Reviews for Nabiki & Ranma Together 4ever I: Mind over Monster

Reviews For: Nabiki & Ranma Together 4ever I: Mind over Monster - Reviews: Page 1 of 2

BlazeStryker 2007-07-27 ch 5,	abuseHmm, on the childbirth issue: Nabiki: Hmm. Grow a womb? Ranma: For nine months? Nabiki: I could just grow the kid, this is all pretty intuitive. Ranma Don't even joke! Do you realise what the old man would think? Or worse yet, MOM? Nabiki: ... morphs into a twisted-faced greenface in yellow jive garb They call me CUBAN PETE!! Snaps back GAH! Dammit, Ranma, don't drive me insane. I like keeping my gender at least. Ranma: Hey! Some of us aren't that lucky. That said, NICE Bighead you had goin' on there. Nabiki: Oh, hush!
antvasima 2007-07-27 ch 5,	abuseHi Pat. I did have some fun with the Urd and Peorth segments, although I wouldn't exactly call their intervention plausible. It required a crossover for one thing. It simply fit, and provided some personal entertainment. I have tried to portray Nabiki the same way as originally established: With limitless hunger/ambition, but repulsed by the concept of personal accountability or 'pointless'/insufficiently profitable personal exertion. 'Fear the person with an unfettered will, for he/she knows no boundaries, no loyalties, no regrets, no conscience and no compassion' so to speak. She's initially willing to make her hands dirty only, and only if it has the greatest estimated prospects of bringing her maximised returns/profit. She was desperate from the looming infamous Japanese 'glass ceiling', and didn't dare to delegate it, so this did, and Urd also 'pulled a few quantum strings of fate' to select the probability where Nabiki had already selected this path. The action will increase now that the set-up is out of the way, but I still find absurd dialogue more amusing than simple action, and at the end of the day I'm mostly writing for myself. Anything further is a pleasant bonus. I've been tempted to rewrite later on, but have been advised that it's better to focus onwards towards other projects and/or chapters instead. I suppose I gradually work out my kinks from not writing any stories for ten years or so. I've also more or less worked from scratch/the source material, when both I and the audience are extremely used to fanon conventions, so it turned necessary to nail down/work out the foundations for both of us before I could continue. Ranma has always struck me as crude but clever, attempts to sound like a mumbling blithering idiot from the English voice actor notwithstanding. Uninterested in academics yes, but a quick-witted strategist with a sense of fun and compassion. His mind has also just been extensively pushed to its limits, so keeping up any subconscious or conscious facades isn't his main priority here. However, I've still tried to make his sentiments considerably more raw and heartfelt than Nabiki's, as well as keep true to his established perspectives. They're also based on a manga. There usually isn't enough room to show them thinking for long periods. So I try my best to stick to an intellectual level that makes sense from what I've seen, and I'm able to make work. Speaking of which, it will be hard to properly handle Genma and Soun without falling in the simplified convention/anime trap. Heck, in the manga Soun didn't even like Genma at all. How are they supposed to interact? Hmm. In any case, I'm currently half done with another chapter: "Is that an okonomiyaki in your pocket, and will you use it to beat me?" It's sick and outrageous, as always, but that's the type I find amusing. As always, if anyone has some entertaining notions to incorporate into the story, or suggestions about how various cast members should properly interact/react, please send me an e-mail. It would help inspiring me to continue.
