|Reviews for Invasion|
| Yellowfur 12/25/08 . chapter 1
Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa.
1. Spacing. Please. Skip a line after every new paragraph. It all mooshes together. Practically hurts my eyes. Definitely hurts my brain.
2. Watch the grammar. "Kindoff"? "No thats not why i left"? Proofreading is such a basic thing, I have no idea why so few people do it. You're making elementary school mistakes here.
3. Oh, yeah, since this has nothing to do with movie "Armageddon", I've reported your fic to the site admins.
| Evil Riggs 7/12/07 . chapter 1
Might I suggest moving this to a more appropriate location - say the Scripts secion of ?
As is, this is unreadable.
| mitch22 7/5/07 . chapter 1
if you split it up into paragraphs and did the grammar/spelling better, you'd have the makings of a good story. also, your character is just a teenager yet has gunslinging skills that would make clint eastwood back down. aside from that it's a decent story. ignore that "flame rising" guy, he seems to me like the kind of dude who's a quiet nerd in real life with no friends who doesn't have the guts to do anything more to a person than be passive-aggressive, so he lashes out over the internet.
i'd give it about a 6/10.
| ObiterDictum 5/18/07 . chapter 1
I would love to read this, but I can't. I mean I can read in general, but the format you chose makes it near impossible to read. I humbly suggest a format like this:
Dean Hunter, an 18 year old who is in college is walking home with a few friends. As they are talking the sky is getting really really dark.
One of Deans friends says, "Wow, look at that weather, its getting worse by the minute."
So another friend says, "Yea looks like its gonna pour down any second."
They come to a junction and so Dean goes off one way and the rest of his friends go the other way. Dean is walking and eventually the rain just starts coming down so Dean starts running but all of a sudden thunder starts up and hailstones start coming down so Dean moves quicker. As he is going the hailstones get much much heavier and heavier and eventually it is making Dean wobble while he runs because the hail is hurting him. He eventually comes to a long road that goes down on a hill all the way to his house so he runs down it but is slipping all over and eventually falls down and starts rolling and sliding all the way down the ground. Eventually he hits the ground and lays there on his back. He opens his eyes slightly and the hailstones start to stop a little bit and eventually they stop completly.
Dean looks up at the really dark sky and sees a half outline of something circular with dimmed lights around it moving across the darkened cloudy sky. Dean gets stands up and continues looking at the sky and then makes his way into the house. He enters the sitting room and his dad is there watching television.
His dad says "Woah, what happened to you.
Dean said "You dont wanna know." Dean then says "Where is everyone?"
His dad says "Well your brothers are at soccer practice and your mum has gone shopping, in fact she is back now, come on lets help get it in."
Breaking the writing up into paragraphs makes it so much easier on the eyes.
I see this is your first attempt on this site, under this penname, anyway. I think this piece may be more appropriate for fiction press dot com.
One more thing. These are really good notes. When I write, my notes look just like this! I think if you took a little more time you could flesh this out and it could be a really decent story.