anime.

AND A BIG IMPORTANT THING!

When a character talks, and finish... you have to close the paragraph: it's a very important gramatical rule that will improve your writing in much ways if you take it.

Example (with 'lil' improvements, your description have to work, too):

I shook her lightly,
-"Time to eat,or else you'd rather cook yourself?"

At this, she jumped from her bed up and dressed.
-"Don't scare me like that!" -said Kalen as she hurriedly dressed.

-"It was the only way I could wake you up so fast." -I laugh as she hurries to the cafeteria.

I hope this review helps you in a way.