pspinler 2007-07-27 ch 5,	abuseA couple of comments, if I may, please. First, good use of Urd and Peorth, and actually a mostly plausible progression of events. I would question only one event in the setup -- Nabiki making a specific trip to China. As you described the character, she seemed to not be ambitious enough to go through with that. There are two suggestions I'd make for improvement. First, please decrease the talking and increase the action. I skipped over large sections of dialog and exposition -- it was just too tedious. Second, Ranma was considerably more verbose, literate, and expressive than seemed in character for him. In short, a pretty interesting premise. Please continue, and if feasible, please consider redoing the earlier work with a bit less exposition. thanks! -- Pat
antvasima 2007-07-27 ch 4,	abuseHiya. Thank you for writing. The Kitsune is the mythical Japanese fire-fox. Basically a trickster shapeshifter, who can create displacement zones wherein they can create complex illusions, as well as mystic fire. Naruto is partially built upon this myth. The amorph and replica weren't intended to refer to Pokemon, just archetypal concepts. Ditto (no pun intended) for empath and mender. Urd basically wen't for the severe overkill (as usual). That said, Nabiki's abilities are all relatively straightforward when directly spelled out. Her body has turned 'fluid' and can morph into various shapes based on inert objects or living beings, but with limitations to their power/reach, and can't replicate non-inate physical abilities, alternately any skills or mental ones whatsovever. She can also create multiple, semi-independent, simulacrums with the same talents, has weak empathic/mood enhancing influence, and repair/heal herself and others. Additionally she has the above-mentioned Kitsune talents. For what it's worth I'm half-finished with a 5'th chapter (formerly 4'th, but I split the last chapter on the middle to separate the themes), which should be much more straightforward and slapstick oriented than the previous ones. Best wishes
Tama Saga 2007-07-26 ch 3,	abuseIt's great to see a story written with thought, but it's too deep for me. Or maybe I don't like the bizarre body modification. What was it, kitsune, shrine maiden... Gaah, no...amorph, replica, empath, mender... Kitsune...? Amorph = Pokemon -> Ditto Replica = Pokemon -> Ditto Empath = ? Mender = ? Why would you pick these? They're pretty complicated concepts...2 or 3 is probably the limit. Anymore and you risk confusing the readers because they lose track of what traits Nabiki possesses. For that matter, why would you use a name like Kitsune instead some defining noun like Trickster or Manipulator. You throw off the rest of the named list by doing that. Third, Amorph and Replica have very laughable connotations. Ugh, can't focus. That's it, I give up. Whether you manage to make the traits important to the plot or not is not something I'm interested in finding out.
antvasima 2007-06-14 ch 2,	abuseThank you very much for the overflowing kind praises Angel. It's very gratifying to hear that anyone appreciated both the story and my efforts to appropriately characterise the various personas. If nothing else other writers could always use them as a free templates if they wish to do something different. Although, given that this is the first independent story I've written since the 6th grade, I'm not remotely pretentious enough to call myself "brilliantly eloquent". I also don't take myself so seriously that I'd use the "intellectual", rather than "striving to get smarter/better" designation, but it's considerate of you to make an attempt to pump me up a little. I didn't have a full grasp on what would happen when I first sat down, but the rather amusing conversations stemming from their base perspectives actually mostly wrote themselves. Although it obviously took several adjustments to get the structure at least moderately 'appropriate'. Unsurprisingly finishing the story vaguely feels like getting stomach-pumped, just to find out that an independent civilisation was living in there all along. It's an odd sensation for someone just introduced to it however. I'm not religious, so I have no attachment to the satan reference, but as for Nabiki having done all the explicit story references and at least twice being portrayed in a demon suit while no other characters have, then yes she has. Don't get me wrong, I really do like the well of inherent potential in the _original_ character, I'm just not a fan of draining this dry, whitewashing her, or making up incredibly far-fetched excuses out of thin air. Regarding the abrupt scene shift, if you refer strictly to this archive, this is a very prominent problem induced by censorship policies, and I'm just playing in their sandbox. I inserted a mediaminer link to the middle segment at the top of the second chapter. If you can come up with and confer any suggestions or even outlines for how to go about improving the flow and coherence of the transition, despite the cut-out 'sex-therapy'/'positive & negative reinforcement brainwashing' middle segment, this would be very gratifying. A way to summarise/confer all the important parts without any graphic references perhaps? The story may even be taken more seriously through this approach, since it's mostly an oddball situations & dialogue piece in the 1st and 2nd parts. As for further stories, I don't really think it's worth the effort at the time. Technically I do have various rather cool ideas/scenes planned out. Including a 'Sin City/Hong Kong action movie'-esque utterly ruthless conflict between Ryu and Taro, with very fitting reasons for their opposition. As well as some rather creative manoeuvring on Nabiki's part to get past the previously alluded to limitations of her condition, but I wouldn't enjoy wasting lots of study-time for slowly trailing along just to get to them. Currently I also think the current story stands better on its own merits. At least you got a small taste in that Ukyo scene. Although if you want to do some spin-offs, just give me a private outline about what you have in mind. I'm afraid that this is my final allowed direct reply, but I'll make my e-mail visible if you or anyone else wishes to contact me, at least for a few weeks, or until yawn-inducing flames convince me otherwise.
