   sphinxgurl
2007-05-26 . chapter 3Hey! I really like this story - it's very intriguing, one of a kind. I do have a couple of criticisms (don't worry, they're nice!) because it's very frustrating to only have positive or no feedback, with no-one telling you what needs improving. Okay...(and remember, criticisms can be positive or negative, not all bad!)
-Well, at first the story was a bit confuzzling, but it's just the same as reading an original story! People come to this HP section on ffnet expecting to read carbon copies of JKR's style. If someone writes in the style of - say - Terry Pratchett, the poor sods don't really like it. Your story is original, so keep it that way! It's only confusing because it's unravelling like an original novel, so don't worry!
- "Cracking his door open he heard his Uncle Vernon open the door"...Well, it's just a repetition of the same word in the sentence, but it irked me, and it feels like you're reading the same thing twice! I had to go back and double check I hadn't read it wrong!
- "waiting to be let out, Hedgewigs cage with her"...The girl's name is Hedwig - please don't get major characters names wrong!
- Hmm, what else. Oh! The sentence structure. There are far too many complex sentences...you can only pay attention for so long! Try to make variations with simple, compound, AND complex sentences (if you're not too sure about this, e-mail me - it's in the vague recesses of my mind from English lessons!)
That's it for criticisms at the moment - I'll read on when I have more time on my hands, and review some more.
Remember - any questions, ask someone. I'll promote this story amongst my friends, and if they can they'll Read & Review. It's a story worth the effort!
Good luck with the story - I'll be hanging around!
Sphinxgurl x |
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