The Hellsfire Angel 2007-06-04 ch 3,	abuseI read your story, and I'm glad we've finally got an intellectual in fanfiction nowadays. I liked a lot about your story. I truly enjoyed each chapter and intellectual debate that you had the characters have. I also liked how you had characters original traits guide the story. Most authors, like myself, lose sight of the original characters in the light of their own stories. Thus forcing them to rewrite and/or discard their entire stories. I also agree with your hypothesis of nabiki being associated with/comparable to satan. Ramiko takahashi did draw her as satan many a time in the manga, but many people didn't read it, they watched the anime. Now comes the part I loathe doing to good writers such as yourself, but some people find it quite helpful...I suggest ways to improve your story...however, there's only one thing I could find that wasn't so geniusly eloquent that it drove me mad with delight. That'd be your transitions between chapters. Your transitions aren't so much fade outs/ins but more like abrupt changes that make people think "wait, what the ** just happened?", "What'd I miss between the commercial breaks?", "What happened to the missing segments of my programs?" and equally disturbed and distraught thoughts. My recommendation is for you to work on these transitions and to make them blend more smoothly between chapters. Once again, awesome story. I really enjoyed reading it and hope to read more fantastic works. I've added you to my author alert list, and have thus subscribed to more reviews to write to you.
antvasima 2007-05-23 ch 3,	abuseI've taken care of the problems with links to the adultfanfiction and mediaminer archives. The story should hopefully update during the next few hours. Personally speaking, I find the former has a more well-read layout format, but given the problems to access it, the latter is available as well. Best
Marq Fyori-Josdyas Auricor 2007-05-21 ch 1,	abuseI agree with brandonvi on posting the story on Some of us readers can't even access in the first place (Damn all censors!), let alone register.
brandonvi 2007-05-21 ch 2,	abuseI can only guess that the reason that part 2 is missing is because it has a lemon in it or somthing like that. If it is not just a mistake on your part in posting, I would say put the post up on under the same story name and put part 2 in here but just have a link to the story on mediaminer, or just post it it does not seem like they inforce the things aganst lemons here anymore.
antvasima 2007-05-21 ch 1,	abuseWell, the replies are a lot more polite than I expected, which is appreciated. I only have allowance to write at most 3 replies, but to answer the above: Innortal: The disjointed nature of the dream sequence is intentional as an attempt to emulate the surreal nature of dreams, and occasional mixed-up cause an effect. The main problem stems from this archive's tendency to disregard the column format, which made it harder to keep the segments apart. Suggestions for commands/procedures to solve it are greatly appreciated, and it will be corrected accordingly. Herb was stated as a woman in the cut-off middle segment, but I've modified the first part to clarify. This is also the reason for the 'sudden' bedroom scene. Nysk: Thank you. It's intended as long-winded, with oddball, but somehow amusing dialogue and scenery. Upgrade: Thanks again. The middle chapter can be found at the adultfanfiction archive. Lerris: Well, it's obviously an acquired taste, and not for everyone. The forced intervention is intentional, as I can't envision any way the manga Nabiki could ever hook up with Ranma, (Whom she has repeated shown utter derision towards, while he's explicitly stated that he finds her utterly chilling) in any other fashion, and an experiment about how the utterly mismatched couple would interact if a strong attraction was forced upon them. Genhoss: As above, it's not for everyone. Personally I find slow, 'talking heads' stories to be more engaging than non-stop action fics, but that's me. Ryoga is up to personal interpretation, as he's repeatedly saved Ranma's life. With the exception of the 'Bakusai Tenketsu', and 'Fishing Rod of Love' arcs, he's always been content to use Ranma as a gauge and competitive sparring partner for personal growth, alternately simply beating him up. He's won plenty of smaller fights, but never taken the opportunity to kill his rival when given the chance. Their interaction also turns far friendlier and more relaxed with time.
Innortal 2007-05-21 ch 3,	abuseOriginal idea, I'll give you that. The initial dream threw me off, I couldn't tell what was happening, and when one scene began or ended. That also went for the bath scene. We went from the bath to a pink bedroom, and little explanation for it. The same can be said for Herb, you never stated that it was Herb's female form. You may want to play out the angle more before they made their pact. This Nabiki could have been drawn out more, given more scenes of her changing demeanor.
Nysk 2007-05-20 ch 3,	abuseWhile a little long winded to me at times.. I found this story to be very enjoyable and I am glad you wrote it.
Upgrade 2007-05-20 ch 2,	abuseOkay, I absolutely love this story. You gave a very good reason for Nabiki to change. And you had her properly heartless to begin with. But she's still trying to remain herself. I have to ask, is there a part II somewhere? The chapters go "1. Part I", then "2. Part I", and "3. Author Notes". And there's such a jump between them that I can't tell if the Part I is a typo or if part II just isn't here.
Lerris 2007-05-19 ch 1,	abuseWhat a strange fic. Unfortunately I don't see anything here compelling. Characterizing Nabiki as evil is not a completely unreasonable interpretation, but then having any interest in a forced matchup where Nabiki is "adjusted" to make it work just doesn't interest me...

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